Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

Mass Panic Erupts as Heaven Accidentally Sends Out Rapture Alert

From The Babylon Bee.

WORLD—Mass panic broke out Saturday morning as a Rapture alert was sent out to cell phone networks all across the world, indicating that Jesus’s return was imminent and that any unsaved persons should “get right with God” immediately.

 

The alert was reportedly sent out my mistake by angelic emergency alert personnel, who quickly issued a retraction as soon as the error was discovered. Panicked citizens frantically took shelter in storm drains culverts, sewer manholes, and Baptist churches in the harrowing 38 minutes before the correction was sent out, according to sources from around the world.

“An angel newly assigned to our Rapture alert department simply pushed the wrong button during a routine test,” a solemn Michael the Archangel said in a press conference. “He was supposed to select ‘Test rapture alert’ from a drop-down menu on a computer program, but clicked on ‘Rapture alert’ instead.”

“We apologize for any anguish this may have caused,” he added.

Christians from around the world called and texted their loved ones goodbye after the first, fake alert was sent out, while thousands of excited dispensationalists posted messages online saying things like “So long, suckers!” and “Enjoy the next seven years of tribulation, heathens!”

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Mayor Declares Chicago Crime-Free Zone, Criminals Disperse

From The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—Immediately upon Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s recent declaration of the entire city of Chicago as an official “crime-free zone,” every criminal in the city suddenly and miraculously left the urban area, according to a statement released by the city council.

“We declare every part of the city of Chicago a crime-free zone,” Emanuel announced in a Thursday appearance on CBS This Morning. “It is now physically impossible for any crime to be committed in our great city, because we declared it a zone of peace and harmony and criminals have no choice but to abide by our new rule.”

Emanuel claimed he didn’t want to resort to such extreme legislative measures, but as the crime situation in Chicago didn’t seem to be getting any better, his hand was forced.

“I finally decided to use the strongest weapon at our disposal: declaring things illegal,” he said.

Stunned onlookers claim the second the legislation banning any criminals from the city was signed into law, dangerous gangsters, conniving drug dealers, and thieving hooligans fled the city on foot, as though compelled by some kind of strange, alien force.

“Witness the awesome power of declaring things to be banned and watching them instantly disappear into nothingness!” Emanuel said.

At publishing time, Governor Jerry Brown had taken a page from Emanuel’s book, declaring Hollywood a “perversion-free” zone and immediately ending all ongoing sex scandals in the city.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

In Historic Compromise, Border Wall To Be Built Around Hollywood

Man Bravely Abandons Unpopular Christian Belief to Affirm Extremely Popular Cultural Belief

Biblical Age of Accountability Raised to 30 for Millennials

Nation’s Progressives Suddenly in Favor of Electing TV Personalities as President

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Nation’s Progressives Suddenly in Favor of Electing TV Personalities as President

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Moments after Oprah Winfrey gave a rousing speech at the Golden Globe Awards Sunday night in what some claimed to be the soft launch of her 2020 presidential bid, the nation’s progressives declared they were now in favor of TV personalities running for president. 
Millions of Democrats who denounced Donald Trump for his lack of experience throughout the 2016 race announced they had changed their minds overnight and are now fully supportive of a television star running the country.

“Even though I claimed Trump was ‘an unqualified television celebrity’ all through 2016 and that we needed a real leader with real experience in the White House, I have now changed positions. We need Oprah in 2020!” one woman in California told reporters. “I’m with her!”

At publishing time, millions of Democrats had also reversed positions on ridiculously wealthy celebrities running for the presidency upon discovering Oprah Winfrey is worth over $3 billion.

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This, of course, does NOT apply to OUR comment section! LOL

Before the internet toon

From the Babylon Bee (Christian satire):

U.S.—Doctors speaking on behalf of the nation’s medical community Wednesday recommended that Americans not stare directly into the black, empty void encompassing the nation’s comment sections.

While doctors have long known of the harmful effects of dwelling upon the vast wastelands comprising comment sections on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and websites at large, the symptoms have become far more pronounced in recent years, according to medical professionals.

“We’ve found that severe psychological side effects may accompany thinking too long and hard about any comments you encounter while you’re on the internet,” Dr. Sherman Danforth, a leading psychology expert told reporters. “If you must browse a comment section for any reason, we recommend a brief, cautious glance to get a sense of it, but turn away quickly, lest you do irreparable damage to your psyche.

Doctors also confirmed staring too long into the void of comment sections can have the undesirable side effect of having the void stare back into you.

“Each day, thousands of people stare too long into the black hole of vitriol present in online comment sections, correlating things which were not meant to be correlated in the human mind, and end up babbling incoherently about ‘the eyes in the darkness,’ ‘the black pit,’ and ‘the nameless one,’” Danforth added.

“Don’t let it happen to you.”

Source:

http://babylonbee.com/news/medical-experts-now-recommend-not-staring-directly-comment-sections/

 

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Breaking: Nation Furious over Giving Government Less of Their Money

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation was in an absolute uproar as the GOP tax bill passed Congress Wednesday and made its way to President Trump’s desk, with millions of irate citizens expressing their total fury over the fact that the federal government will now be taking less of their money week in and week out.

 

Hordes of protesters gathered in the nation’s capital to decry the decrease of government taxation of their incomes, sources confirmed.

“America is dead,” one weeping woman said as she found out she would be giving the government $2,000 less under the new tax plan. “If ever there were a time for Americans to rise up and revolt against government oppression, this is it.”

“George Washington died for our right to give large portions of our paychecks to the federal government, and today Republicans are dancing on his grave,” she added before screaming wildly at the sky in hysterics.

At publishing time, relieved citizens discovered that the new tax rates are merely minimums, and they are free to pay as high a rate as they wish.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

Worship Leader Who Reads Music Arrested on Suspicion of Witchcraft

Local Father Looking Forward to Spending Entire Christmas Holiday Assembling Family’s Gifts

Local Snowflake Resents Being Compared to Fragile College Students

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‘Internet Service Providers Should Not Be Able to Decide What People Can See Online,’ Says Man Who Decides What People Can See Online

From The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Tech titan Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, came out strongly against the repeal of net neutrality Friday, calling the rollback of the Obama-era regulation an “injustice.”

“Internet Service Providers should not be able to decide what people can see online,” the man who decides what two billion people can see online every day said in a Facebook video that was placed in front of the precise amount of people he wished. “It’s a violation of a free and open internet.”

“Furthermore, ISPs should not be able to charge more for certain content,” Zuckerberg intoned, though part of his $523 billion company’s revenue comes from throttling the reach of publishers’ content unless the publisher pays Facebook to show their content to people who signed up to see it anyway.

The boss of the largest social network in the world, which is widely known to smother or close down conservative pages for violating what it calls its community guidelines, stressed that the fight for net neutrality is not over. “We’re ready to work with members of Congress and others to help make the internet free and open for everyone.”

“All content should be treated equally,” he added, the slightest hint of a grin curling up the side of his mouth as the video ended.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Jesus Criticized for Culturally Appropriating Human Nature

GOP Announces Sweeping New Plan to Lose All Senate Seats by 2022

Amy Grant Releases 200th Christmas Album

Half of Congregation Dies of Starvation As Sermon Goes 15 Minutes Over Time

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Sexual Revolution Working Out Great, Reports Nation Full of Perverts

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The aftermath of the sexual revolution is working out just splendidly, reported a nation filled with perverts, pedophiles, and sexual predators Friday afternoon.

The country currently reaping the consequences of decades of declining sexual morals reported it would do it all over again in a heartbeat, further stating that it was “really proud” of the progress it had made over the past fifty years. When asked about the numerous scandals, controversies, and painful repercussions of the sexual revolution coming to light in recent months, nearly every person in the nation confirmed it was “feeling great” about the sexual revolution and its insidious consequences.

“This is fine—totally fine,” one political commentator on NBC filling in for Matt Lauer said. “I think the sexual revolution is working out just great, and I’m proud to live in the US where we’re uninhibited by outdated ideas about human relationships, like monogamy and faithfulness.”

According to the country with dozens of famous celebrities, television pundits, and politicians currently embroiled in sexual scandals, the sexual revolution was a necessary period that allowed the nation to throw off the outdated, restricted shackles of religion and biblical morality.

“I really pity all those backward parts of the world that haven’t had the privilege of experiencing their own sexual revolution,” one politician said as he checked Twitter to see if his own personal indiscretions had been revealed yet. “One day, they’ll be enlightened too.”

Related:

Entirety of Congress to Preemptively Resign over Sexual Improprieties

Unrelated:

Church Solves Tardiness Problem by Volunteering All Latecomers to Children’s Ministry

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‘Our Love Life Is None of Your Business,’ Says Couple Forcing Business Owner to Approve Their Love Life

From The Babylon Bee.

LAKEWOOD, CO—According to reports, a same-sex Lakewood couple informed a local business owner their private love life is none of his business, while insisting that he and his company approve and fully accept their love life, sources confirmed Wednesday.

 

The couple, whose relationship may violate the privately held religious beliefs of some Americans, including the business owner, told him to “get out of our bedroom” while they demanded he use his business to openly affirm and celebrate their lifestyle choices.

“How dare he force his extremist views on us?” the couple reportedly asked, while threatening to bring legal action and destroy his livelihood if he would not defy his widely-held religious beliefs in order to provide a service that they could easily receive at dozens of other local, willing companies.

“We have rights. No one can tell us how to live our lives!” the couple told sources, as they used the justice system to force the business owner to violate his own convictions and coerce him to applaud their personal decisions.

“After all, this is America!” they added.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

Nation Fondly Remembers Time Just Two Years Ago When Everyone Said Gay Marriage Wouldn’t Affect Christians

The Babylon Bee’s Top Ten Books of 2017

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