Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

Facebook Will Now Automatically Drone Strike People Who Post Fake News

From The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Fake news has finally met its match in Mark Zuckerberg. The Facebook CEO announced Monday that his wildly successful social network will now “promptly and automatically” fly an MQ-1 Predator drone to the location of anyone who posts or shares an article that has been deemed “fake news,” and will obliterate the person with a Hellfire missile.

 

But that’s not all: the internet titan also revealed that the drone strikes can be unleashed by Facebook users upon anyone they disagree with.

That’s right. Just flag an item as “offensive” or “I don’t want to see this,” and Zuckerberg will honor his promise to blow your ideological enemy sky-high with a totally devastating and pinpoint accurate air-to-ground missile.

But don’t worry, brave social justice warriors: this feature is only enabled for those Facebook has identified as progressives, so you’ll be able to rid the world of your political foes while you’re safe in your own little Portland bungalow. You can now truly make the world a better place through your online battles!

Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, it looks like it’s R.I.P. fake news!

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New Google Technology Autocorrects Users’ Thoughts

From The Babylon Bee.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—At a special press conference held at the technology giant’s sprawling campus Tuesday, Google engineers revealed exciting new technology that autocorrects any errant thoughts its users are having, replacing them with positions approved by the company.

Utilizing advanced retinal scan and proprietary telepathic scanning technology, the new automatic thought correction algorithm is now live for users of Google’s search engine, Android operating system, Chrome OS, and the hundreds of other apps and services the company provides.

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“Let’s say you start thinking there may be some kind of inherent biological difference between men and women,” Google employee Ryan Vo said in a live demo of the new tech. “Immediately, the thought suggestion program in any nearby Google device, app, or service will scrub the idea of inherent gender differences and replace them with the sure knowledge that there are at least three hundred different genders in existence, and always has been.”

“Google will begin rebuilding your mind, piece by piece,” he added to the cheers and applause of the tech bloggers and industry professionals gathered.

According to the spokesperson, Google is also utilizing crack teams of ex-military personnel to round up anyone who resists the new technology, taking them to a new portion of Google’s campus known as the “Department of Love” for questioning, reconditioning, and re-introduction into civilized society.

At publishing time, a jealous Mark Zuckerberg had put his best programmers on the job of attempting to reverse-engineer Google’s new thought correction algorithm for use on his own social network, sources confirmed.

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God Apologizes for Gendered Language in Bible

From The Babylon Bee.

HEAVEN—Remorseful for using terms that fly in the face of contemporary progressive sensibilities, God Almighty issued an apology Tuesday for the gendered language found throughout His Word, the Holy Bible.

“The fact that gendered language has been non-offensive for millennia is no excuse, since through my omniscience I knew that by the time the 21st Century rolled around it would no longer be considered acceptable,” the statement, miraculously delivered through a heavenly messenger, read in part.

“Please accept my deepest and most sincere apologies for using such offensive terminology when describing humankind and myself throughout the pages of Scripture, and feel free to edit the eternal Word of God so that it aligns more closely with your current, advanced understanding of the nature of things,” he continued, adding that it was never His intention to advance the agenda of the patriarchy.

“My choices were unfortunate and regrettable, and I have no intention of trying to mansplain them away. I will do better.”

Bible publishers worldwide reportedly began work Tuesday on new translations of the Holy Scriptures, removing any pronouns or phrases which specify a gender either directly or by implication.

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CNN Report: Millions of American Voters May Have Colluded to Elect Trump

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new, exclusive CNN investigative report revealed Thursday that millions of American voters may have potentially colluded with the Trump campaign to elect Donald Trump as President of the United States.

While Russia has been accused of interfering in the election, the breaking report indicates that the collusion may have extended to a significant portion of the U.S. population—“as many as 60 million citizens, and possibly even more.”

“The conspiracy goes much deeper than anyone expected,” Jake Tapper said on his news segment The Politics Lead. “We’re talking tens of millions of people involved in this secret plot to make sure Hillary didn’t make it into the White House and to prop up Donald Trump as the winner.”

The CNN report does not accuse anyone of hacking or rigging the vote, but rather suggests that those colluding with the real estate mogul in the far-reaching scheme may have simply walked into voting booths and cast their vote for Donald Trump, giving him the electoral college victory.

“It’s far more sinister than we thought,” a visibly disturbed Tapper said.

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Woman Seeking Prenatal Care at Planned Parenthood Given Directions to Real Health Clinic

From The Babylon Bee.

COLUMBUS, OH—Several minutes after entering a Planned Parenthood clinic in order to seek prenatal care for herself and her unborn child, local pregnant woman Kyleigh Smith was sent away with directions to an actual health clinic, reports confirmed Wednesday.

The scene reportedly turned into one of confusion and bewilderment, as Planned Parenthood personnel hadn’t been trained on what to do when a woman wanted to leave the clinic with her baby healthier than before she entered.

“Sorry, you want what? Healthcare?” a confused receptionist asked. “Hey Bob, what do we do with the ones that don’t want to kill—uh, I mean terminate the, uh, pregnancy?” she then yelled back at one of the clinic’s abortion doctors.

“Huh? Why?” the doctor reportedly called back as he was prepping for his next procedure. “Maybe she wants a condom or something? Or offer her a Tic-Tac. [Expletive], I don’t know.”

After phoning several other Planned Parenthood clinics in the region to find out what they would do in an unusual situation like this one, clinic staffers printed out a set of directions to a real health clinic that would actually try to help her and her baby, and sent Smith on her way.

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More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Dave Ramsey Puts Federal Government on Strict Envelope Budget Plan

ISIS Lays Down Arms after Katy Perry’s Impassioned Plea to ‘Like, Just Coexist’

Mark Zuckerberg Finishes Another Long Day of Deciding What People Should Believe

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Miraculous: Clump of Cells Transforms into Fully Formed Baby upon Womb Exit

From The Babylon Bee.

AKRON, OH—According to witnesses of the miraculous event, an amorphous clump of cells was instantaneously transformed into a beautiful, fully formed human baby the moment it was delivered at Grace Hospital Wednesday afternoon.

“Our little bundle of joy is so precious,” mother Hannah Bramer told reporters as she held her baby boy for the first time. “It’s hard to believe little Ashton was an unrecognizable blob of tissue just a few minutes ago.”

“I have no idea how this happened, but I am so happy,” she added.

Doctors who witnessed the occurrence claim it was nothing short of a medical miracle.

“The baby you see was indeed just a part of that woman’s body, moments ago,” the doctor who delivered the child said. “He is now clearly a separate, unique human being—just like that. We’re all fascinated, honestly. It’s astounding. We have no explanation.”

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Nine Things You Should Know About the Transgender Bathroom Debate

From The Babylon Bee.

Everybody’s talking about it. Here’s what you need to know.

1.) President Trump on Wednesday rescinded an Obama administration order to all public schools which stated that, in order to comply with federal law, all school policies must be based on “gender identity” and not biological sex.

2.) The overturned Obama order directed schools to thoroughly prove students’ gender identity before allowing them access to the opposite sex’s bathrooms and locker rooms by just asking them if that’s how they really feel.

3.) The overturned Obama order also confirmed that no high school boy would ever pretend to identify as a female in order to be able to shower with naked girls.

4.) The overturned Obama order also mandated large litter boxes be available for students identifying as otherkin.

5.) The overturned Obama order also declared that any father who would be upset about his daughter being forced to share a bathroom and locker room with a biological male is a terrible, disgusting, pig-faced equivalent of a KKK member circa 1960.

6.) By rescinding the order, President Trump has delivered a significant setback for humanity, sending us back to the Dark Ages of pre-May 2016.

7.) In his statement rescinding the order, President Trump specifically encouraged discriminating against, bullying, and harassing all members of the transgender community, as vigorously and often as possible.

8.) Trump titled his statement I Obviously Hate People With Gender Dysphoria Because I Am Asking Everyone To Use The Restroom Of Their Biological Sex Like Everyone Has Done Since The Beginning Of Time.

9.) Critics of Trump’s move cite a desire to protect transgender students from feeling uncomfortable because they have to share facilities with members of what they perceive as the opposite sex, while also having an easy way to identify intolerant bigots (non-transgender students who feel uncomfortable sharing facilities with members of the opposite sex).

More stories of questionable veracity from the Babylon Bee:

Local Believer Shows No Evidence Of Salvation Before Morning Coffee

Church Introduces New Maximum Security Nursery

New Registry Allows Engaged Same-Sex Couples to Choose Which Christian Florist to Put Out of Business

 

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Please Do Not Attempt to Literally Give Control of Your Vehicle’s Steering Wheel to Jesus

From The Babylon Bee.

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Good day, citizens. Due to an increase in automobile accidents caused by drivers removing their hands from their vehicle’s steering wheel and saying, “Jesus, take the wheel,” we at the United States Department Of Transportation felt the need to issue this clarifying statement.

Please do not attempt to literally give control of your vehicle’s steering wheel to Jesus. Only a human person with a valid driver’s license who is sitting in the driver’s seat of a vehicle should be operating said vehicle.

“Jesus, take the wheel” is a figure of speech. It is not something meant to be acted out. It is a figurative saying indicating that you intend to give control of your life—not your motor vehicle—over to God.

If you say “Jesus, take the wheel” and then let go of your steering wheel, there is a good chance that you will be involved in an accident resulting in serious injury or death.

Please keep both hands on the wheel at all times while operating any motor vehicle. Thank you.

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