Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

Babylon Bee Does Portland PD

babylon bee

PORTLAND, OR—In a press release earlier this week, Portland police chief Danielle Outlaw (her actual name), appearing somber and exhausted, said she just wishes there were some kind of group with the firepower and authority to fight back against Antifa.

In a candid moment, Outlaw (seriously, her actual name) said there was just nothing the police could do, as they’d need to have some kind of organized, armed force specifically created to protect and serve the people.

“Like, what if we took money from everyone to fund a force that could then defend them in a time of need?” she pondered aloud. “They could have patrol cars, firearms, and attack dogs. Maybe even some tanks. That would be so frickin’ rad. They could have a badge to show their authority. Then, when a rogue group like Antifa shows up to take over our city every weekend, they could be repelled using force if necessary.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but a girl can dream, right?” she added wistfully.

Sadly, there is no such force in Portland, so citizens have been forced to turn to an even crazier idea: taking responsibility for their own safety and well-being, and maybe even buying a gun to protect themselves.

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Funny Stuff

Woke Polar Bear Apologizes for Being White

From The Babylon Bee.

SAN DIEGO, CA—A polar bear at the San Diego Zoo has apologized to black bears, brown bears, and all other mammals of color for his “problematic whiteness.”

The bear “got woke” after a leftist protesting the zoo for keeping animals in captivity bravely leaped into the bear’s exhibit. After eating the protester, the polar bear picked up the book on critical race theory the woman had in her pocket and devoured it, first figuratively, then literally.

“Wow,” he said. “I never realized how problematic my existence was before. I really need to think about this.”

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Funny Stuff

Hillary Proposes Reparations to Anyone Who Ever Lost a Presidential Election to Trump

From The Babylon Bee.

SWEETWATER, TN—As the Democratic Party ramps up their efforts to take back the White House, leftwing politicians have begun pushing new, progressive initiatives, mostly involving promises of reparations to various minorities. 

Democrats are proposing reparations for African-Americans, gay couples, and African-American gay couples, leaving some party leaders desperate to entice even more minority voters with monetary vote incentives. Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is charting new territory by proposing reparations for a people group that she says has been neglected for far too long.

During a scheduled stop on her speaking tour in the town of Sweetwater, TN, Clinton spoke to a crowd of dozens about the need for reparations to anyone who ever lost a presidential election to Donald Trump. 

Continue reading

Comments Off on Hillary Proposes Reparations to Anyone Who Ever Lost a Presidential Election to Trump

Filed under Funny Stuff

Mother Seeks Emergency Surgery to Remove VBS Songs Lodged in Her Brain

From The Babylon Bee.

ST ALBANS, WV—Local mom Stephanie Orchard was a happy mother of three.

That is, until she took her kids to Riverside Lutheran Church’s vacation Bible school this year.

Now, she has nearly a dozen incredibly catchy, extremely repetitive VBS songs permanently lodged in her brain. Medical experts believe the songs became stuck as her kids sang the songs over and over and she was forced to listen to the CD the church handed out. Finally, she attended the VBS’s exciting finale performance, where all the songs were sung by the kids along with the hand motions, and she was “a goner” after that.

Continue reading

4 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

NBA to Assign ‘Adversity Score’ to Pudgy White Guys Who Want to Play Professional Basketball

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The NBA announced Friday that for the upcoming basketball season, the league will be assigning an “adversity score” to overweight white dudes to help more of them get signed with professional basketball teams.

The score will take into account many environmental and biological factors, like the fact that they’re white guys who can’t jump and get winded while walking up a small flight of stairs. It will also take into account the fact that they don’t know anything about the fundamentals of the game and tend to shout things like “I’m open! Hey, I’m open!” even when they’re clearly not open. Finally, white dudes who scarf down whole bags of Cheetos daily, drink a six-pack of beer every night, and haven’t exercised in years will receive a “considerable boost” from the new weighted point system.

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

Caravan of Unborn Babies Heads Toward Alabama to Apply for Asylum

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—According to sources all across the country, a caravan of unborn babies has formed to head toward Alabama in an attempt to avoid the rest of the country’s barbaric abortion laws.

The unborn humans, mostly residing in the wombs of pro-choice mothers, learned of the new law as their moms watched CNN and listened to NPR. Each of them would then sneak out of their mom’s womb in the middle of the night, slip into a state-of-the-art artificial womb they ordered on Amazon, steal their mother’s car, and make a break for the Alabama border.

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Funny Stuff

Report: All Six Men Attracted to Feminists Deeply Affected by Sex Strike

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—According to a new report performed by the American Public Health Association, all six men who are sexually attracted to feminists are already suffering deeply from the ongoing sex strike for abortion rights.

The six men in the nation who identify as feminist-attracted include Greg, Sebastien, Shiloh, Ansel, Jade, and Ashley. All of them are from Oregon.

Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

Biden Vows to Return Nation to Era When Press Didn’t Bother Reporting on President’s Scandals

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaking on The View, presidential candidate Joe Biden promised to bring the nation back to an era when the media pretended the president didn’t have any scandals.

Biden pointed out that nowadays there’s a new presidential scandal every day on the news, some real, some invented.

“Back when I was in office, we had plenty of scandals, but it was much nicer, because the media just didn’t report on them,” he said. “It was a lot more pleasant to watch the news. The press just told you everything was fine in the White House.”

Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

Missed It by That Much: Hillary Clinton Almost Wins ‘Wheel of Fortune’ but Then Shouts ‘Easter Worshiper’ Instead of ‘Christian’

From The Babylon Bee.

Some people think Hillary Clinton is robotic and hard to sympathize with, but even our hearts went out to her on this one.

On a special politicians’ episode of Wheel of Fortune, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton nearly took home the grand prize. She was on the last puzzle of the regular rounds of the game, which read, CHRISTI_N. The audience began to cheer as it appeared Clinton had finally won something.

But, as is usual for Clinton, she snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, and shouted “Easter worshiper!” instead of the obvious answer, which was “Christian.”

Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

Ocasio-Cortez Appears on ‘The Price Is Right,’ Guesses Everything Is Free

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was pumped to attend a taping of The Price Is Right in Hollywood this week. The special guest introduced herself as a U.S. representative and rising star of the Democratic Party. Things got interesting when the game began and every time it was her turn to estimate the price of an item her answer was “free.” 

Items included a set of Italian leather handbags, an all expenses paid trip to the Bahamas, and a brand new 2019 BMW 330i, at all of which Ocasio-Cortez shouted, “FREE!”

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff