Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

Bigoted Progressive Christian Refuses to Call God by His Preferred Pronouns

From The Babylon Bee.

PORTLAND, OR—Local bigot Jordyn Michaels reported Wednesday she is still refusing to call God His preferred gender pronouns, insisting on referring to Him as “God the Mother,” “She,” and “Her,” sources confirmed.

 

Despite being called out for hate speech by her fellow progressives, Michaels continues to refuse to utilize the pronouns God used for Himself in the Bible.

“I know our great Mother God never refers to Herself as a woman in the Scriptures, but I’m gonna go ahead and do it anyway,” the backward, prejudiced woman said on a Patheos blog entry entitled “Discovering Sacred Serenity In Mother God.”

“I refuse to bow to male normative traditions imposed on me. My own feelings dictate reality, and right now they’re dictating that God can be communicated with as a female if I really want Her to be.”

At publishing time, the hopelessly bigoted woman had confirmed she would continue upholding oppressive gender norms by referring to God with female pronouns that were created by a patriarchal gender construct.

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Another Actress Accuses Kirk Cameron of Treating Her with Respect

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—An unnamed actress has come forward and accused outspoken Christian actor Kirk Cameron of treating her with respect and dignity—the seventh one in recent weeks—reports confirmed Monday.

As a seemingly endless wave of sexual misconduct and abuse allegations continue to rock Tinseltown, the actress reported numerous instances when Cameron, who is vocal about his Christian faith, showed her the utmost respect, never once approaching anything even resembling an explicit or implied request for sexual favors in exchange for career advancement.

“I never felt threatened, and I always felt safe and respected around him,” the actress told reporters. “Something about it felt really strange.”

“It was a bit odd, but I quickly got used to it,” she added.

At publishing time, additional actresses had come forward to identify Cameron, along with several openly Christian filmmakers, as men who treated them like fellow humans with inherent value, and not as sexual objects to be exploited. Multiple witnesses confirmed the allegations.

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True Snark from the Babylon Bee

2017_11 07 Babylon Bee

ATLANTA, GA—According to sources close to local 32-year-old John Rettner, the man recently stated that “praying doesn’t help anything,” while his own idea of helping is just trolling under activist hashtags on Facebook and Twitter.

After every national tragedy and disaster, the man can be seen making fun of those offering “thoughts and prayers” while the only thing he himself has ever contributed to help those in need is his Facebook posts, sources confirmed.

“All your guys’ thoughts and prayers don’t do anything,” he wrote in a lengthy rant online. “Unlike you religious plebs, I’m committed to help out my fellow man by calling people names on social media.”

The man’s generous aid package for those hurt in recent tragedies has included “savage” memes mocking those who offer to pray for the victims, brutal comebacks on religious family members’ posts, and utilizing popular hashtags to self-righteously promote his positions on social issues.

“We can’t just sit around offering thoughts and prayers. We have to take action by attacking people online,” he said later.

http://babylonbee.com/news/praying-doesnt-help-anything-says-man-whose-idea-helping-trolling-internet/

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Babylon Bee Speaks Out on Pro-Life Hypocrisy

ABORTION Killing Puppies

Hypocrisy is everywhere.

Take, for example, those who oppose the wholesale killing of puppies. The anti-puppy-killing crowd is loud and obnoxious, self-righteously declaring themselves to be “pro-life.”

Yet their love for the puppies only goes so far.

See, they want to defend puppies from being killed when they’re very young, but do you see them offering to adopt every dog on the entire planet?

I didn’t think so. These pro-puppy activists are only in support of dogs when people are killing them, but once they grow up, they’re all on their own. What are we supposed to do with all these dogs if not heinously kill them? I don’t see you pro-puppy people offering to take on more than one or two of them!

I’ll state it very clearly: you are not allowed to call yourself “pro-puppy” unless you agree to adopt every dog on the planet.

It’s just that simple.

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Facebook Updates Privacy Policy to Simply Read ‘LOL’

From The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has once again updated its privacy policy for its users, replacing the long and complex text spelling out all the ways the company can use your personal data with the term “LOL,” the tech behemoth confirmed Monday.

“We wanted to be more forthright with our users,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “We could give you this boring tome of legalese, or we could simply put it in terms everyone can understand. The popular internet abbreviation for ‘laughing out loud’ is an accurate, concise summary of how we feel about your private data.”

“It’s short, sweet, and to the point,” he added.

Users joining the site for the first time are asked to read the three-letter privacy policy in its entirety before clicking “accept” to acknowledge that the social networking company just laughs its collective keister off at the notion of any Facebook user having any kind of privacy whatsoever.

In a bid for transparency, the social network further updated its policy page on shutting down pages and profiles Facebook officials deem offensive or intolerant to simply display a picture of Big Brother from George Orwell’s dystopian novel 1984, sources confirmed at publishing time.

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Morally Bankrupt Entertainment Industry Totally Baffled as to How Culture Became Morally Bankrupt

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In the wake of the recent Harvey Weinstein scandal sending shockwaves through Hollywood, the nation’s elite members of the entertainment industry have expressed their puzzlement at the fact that the country has fallen so far in morality and ethics, when the very same people have created and promoted entertainment that celebrates moral bankruptcy, sources confirmed.

 

Directors, actors, writers, and producers who have profited off disgusting, repulsive works that would have been unthinkable just a decade ago all voiced their shock at the fact that Weinstein’s behavior could go unchecked for so long, in addition to expressing incredulity at the nation’s indifference to President Trump’s total lack of moral character. Particularly outspoken on the nation’s morality was Steve Pink, director of Hot Tub Time Machine 2, who blasted the country for its lack of ethics, respect, and dignity.

“How did it get like this? How could we possibly have elected a reality TV star as our president?” one prominent director of reality TV shows said in an interview Friday evening. “I just don’t understand how reality TV’s empty values could possibly have infiltrated our society.”

Earlier this week, popular rapper Eminem even blasted President Trump for his disgusting ethics and repulsive lack of morals, the explicit hip-hop artist stating later that he has no idea why the nation’s sense of morality is so far askew. “Where do they get these violent tendencies?” he asked later. “It’s like they’re just coming up out of thin air.”

At publishing time, a wildly popular star of violent movies that glorify war, murder, and the U.S. industrial-complex expressed his total bafflement that the nation seems to have gotten increasingly violent both domestically and abroad.

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Governor Jerry Brown to Open Internment Camps for Californians Who Use Wrong Pronoun

From The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Jerry Brown signed an executive order Tuesday re-opening the internment camps utilized to illegally detain Japanese citizens during World War II in order to forcibly imprison anyone who misgenders another individual by using the wrong pronoun for him, her, or them.

 

The camps will be open for offenders by January 2018.

“Use the darn pronouns or shut up,” Brown said in a press conference. “Tolerance is so important to us in this great state that we can no longer tolerate those who disagree.”

“Every American has the right to free speech, so long as it agrees with the spirit of the age,” he added.

The governor has also reportedly okayed the expenditure of up to $7.5 billion on a state-of-the-art alarm system that will allow citizens to press a button on a nearby kiosk or using their smartphone, summoning a team of state “thought police” to carry the offending pronoun user away, “no questions asked.”

The measure will be funded by a 3,000% increase on the state’s modest gasoline taxes, sources confirmed.

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Late Night Hosts So Disgusted by Harvey Weinstein Scandal They Refuse to Even Mention His Name

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Since the shocking revelation last week of Hollywood boss Harvey Weinstein’s decades-long reign of habitual sexual harassment and assault on coworkers and associates, during which he allegedly paid off at least eight women to keep quiet about the abuse, a source close to the nation’s most popular late night hosts revealed that they are all so disgusted by Weinstein’s harmful and deviant actions that they refuse to even mention his name.

“Even though they lampooned people like Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly after similar allegations, what Weinstein has done is so grotesque and at odds with their values that they won’t so much as utter his name on their shows,” the source with direct access to Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Myers, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, and James Corden said, adding that it is “utterly detestable” to them that one of the most powerful men in Hollywood used his immense wealth and influence to shame and silence his victims for three decades.

“Some of them tried to practice pieces on this scandal in their show rehearsals, and it was just too much for them. They ended up either too physically ill to continue, or in a puddle of tears out of grief for the many victims of this monster,” he also revealed.

The anonymous source also added that Weinstein’s vocal support of myriad liberal causes, his unabashed support of feminism, and his participation in activities such as women’s marches, only made the scandal that much more horrendous—until it was more than the popular TV personalities could bear.

“They’re just hoping their silence shames him,” he added.

More from The Babylon Bee:

Police Keep Antifa Away from Columbus Statues by Taping Job Applications Onto Them

‘2 + 2 = 4,’ Insists Closed-Minded Bigot

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