Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

Media Astonished to Learn Christian School Teaches Christian Beliefs

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—News media outlets around the country were reportedly astonished to discover a Christian school at which second lady Karen Pence is teaching holds their students and staff to Christian beliefs.

Expert journalists went to great lengths to uncover this story, unveiling the shocking revelation that a Christian woman teaches at a Christian school that affirms Christian doctrine on human sexuality that has been unchanged for 2,000 years.

“It is the current year, and Christian schools still have the nerve to teach Christian things,” said a CNN commentator. “I will now glare at the camera in silence for the remainder of the program so you know just how upset I am by this.” He only lasted 3 minutes, however, before going on a tirade about something Trump said on Twitter.

“We don’t hate Christians,” said a writer for one left-leaning blog. “We just hate Christians who believe Christian things.”

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Funny Stuff

Ocasio-Cortez Accuses Math of Sexism

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Several aides sat Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez down Monday to show to her how her radical, socialist tax plans simply don’t add up, explaining how she needs to make radical changes if she’s going to make any headway implementing her policies. 

In response to the cold, hard numbers that shredded her economic plans, Ocasio-Cortez pointed out that she was being unfairly targeted by objective facts because she’s a woman and a minority.

“When my economic plans are revealed to be hopelessly flawed, it becomes obvious that numbers have a deep-seated, institutional bias against me because I’m a woman,” she said. “Would the numbers call this stuff out if I were a man? No, of course they wouldn’t. Mathematical facts are simply not comfortable with a powerful, strong woman like me.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Funny Stuff

Nazi or Antifa? How to tell them apart

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

U.N. Issues Climate Change Warning

From the Babylon Bee:
UN Warns Climate Change Will Destroy Earth By 2005

“We’ve run all the numbers, and it’s absolutely clear: every inch of dry land on the planet will be totally submerged by the year 2005,” said one member of the panel. “This is an absolute scientific fact.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Funny Stuff

Another Chuckle from The Babylon Bee

‘Kavanaugh Doesn’t Have The Right Temperament!’ Screams Protester Lobbing Grenade Outside Supreme Court

“He clearly doesn’t have the ability to remain calm and rational rather than allowing his emotions to govern his decisions!” she screamed, chucking the explosive device as other protesters and counter-protesters dived out of the way. “IRRATIONAL PEOPLE DON’T BELONG ON THE SUPREME COURT!”

“We just can’t let a guy who’s that emotional get so much power,” she said. “That’s why all men literally need to DIE!”

1 Comment

Filed under Funny Stuff

Senate to Be Replaced with Poo Flingers

From the Babylon Bee.
Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency overnight referendum, the American people voted on Thursday to replace the United States Senate with a room full of monkeys throwing feces. The measure passed with 57% of the vote. 22% of voters thought the Senate should be replaced by barking seals, while 17% voted that the replacement should be the pit of venomous snakes from Indiana Jones.

Comments Off on Senate to Be Replaced with Poo Flingers

Filed under Funny Stuff

God Checks Twitter, Immediately Bumps Up Date for Apocalypse

From The Babylon Bee.

HEAVEN—The Lord of all creation has reportedly bumped up the scheduled date for the consummation of all things after briefly checking Twitter Monday morning and verifying that things are much worse off than they were a year, a month, or even a week ago.

The timeframe to kick off the end times has been set in stone from eternity past, but the Almighty agreed to push it forward “just a little bit” after staring into the abyss of Twitter this morning.

“It was immediately apparent that things needed to be pushed up,” said one heavenly representative. “Both sides of every single ongoing discussion on Twitter were just flaming, trolling, and talking past one another. It was a total cesspool.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Funny Stuff

Pumpkin Spice Deposits Discovered

From the Babylon Bee.

Vast Swathes Of Pumpkin Spice Deposits Discovered Beneath Seattle

SEATTLE, WA—Miners working for Starbucks have confirmed an exciting discovery: vast swathes of pumpkin spice buried deep beneath the earth, just under the coffee company’s Seattle headquarters.

The valuable spice is thought to be deposited by giant, killer earthworms known to roam the rocks and dirt throughout the Pacific Northwest. The rare, mesmerizing substance reportedly glows an orangeish hue, and has been described by some as potentially addicting.

3 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

For Thee, Not Me

From the Babylon Bee.
Socialist Leaders Clarify: ‘We Only Want Socialism For Everyone Else’

“I’m doing pretty well for myself and don’t need socialism,” Bernie Sanders, who is a member of the one percent and owns multiple houses, explained. “Other people aren’t doing so well, and we should redistribute their wealth amongst each other, but I’m fine as I am.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on For Thee, Not Me

Filed under Funny Stuff

Cage Questions Kavanaugh

From the Babylon Bee.

Nicolas Cage Grills Kavanaugh On Whether Any Secret Maps Are Hidden On Constitution

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The confirmation hearing for Judge Brett Kavanaugh heated up as actor Nicolas Cage began an intense line of questioning Friday: “You say you’ve studied the Constitution,” Cage said to the nominee, “so have you seen anything on it that might resemble a map, maybe pointing to the location of a hidden treasure trove?”

Comments Off on Cage Questions Kavanaugh

Filed under Funny Stuff