Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

Ocasio-Cortez Appears on ‘The Price Is Right,’ Guesses Everything Is Free

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was pumped to attend a taping of The Price Is Right in Hollywood this week. The special guest introduced herself as a U.S. representative and rising star of the Democratic Party. Things got interesting when the game began and every time it was her turn to estimate the price of an item her answer was “free.” 

Items included a set of Italian leather handbags, an all expenses paid trip to the Bahamas, and a brand new 2019 BMW 330i, at all of which Ocasio-Cortez shouted, “FREE!”

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Scientists Recommend Reducing the Number of Democratic Presidential Candidates to Help Fight Climate Change

From The Babylon Bee.

Scientists have issued a dire warning: the current number of Democratic presidential candidates is simply unsustainable.

“No one ever thought this many people would run for president,” said climate scientist Dr. Raymond Hall, “and the planet just can’t take it. We’re talking each of them eating up resources vying for airtime, printing stickers with trite slogans, and flying from Iowa to New Hampshire. If they were actually all to be in one place for a debate, it would be an ecological disaster.”

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Joe Biden Appointed as Head of TSA

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid a flurry of accusations of inappropriate touching and crowding people’s personal space leveled at former vice president Joe Biden, President Trump announced Friday that Biden is his appointment to the Transporation Security Administration.

Biden will be tasked with showing TSA agents how to violate people’s personal space and privacy in their daily groping of American citizens. He already has “dozens” of charts and infographics he began to hand out to TSA workers all across the country, creeping up on them and gingerly setting the files in their hands as he whispered his instructions in their ears.

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‘Unplanned’ Twitter Account Slapped with Truthful Content Warning

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Over the weekend, as pro-life film Unplanned enjoyed a strong debut at the box office, Twitter employees took action against the movie’s social media account for displaying “dangerous, potentially truth-telling content.”

The social media platform displayed a warning to anyone trying to view the movie’s Twitter account or read any of its tweets, cautioning users that the material was way outside the progressive worldview and simply told the truth about abortion and Planned Parenthood. Users then had to click a button and read a disclaimer that Twitter was not responsible for any truthful content encountered.

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Investigation Launched into Possible Collusion Between Edmund and the White Witch

From The Babylon Bee.

CAIR PARAVEL—An official investigation into possible collusion between Edmund Pevensie, now King Edmund of Narnia, and the White Witch was launched this week.

Investigators are focusing on a shady meeting held in the White Witch’s sleigh, in which Edmund is accused of having sold out his siblings in exchange for a bit of Turkish delight. NBI, the Narnian Bureau of Investigation, is said to have recorded that conversation by putting a wire on the witch’s dwarf, which he agreed to wear in exchange for immunity and safe transport to Calormen.

The investigation is being headed up by Holedigger, a high-ranking badger in Cair Paravel’s justice department. King Edmund the Just has sent messages via carrier birds calling the investigation a “White Witch hunt” nearly every day since the investigation was announced. Many Narnians have tried to unsubscribe from the tweeting birds but have been unsuccessful. Continue reading

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Jussie Smollett Utilizes Tried-and-True ‘I Have a Lot of Money’ Defense

From The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—All charges against Jussie Smollett for faking a hate crime against himself have been dropped after the Empire actor and well-respected employer of Nigerians used the “I have a lot of money” defense in court.

Smollett’s legal team argued that while his alleged crimes were bad, on the other hand, he has a lot of money. The legal strategy is known as the “Chicago Special” to locals. It’s a standard procedure used in Cook County.

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Candidates Propose Changes to Fix Flaw in Constitution That Allows Republicans to Be Elected

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A number of Democrats have proposed changes to the structure of government that they think would help them win, such as lowering the voting age to 16, abolishing the Electoral College, packing the Supreme Court, and changing how Senate seats are allocated. Now, though, some of the Democratic presidential hopefuls are attacking the heart of the matter: what they call an “outdated Constitution” that sometimes “allows Republicans to be elected.”

“The election of Trump exposed a fundamental flaw in the Constitution,” Senator Elizabeth Warren said at a campaign rally. “Everyone said Hillary was supposed to win, but she didn’t. And we’re afraid that in the future, maybe Democrats won’t win again. We can’t allow that.” Continue reading

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Op-Ed: The Key to Stopping Mass Shootings Is to Pass Sensible Legislation Against Thoughts and Prayers

From The Babylon Bee.

I’ve noticed something. With every mass shooting, there are thoughts and prayers. That’s a correlation — a science word that means “one caused the other.”

Now, I’m a big believer in science. Science tells us about climate change and asteroids. I always listen to science — except economics which isn’t a real science and is very mean. So if science tells me that thoughts and prayers cause mass shootings, then I’m going to act. I’m going to tweet, “Hey, stop it with those thoughts and prayers.” And I’m going to do some more tweets. And then maybe write a bill — or an FAQ summarizing what I want the bill to be since that’s easier. Continue reading

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Southern Baptist Pastor Resigns in Disgrace After Admitting He Does Not Like Casseroles

From The Babylon Bee.

WEST HATTIESBURG, MS—Local Southern Baptist pastor Pete Harrison resigned in disgrace earlier this week after admitting that he doesn’t like eating casseroles.

The scandal unfolded after a church congregant unearthed comments made by Harrison in a recorded sermon over 10 years ago, in which Harrison said he preferred “something healthy like a nice garden salad” to “fatty, unhealthy casseroles.”

Dozens of angered church members stormed Harrison’s home with pitchforks and torches hastily assembled out of the church’s unused front pew, demanding answers. The pastor emerged, frightened and sheepish, and made a statement. Continue reading

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Ilhan Omar Withdraws Support From Bill to Save the Earth After Learning That’s Where Israel Is

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal hit a snag when it lost the support of another freshman representative, Ilhan Omar. Omar had been an enthusiastic supporter of the Green New Deal and wanted to save the earth, but then she noticed something very disturbing when looking at a map of the earth: Earth is the planet on which Israel resides.

“You’ve been hypnotized by the Jews!” Omar accused a surprised Ocasio-Cortez. Omar then ripped up a copy of the Green New Deal. “This is just a plot to help Israel keep existing! Did AIPAC pay you off?”

Ocasio-Cortez was very apologetic, saying she hadn’t considered how her plan would affect Israel. She then vowed to change her plan so it might save the whole planet except where Israel resides. Continue reading

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