Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

Seven Clever Ways to Scare Off Biden’s Door-to-Door Vaccine Evangelists

From The Babylon Bee.

The vaccine door-to-door evangelists are coming for you! Luckily, we at The Babylon Bee are extremely anti-social, so we’ve got some great ways to scare off the vaccine missionaries trying to get you to accept Dr. Fauci as your lord and savior.

Try one of these and let us know how it goes!*

1. Answer the door while casually cleaning your AR-15. – “Greetings, agent of the government! What can I do for you today?”

2. Wear a MAGA hat. – Works every time.

3. Sneeze violently and say you’re starting to lose your sense of taste. – “Does this apple taste like anything to you? Everything is starting to taste bland to me…”

4. Smear sacrificial ice cream on your doorposts to appease Biden. – It worked for the Israelites.

5. Show them your fully assembled LEGO Capitol Building set. – A true sign that you’re a deranged terrorist — they’ll run away screaming.

6. Smile and offer to shake their hand. – Nothing scares the pro-SCIENCE crowd like interacting like a normal human being.

7. If all else fails, release the hounds. – Hopefully you’ve had your “Release the Hounds” button installed already.

*The Babylon Bee is not responsible for any death, dismemberment, or imprisonment in a reeducation camp resulting from these techniques.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Door-To-Door Vaccine Monitor #1 Career Choice for Kids Who Got Beat Up in High School

Based on LEGO Evidence, FBI Believes Capitol Rioter Was Also Planning Attack on Hogwarts Castle

Teachers Demand Cameras in Homes to Monitor What Parents Are Teaching Children

J.R.R. Tolkien Returns with Army of the Dead to Destroy Everyone Trying to Make ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Woke

ESPN Anchor Fired After Being Caught on Mic Actually Talking About Sports

Updated Death Certificates Require Choosing Between COVID, Climate Change, or Systemic Racism as Cause of Death

Bernie Sanders Submits Bill to Tax the $0.16 Saved on Barbecues

FBI Claims Sauron Had LEGO Model of Minas Tirith in His Bedroom

Sad: This Teacher Wants to Indoctrinate Her Students with CRT but Then She’d Actually Have to Go Back to Work

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A ballad of political unity

From The Babylon Bee.

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Babylon Bee

2020_01 24 Babylon

[SATIRE] In his opening statement at Trump’s impeachment trial, Rep. Adam Schiff reminded the Senate of their solemn duty and the gravity of just what it is they will be discussing at the trial.

Schiff warned that if Trump is not impeached, the American people may have a chance to tamper with the next election.

“If President Trump is not impeached, the American people might get a say in who is president,” Schiff said gravely. “We simply can’t allow that to happen. We must diligently defend our electoral process against electoral outcomes we do not like. If that means seizing power through a sham impeachment trial, so be it.”

“When the Founders wrote that founding document thing, they never imagined there would be electoral outcomes that Democrats did not agree with.”

Democrats also said they even have hard evidence that the 2016 election was compromised by Republicans voting for Trump.

“We know this horrible outcome could happen, because it’s already happened once before.”

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Fake News You Can Trust

2020_01 07 Bee

CNN has slammed the world’s best satire site, The Babylon Bee, after CNN executives realized that “fake news” articles on the website were getting at least as much social media traction as their own.

There ain’t room in this internet for the both of us,” growled one CNN anchor on the air Monday evening. “There simply aren’t enough people out there for us to fool with our fake news stories and The Babylon Bee to fool with their satire. There isn’t enough clickbait and outrage traffic to go around.”

Reporters at the media outlet also pointed out that their news was “much faker” than The Babylon Bee’s.

They’re obviously amateurs over there at The Bee,” said Brian Stelter. “A lot of times, their reporting comes true. If you’re gonna do fake news, do it right — 100% fake, guaranteed, 24/7. They really should learn from the pros over here at CNN.”

Stay out of our territory,” he growled.

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Media Disappointed to Learn Armed Citizen Stopped Mass Shooting

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation’s media outlets announced they were grieving today as an armed citizen stopped a mass shooting.

“We grieve that this tragedy we could have exploited for weeks on end was stopped by a good guy with a gun,” said one teary-eyed MSNBC reporter on the scene. “Our thoughts and prayers are with the shooter.”

“We are absolutely heartbroken and in shock over here,” said one New York Times journalist. “What could have given us weeks and weeks of frothing-at-the-mouth stories about gun control will now have to be suppressed since it does not align with our agenda.”

News outlets also reminded the nation that they reserve the right to immediately bury mass shooting stories that don’t help push their agenda. Continue reading

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Multiple Sources Accuse Donald Duck of Walking onto Movie Sets Without Any Pants

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Times have changed in Hollywood since the early days, and no one is learning that lesson harder than industry veteran Donald Duck. Multiple sources have accused him of walking onto movie sets throughout his career without wearing any pants.

Multiple images and videos have emerged supporting these accusations.

“He used to just wander in, yell unintelligibly and get mad at everyone, and then storm off,” said one crew member who worked with Duck in “Donald’s Dilemma.” “And yeah, the whole time he’d be naked from the waist down. I mean, granted, it was a different time, but yeah, looking back, it was really inappropriate.”

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Survey Finds More People Would Support Impeachment If They Knew What Crime Trump Was Supposed to Have Committed

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new study found that support for impeaching President Trump would rise significantly if someone, anyone could just tell people what crime Trump is supposed to have committed.

Republicans and many independents are stubbornly resisting the impeachment inquiry, as though you have to have some kind of reason to impeach the president. Democrats oppose this logic, saying that impeaching a president who insists on being Trump is a constitutional duty. Many Americans are just kind of confused by the whole thing and are waiting for something more interesting to come on TV.

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Panel of Third Graders to Dictate Nation’s Climate Change Policy

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a panel on climate change held yesterday, the Senate brought in a group of excited third graders for ideas on fighting climate change.

“These kids have ideas and they are passionate, so we must listen to them,” said Sen. Brian Schatz of Hawaii. “There are no possible downsides to taking kids who have been told the world is ending by the public school system and allowing them to dictate national policies on important issues.”

The kids came up with the following list so far, though they say they’re “just spitballing” and the ideas need some fleshing out:

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Nation’s Raging Dumpster Fires Ask People to Stop Comparing Them to American Politics

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The raging dumpster fires of the nation held a press conference Monday at which they politely asked people to stop comparing them to American politics.

“We are being unfairly maligned here,” said one garbage dumpster with huge flames bursting from its lid. “We dumpsters don’t try to mess with your lives or anything.”

The dumpster fires then produced a chart showing that while politicians have lots of bad qualities, dumpster fires possess none of these dangerous and deadly characteristics:

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White Girl Turned Into Pillar of Pumpkin Spice After Looking Back at Starbucks

From The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—Local white girl Chloe Winters was tragically turned into a pillar of pumpkin spice after she looked back longingly at a local Starbucks.

Her boyfriend, Zander Byers, said they should keep moving as the line was long and the pumpkin spice drinks are “actually pretty gross and don’t really taste like either pumpkin or spice.”

But Winters didn’t listen and as the two fled the area, she craned her neck to get one final glance. Instantly, she was transformed into a pillar of pumpkin spice, along with her Uggs, North Face jacket, and yoga pants.

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