Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

RELIGIOUS EXTREMISM: Kavanaugh Caught Serving Food to Homeless

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.

Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?”

“It is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal,” read an opinion piece published on Politico. “We want justices who don’t have an inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you know—justice.” Continue reading

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Tim Tebow Suspended for Using Performance-Enhancing Bible Verses

From The Babylon Bee.

BINGHAMTON, NY—League officials confirmed Thursday that Double-A baseball player and devout Christian Tim Tebow has been suspended for using performance-enhancing Bible verses both on and off the field.

Tebow was spotted injecting the encouraging Bible passages into his morning devotional in the team’s locker room and was reported to appropriate authorities. He is barred from playing in the league until a full investigation of his Bible-reading activities can be conducted.

“The league has a zero-tolerance policy on Bible verses that inspire and encourage a player to do his best and play for the glory of God, and thus bestow an unfair advantage,” league investigator Mack Columbeau said in a press conference. “We will be looking into this matter objectively and completely before rendering a final judgment on Mr. Tebow. If he has violated league policy, he’ll be punished appropriately.” Continue reading

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No Swimsuit Competition!

From the Babylon Bee: Trump Agrees To Remove Swimsuit Competition From SCOTUS Nomination Process

“This is long overdue,” said law professor Edgar Ford. “It’s time to put out the message that judges of all shapes and sizes can rule on Constitutional issues. Not just those who look good in a bikini.”

The swimsuit competition has been considered controversial ever since it caused the otherwise-qualified Robert Bork not to get a seat at the Supreme Court in 1987. More recently, the swimsuit competition was why the Republicans wouldn’t even consider Barack Obama’s nominee Merrick Garland, instead waiting for the election of Donald Trump, whom supporters consider to have a better eye for such things.

The Supreme Court contest will continue to involve a Q&A, an evening robe competition, and a talent show. For the talent portion, an insider reportedly advised the contestants that Trump loves puppet shows, “especially if the puppets hit each other.”

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As Justice Kennedy Retires, Nation Takes Moment to Thank God Hillary Clinton Not President

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—After Justice Kennedy announced his retirement Wednesday, the nation took a brief moment to thank the Lord that Hillary Clinton lost the 2016 election, and thus would not be able to select his replacement for the Supreme Court.

The nation acknowledged that it didn’t deserve God’s blessings but thanked Him anyway for sparing them a Clinton presidency.

“Father God, we just want to thank You that Hillary Clinton didn’t win the presidency. We know, Lord, that Trump isn’t ideal either, but hoo boy. That was a close one,” one man said in a special emergency prayer and thanksgiving service held at his church in Kentucky. “You truly are wise and sovereign.”
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Liberals Now in Favor of Businesses’ Right to Refuse Service

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—After a restaurant recently asked White House press secretary Sarah Sanders to leave, liberals across the country announced they were suddenly in favor of allowing businesses the right to refuse service, despite their previous insistence that everyone be served, even if a business owner has a conscientious or religious objection in a particular case.

Liberal Americans had a near-instantaneous change of heart on the hotly debated topic of businesses being able to refuse service to people with whom they have serious ideological disagreements after Sanders was turned away from a public establishment. Thousands came forward to voice their newfound belief in the right to associate and renewed interest in defending individuals’ private property rights.


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House Democrats Draft Legislation That Would Make It a Hate Crime to Eat at Chick-Fil-A

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Under intense pressure from their left-leaning constituents to do something about the dangerous, Christian-founded restaurant chain, Democrats in the House of Representatives unveiled legislation Tuesday that would make it a hate crime to eat at Chick-fil-A.

The CFAHATE Act Of 2018 would make it a hate crime punishable by federal law to dine at the restaurant or use its drive-thru, with extra punishments for people who post that they’re eating at the restaurant on their social media accounts. The legislation would also impose heftier penalties for anyone who patronizes the extremist hate group’s chicken sandwich establishments during Pride Month.

“We want people making fast-food dining choices to think carefully about a restaurant’s background,” House Minority Leader and bill co-sponsor Nancy Pelosi said in a video posted to her official YouTube account. “If a restaurant’s leadership is associated with Christian values in any way, frequenting their locations amounts to literal violence against minorities, women, and the LGBTQ+ community.” Continue reading

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Obama Calls Trump to Personally Thank Him for Taking Blame for Photos of Immigrant Children

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former president Barack Obama called the White House today to personally thank Donald Trump for taking the blame for a recently circulated set of photos of immigrant children detained at the border that actually depicted the consequences of immigration policies in place during Obama’s tenure.

Obama was concerned that people on Twitter, Facebook, and other social media platforms might make the connection that many of the photos, facts, and figures people were upset about were from the years when he was president.

“I was really nervous the lid was gonna blow off that whole thing,” Obama admitted. When Obama realized that he was in the clear, and that Trump would be receiving the full brunt of the online outrage and blame for policies that had gone completely ignored during his own presidency, the former leader of the free world decided some thanks were in order. Continue reading

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Confirmed: Next Year’s Met Gala Theme to Mock Islam

From The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK CITY, NY—Representatives for the Metropolitan Museum of Art confirmed Tuesday that after its annual gala’s theme successfully skewered Catholicism and Christianity this year, it would continue its edgy commentary on religion by asking attendees to wear sacrilegious outfits making a mockery of Islam next year.

 

Gala organizers wanted to ensure they were offending all religions equally, and not unfairly targeting Christian beliefs.

“Our theme for 2019 will be ‘Islamic Imagination,’ and we will encourage celebrities to dress up like the prophet Muhammad or one of his concubines,” a representative for the Met said in an interview Tuesday. “Mocking religion is uncharted territory for cultural influencers such as ourselves. And we’re going to continue our edgy take by absolutely slamming Islam next year.”

“It’s gonna be lit,” she added.

Celebrities from across the world have already RSVPed, with Jared Leto confirming he would come dressed up as Muhammed, and Rihanna suggesting she may come dressed up as the Koran.

At publishing time, organizers had confirmed that following years would include mockery of Hinduism and Buddhism to make sure no one felt left out.

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Middle Earth Announces Heavy Tariffs on Narnian Imports

From The Babylon Bee.

MINAS TIRITH, GONDOR—Kicking off a major trade war between the two kingdoms, the Middle-Earth Trade Federation has announced heavy tariffs on the import of Narnian steel, sending the stock market into a freefall Thursday.

Any steel imported from Narnia to Gondor, Rohan, Erebor, or Mirkwood will be subject to a 30% tax. The move is expected to raise the end consumer price of various imported goods significantly, according to expert economists working at Rivendell.

“Trade wars are great, and they’re really easy to win,” the king of Gondor said in a dispatch via carrier pigeon. “If we keep allowing cheap Narnian steel to flood the market, our own blacksmiths won’t be able to be competitive. This act will strengthen our own economies and create hundreds of thousands of jobs, from the Grey Havens to the far reaches of Ithilien.”

Cair Paravel was quick to respond to the aggressive trade maneuver, planning to levy tariffs on exports of Middle-Earth products like lembas bread, magical fireworks, and oliphaunt tusks. The Kings and Queens of Narnia claim the tactic is designed to force the METF to back off their original restrictive tariffs, which they say will harm both universe’s economies.

The move also ratcheted tensions up between the two fictional universes at a time when Mordor is reportedly on the verge of acquiring nuclear weapons, reporters claim.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

All-Seeing Eye of Sauron Unveiled at Facebook Headquarters

Democrats Announce All 2020 Candidates Will Forgo Armed Security to Protest Gun Violence

Ultrasound Shows Unborn Baby Holding “Keep Your Laws Off My Body” Sign

“I’m Sorry, Dave — I’m Afraid I Can’t Do That,” Intones Menacing Mark Zuckerberg As Man Attempts to Delete His Facebook Account

Planned Parenthood Workers Breathe Sigh of Relief as Anti-Violence Protesters March Right On By Their Office

Christian Woman Spends 10% of Paycheck at Hobby Lobby in Lieu of Tithing

Larry Boy Confirmed for “Avengers: Infinity War”

“The Message” Now Available in Popular Comic Sans Font

Facebook Reminds Users Its Terms of Service Specifically Allow for Orwellian Social Engineering

Opinion: If You Like to Talk to Tomatoes, Seek Professional Counseling Immediately

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Harvard Now Offering Four-Year Degree in Feeling Oppressed

From The Babylon Bee.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Responding to consumer demand, Ivy League bellwether Harvard University announced Monday its new four-year Bachelor’s degree in Feeling Oppressed.

“For those lucky enough to be able to afford the quarter-million-dollar cost of attending our prestigious school, we are offering a comprehensive program that will prepare you for a lifetime of convincing yourself that you are a perpetual victim and nothing that happens in your life is your own fault,” Harvard president Drew Faust announced in an afternoon press conference.

“It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, what your background is, whether or not you’re by far the most privileged people in the history of our planet—you should feel oppressed, and we will prove it to you.”

Pressed by a reporter about the feasibility of finding a successful career and contributing to society after attaining a degree in Feeling Oppressed, Faust suggested that this would be the generation to implement universal income, rendering productive careers obsolete and freeing citizens to “fight oppression even more.”

Asked by another reporter, “Doesn’t Harvard already pretty much include unofficial training in feeling oppressed in each one of your degrees?” Faust called the question “offensive” and abruptly wrapped up the press conference.

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