From The Babylon Bee.
LYNNWOOD, WA—Sources confirmed Thursday that local freethinker Jared Olson called into question the “absurd” idea that he had anything to be thankful for, all while his heart continued to beat regularly as it has done since before his birth, pumping blood through his body in a complex, life-sustaining process well beyond his mind’s capability of understanding in its entirety.
“I really don’t understand what all I’m supposed to be thankful for,” a slightly drunken Olson opined, addressing whichever members of his extended family were within earshot, as the membrane across his larynx vibrated to modulate the flow of air from his lungs, making his speech audible to the people listening, whose intricate ear structures then instantly transformed the invisible sound waves into abstract thought in their brain’s nervous tissue.
Olson went on to pursue the line of reasoning even further, noting that he was passed up for a job promotion that he was “really expecting,” in the same year his dog died. According to eyewitnesses, he spoke these words as the surface his feet rested on continued to spin around the earth’s core without any input from him, all while the only known habitable planet on which he stood rocketed around the center of the galaxy in perfect formation at the unfathomable rate of 490,000 miles per hour.
At one point during his monologue, Olson reportedly glanced around the room to notice several members of his healthy, caring family staring at him, his eyes’ hundreds of millions of cone and rod cells responding to stimuli in an unimaginably sophisticated procedure that he never has to think about. As these elaborate structures continued to capture and process an unbelievable volume of input per second, Olson reported he was all the more confident from the looks of those around him that he had made his case.
“Thanksgiving? Pssh—thanks for nothing,” Olson remarked, before somberly digging into a meal the likes of which the vast majority of the world’s population could only dream of eating.
Also from The Babylon Bee:
Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving.
First a word from our sponsors: The admins here (two lovely and frightfully smart ladies) and me, the village idiot, are going to suspend the normal political diatribes until after the holiday. We will, however, bring you some special features.
I’d like to express for myself, and quite probably my buddies here, my profound thanks to all of you for stopping here. We don’t have a donation button or beg-a-thons like some sites. We do this as a public service and because we enjoy it. It is gratifying to know that so many of you feel we are worthy of a little bit of your time.
OK, now the fun stuff.
Many television shows have produced episodes to coincide with holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
WKRP in Cincinnati was a 70s sitcom with an excellent ensemble cast. The following is one of the funniest bits ever filmed. No doubt most of you have seen it, but maybe it’s been a while. It will be the best 4 minutes you’ll spend today listening to Les Nessman describe the carnage as the turkeys go splat on the pavement.
Cheers was another funny scene. Poor Norm.
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
MADtv – Dot’s Thanksgiving Play (I REALLY ENJOYED MADtv)
DeNIRO AND CRYSTAL… TWO SCREAMING LIBS, BUT PRETTY FUNNY TOGETHER
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING TRULY BIZARRE
The Muppets Audition for The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
MY GRANDPARENTS GOT A COLOR TV ON OCT. 4, 1964 (it was my sister’s birthday).
I REMEMBER WATCHING THE MACY’S PARADE IN COLOR FOR THE FIRST TIME. IT WAS AMAZING.
Red Skelton was a comic genius and a real American original. In 1952 he addressed his audience this way:
A Thanksgiving Day Message From Red Skelton from 1952
On the day before Thanksgiving every year Rush Limbaugh relates the story of the true meaning of Thanksgiving. It was all about the abject failure of socialism and the power of capitalism.You’re probably familiar with it, but here is the transcript and the audio.
Rush Limbaugh has made it an annual tradition to take a moment before the holiday to tell “the true story of Thanksgiving,” a holiday about which many of the historical facts are often left out and much of the true meaning has been lost in the simplified and politically correct version of the tale. The true story, he explains, highlights the faith and courage of the Pilgrims, the partnership between the settlers and the Native Americans, the failure of socialism and the power of free enterprise.
I WOULD BE REMISS IF I DIDN’T GIVE THANKS TO ALMIGHTY GOD FOR DELIVERING US FROM LIBERAL TYRANNY AND GIVING US A PRESIDENT WHO WORSHIPS HIM AND NOT A FALSE IDOL.
First Lady Melania Trump Receives the White House Christmas Tree
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song I give thanks to Him.
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
The Mayflower’s Puritan Pilgrims arrived ill prepared for life in the New World. By the end of their first winter, half of the 102 settlers were dead.
Previous European visitors had imported diseases against which the natives had no immunity. In the area where the Puritans settled, pandemics had spared only 1,000 of a once mighty confederation of 20,000 natives.
[It should be noted that Europeans had no understanding of or control over these diseases. In fact, deadly infection could have gone the other way, as it had two centuries before, when sailors returning from Asia unwittingly imported Black Plague, which killed 75 to 200 million Europeans in the space of about seven years.]
The native leader, Massasoit, was not happy the Puritans had arrived; he was even less enthused about their plan to stay. And when the starved Puritans found some of their cache of corn and took it for their own use, he decided he’d had enough.
It would have been a simple matter for Massasoit’s warriors to wipe out the failing colony. They did not do so because an English-speaking native, a man we know as Squanto, convinced Massasoit to let him help the settlers.
Squanto introduced himself to the Puritans and served as a translator and diplomat for them in their negotiations with Massasoit. He arranged a pay back plan for the corn they’d taken and helped them with local seed and farming advice suited to the unfamiliar climate.
Squanto’s intervention was interpreted correctly by the Puritans as a blessing straight from God. Ironically, this blessing came to these rigidly anti-Catholic Protestants by way of Pope Paul III and a group of Catholic priests!
In the 16th c., some non-Catholic Christian denominations were teaching that the natives in Africa and the New World were not “made in the image of God” human beings, but rather soul-less animals, the same as pigs or cows. [Sound familiar?]
In 1537, Pope Paul III taught infallibly that this was nonsense. Native Americans “and all other people who may later be discovered by Christians, are by no means to be deprived of their liberty or the possession of their property, even though they be outside the faith of Jesus Christ.” –Sublimus Dei: On the enslavement and evangelization of Indians (1537)
This is why, in 1614, Catholic priests intervened to spare the kidnapped Squanto from being sold into slavery in Europe. These priests catechized and baptized him into the Catholic Christian faith. He then lived and worked among the British, learning their customs and language until 1619, when he returned to his home in the New World.
Tragically, he found everyone in his village had died. Massasoit was justifiably angry about the European’s diseases, but it seems to me that Squanto, having also been kidnapped by a British slaver, had even greater cause to seek revenge. The fact that Squanto chose mercy over retaliation suggests to me that he was truly a follower of Jesus Christ.
What an excellently ecumenical God-incidence that the first Protestant settlement to survive in the New World owed its very survival to a baptized Catholic!