Tag Archives: Duffel Blog

Pentagon Downplays Significance of Taliban Taking Over All of Afghanistan Last Night

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WASHINGTON, D.C.[DuffelBlog] — Following the Taliban’s complete takeover of Afghanistan late last night, Pentagon Press Secretary Peter Cook noted in an early morning press briefing that the Pentagon remains “generally positive” about the war effort and that “there is minimal cause for concern.”

“That’s how things go in a protracted counterinsurgency,” Cook told reporters. “You face some minor setbacks regardless of how many troops lose their lives or how many billions of taxpayer dollars are spent equipping local defense forces incapable of defending their own country.”

After the Taliban overran Afghan forces in Helmand earlier this year and took over the city of Kunduz this week, sources say the Obama Administration and many senior defense officials seemed surprised that major media outlets expressed even the slightest bit of interest in a war over a decade old.

At Central Command in Tampa, Fla., Gen. Lloyd Austin — who oversees forces in the region — assured reporters there was little cause for concern.

“We’ve seen this time and time again,” Austin said. “This modest spike in Taliban attacks shows that our strategy is working. These massive coordinated attacks are merely the death throes of an insurgent movement.”

Read the whole satire article at the Duffel Blog.

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Filed under Afghanistan, Taliban

Duffel Blog Comes Out with Tactical Tomahawk Parody Just in Time for Grunt to Use it to Shame His Son, Who Carried One Through TSA Security at DIA This Weekend

Just today, Monday, the Duffel Blog posted an amusing parody about an intelligence officer at Bagram Airfield who finally discarded enough essential equipment from his tactical vest to find a place to put his 16″ tactical tomahawk, which of course, is much more critical than a first aid kit or extra ammo.
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But the awesome thing about this blog post is that it comes just in time to use against my son, who flies back into town tonight from a training trip. You see, when he left town last week, he was carrying a lot of tactical gear, including firearms locked in hard cases to be checked with the airline. But the really fun thing is that he apparently forgot to take the tactical tomahawk out of his carry-on backpack before attempting to clear TSA security at Denver International Airport. This is not something I advise any readers to do if they value their freedom or dignity. If you choose to do such a thing, I highly advise that you do it while part of a large group of other men dressed in similar tactical gear. That intimidates the TSA just enough to forget that they’re supposed to treat you like a “lone wolf” terrorist and you might barely escape without an anal probing.

The downside to traveling in such a group, as my son found out, is that your unit will not fail to notice that you’ve done one of the most bonehead things they’ve ever seen, and you will be doing pushups until you can’t move and buying everybody steak dinners for a very long time.  And then, after all that, you get home, and your dad gets to give you crap about how you’ve “dishonored the family” and make you fetch beers from the fridge downstairs for hours.  I can’t wait.

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Filed under TSA

White House Updates Relationship With Military To: “It’s Complicated”

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WASHINGTON, D.C.[DuffelBlog] — President Obama updated the White House’s relationship with the Military to “it’s complicated” on Facebook yesterday.

Citing differences of opinion with top military leaders, the president told reporters he wanted to “see other security advisers” but he wasn’t prepared to completely sever his relationship with top military brass.

“I just feel like we’re growing apart,” President Obama told Duffel Blog. “I think we both know this has been building for awhile. We’ve had some good times. We’ve had some bad times. But with the election and stuff, I think it’s time we just take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship and our expectations of each other, while leaving the door open for the future.”

White House Spokesman Josh Earnest later clarified that the president and top brass would still “hook up” when the need arose. “Basically,” Earnest said, “the relationship still allows for a ‘boots call,’ if the president needs some.”

Top military leaders apparently had no idea this was coming. Adm. James A. Winnefeld, Jr., reportedly iMessaged the president, “Wait. What?! You asshole! You didn’t even have the balls to tell us in person?! I can’t believe you would do this over Facebook where everyone can see without talking to us first!!!!!!!!!!”

“(>_<),” he added.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel (@HagelParty) expressed his dismay via Twitter, “Typical. Glad HE knew this was building. I didn’t. #obummer #greyhairdontcare”

Read more at the DuffelBlog.

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Filed under Armed Forces, Barack Obama, Funny Stuff