Tag Archives: Duffel Blog

Impeachment bombshell: Col. Mustard testimony puts Trump in the library with candlestick

From The Duffel Blog.

WASHINGTON – The House Intelligence Committee called upon Col. Mustard to testify last Tuesday in the hearings related to President Donald Trump’s impeachment. Mustard, a career Army officer and combat veteran of both the Boer War and the Sudan Campaign, sat in on the now-famous July phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelensky.

“I intercepted the rapscallion’s communique with the chief minister of the former Cossack Hetmanate,” the great white hunter declared, “And by Jove, a saucy kerfuffle transpired.”

Mustard, garbed smartly in khaki officer’s dress and riding pantaloons, boldly narrated the already-released transcripts of the exchange recorded on a giant scroll unfurled by his loyal footman, Willingford. Though he added no new information to the proceedings, the Victorian vigilante did create a spectacle worthy of the Shakespearian drama that has consumed the electoral process. Continue reading

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Army to Name New Attack Helicopter after Elizabeth Warren

From The Duffel Blog.

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — The U.S. Army will honor Elizabeth Warren and her Native American ancestry with the latest addition to its helicopter fleet, the AH-68 Warren, sources confirmed today.

The Warren will join the Black Hawk, Kiowa, Apache, and Lakota in the Army’s impressive legacy of combat aircraft named after Native American tribes.

The Warren conquered its two chief competitors, the AH-67 Redskin and V-23 Columbus, to win the Army contract. Continue reading

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Troops in Afghanistan heartbroken after Speaker Pelosi’s visit cancelled

From The Duffel Blog.

BAGRAM AIR BASE, Afghanistan — Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their planned visit this past weekend, sources confirmed today.

President Donald Trump halted the congressional delegation’s trip seemingly in response to Pelosi suggesting the president cancel or delay his State of the Union address, citing security concerns. The bus filled with congressman was stopped at the way to Joint Base Andrews where military aircraft were prepared to carry the representatives to Afghanistan.

“It’s terrible,” Staff Sgt. Paul Morin said. “They were going to cancel the vehicle inspection so we could all go shake her hand for six seconds, but then we had to clean all the vehicles three times.”

“It’s a shame,” Sgt. 1st Class Mark Klages said. “Morale has gotten get pretty low around here with the holidays being over, the awful weather, the ANA’s incompetence and our confusing strategy, but it would have helped a lot to be talked at by an old lady from San Francisco.” Continue reading


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Apple, Facebook, Google issue joint statement condemning NSA data mining

From The Duffel Blog.

SAN FRANCISCO — Silicon Valley technology giants Apple, Facebook and Google, in a rare joint statement, condemned the National Security Agency and other government organizations for mining internet users’ private data on Thursday.

The media titans called the agency “un-American” and vowed not to cooperate with federal agencies and authorities unless directed by a lawful court order or warrant.

“We are appalled that the federal government would spy on its own citizens, who have not been accused of any crime or infraction,” said Alexandra Forrest, a Google spokeswoman.

Continue reading

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Chelsea Manning hopes to become Senate’s first openly transgender disgrace

From The Duffel Blog.

BETHESDA, Md. — Convicted traitor Chelsea Manning has announced the start of her campaign to become the US Senate’s first openly-transgender disgrace, sources confirmed this week.

Manning is also hoping to become the youngest female disgrace of a senator.

“There have been many disgraceful senators,” said political analyst Rob Tembley. “In fact, there are many serving right now. Manning, however, would be the first openly transgender one.”

Manning, best known for leaking classified information to Wikileaks, listed a number of reasons on her campaign website showing why she is qualified to be a disgrace.

A self-described “intelligence expert” after serving three years in the Army, she was reprimanded for publicly describing the interior of a SCIF. Her other military achievements include almost being discharged from boot camp, punching her supervisor in the face, flipping a table after minor corrective counseling, and being awarded the National Defense Service Medal.

In her first campaign ad, Chelsea proclaims “We don’t need more, or better leaders,” a sentiment anyone who wants Chelsea Manning in the senate would agree with.

“We need someone willing to fight,” Manning continues, referring to her inability to fight when her supervisor removed the bolt from her rifle after she was found in a cupboard in the fetal position.

Although the 30-year-old traitor with no advanced education is a historically unqualified candidate, supporters claim her emotional problems and mental instability make her a great fit for the current political climate.

When reached for comment, Manning responded with four emojis and a cartoon photo of herself flashing a peace sign.

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Mattis Changes Title from Secretary of Defense to First Lord of Destruction

From The Duffel Blog.

THE PENTAGON – Retired Marine Gen. Jim Mattis has made it clear that he is in fact no one’s secretary.

In an effort to better align the title of his office with the duties and obligations he executes, sources say that Mattis will unilaterally change his title from Secretary of Defense to First Lord of Destruction.

One senior defense official said that other titles considered were Purveyor of Devastation and America’s Mighty Hammer of Righteousness. However, First Lord of Destruction had a nice “Marine Corps meets Sith Lord” kind of ring to it, the source said.

“If any of you sons of bitches calls me secretary, I’ll punch you right in the throat,” Mattis told members of the press in a recent briefing.

“I’ll call him whatever he wants,” one visibly shaken undersecretary of defense told reporters, on condition of anonymity. “Just as long as he doesn’t hurt me again. I called him Mr. Secretary once and he punched me right in the throat.”

Meanwhile, Mattis has also criticized others in the administration for what he refers to as “pansy” titles, such as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Joe Dunford.

“Chairman?” Mattis asked rhetorically during a White House meeting, according to an administration source. “Boring! How about Peerless Leader of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse?”

[continue reading here]

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ISIS Condemns Kathy Griffin For Cultural Appropriation

From The Duffel Blog.

RAQQA, Syria — The self-proclaimed Islamic State has issued a statement condemning self-proclaimed comedian Kathy Griffin, accusing her of “cultural appropriation” after she posed for a photograph with a mock severed head of President Donald Trump.

The group, which has been protective of its brand ever since taking over vast swaths of Iraq and Syria and establishing itself as the premier beheading agency in the Middle East, said it was deeply disturbed by Griffin’s “ignorant and offensive” use of a “sacred Islamic State tradition.”

“This is just another example of a privileged white woman culturally appropriating the proud custom of a marginalized people. Beheadings are our thing, not your thing,” said the statement, which was released on Telegram.

Reports indicate that ISIS was at least somewhat relieved to see the swift and overwhelming backlash against Griffin on social media.

“Of course, the West’s social justice ‘warriors’ have always been our ally, and once again, they did not disappoint. We’re thankful that our fatwa friends immediately identified her offensive appropriation of one of our most cherished rituals,” said Aahil al-Raqqa, an executioner for the group.

According to sources close to the matter, it wasn’t simply Griffin’s portrayal of a beheading that was offensive, but also her lack of attention to detail to such a definitive aspect of ISIS culture.

“The face was so bloodied you could hardly see it,” al-Raqqa said. “Who does that?” he asked, adding that the point of displaying heads is so the media could identify the beheaded.

“She might as well have held up some plastic model head with a toupee and a lot of ketchup. This is even worse than when the Oberlin cafeteria served that pathetic excuse for Ban Mhi, or when those two American chicks in Portland stole burrito recipes from some poor abuelas down in Rosarito.”

[continue reading here]


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Water we supposed to do about this?

From The Duffel Blog (which we’re beginning to suspect is all wet).

WASHINGTON — The US government has raised its terror warning status this week after the FBI issued a warning that the terror group ISIS may have access to the chemical dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO), and may be preparing to use it in attacks on US soil.

Sources say the group has used the substance to launch probing attacks on multiple US coastal cities. A recent attack in Louisiana has destroyed thousands of homes, although ISIL has not yet claimed responsibility.

“We’re doing everything we can to dry up their supply of DHMO,” said FBI Director James Comey. “We’ve been inundated by a flood of information in the past twenty-four hours, and we hope some of that will trickle down into actionable intelligence.”

Already, numerous drone strikes have been launched against suspected DHMO storage facilities, but thus far they have “barely made a ripple,” say Central Intelligence Agency sources.

The FBI has warned Americans to avoid drinking from public taps, as they may have been saturated with DHMO by ISIL sleeper cells.

Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter says his anger “is boiling over, as in recent years Congress has siphoned off the resources designed to ebb such a threat.”

“We no longer have a well of funding specifically designed to dam the flow of DHMO streaming out of the Middle East,” said Carter. “And without those resources, they’re using it to really mop the floor with us.”

As to how vast ISIL’s DHMO supply actually is, Carter suspects they have “oceans of it.” According to analysts, he says, they have so much that they are “literally drowning in it.”

“Whether we’re able to get to the bottom of this,” says Carter, “really depends on which way the tide turns.”


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Navy to build USS Thanks Obama for deployment to every disaster

From The Duffel Blog.

WASHINGTON — The Navy announced today it would build and commission the USS Thanks Obama, a new frigate that will be used solely for rapid deployment to disasters around the world.

“We want to honor our president and thank him for all his hard work,” said Navy Secretary Ray Mabus. “While at the same time, fielding a ship that is more than capable of deploying to hotspots he has sternly tweeted about.”

The planned ship will be an updated design of the Littoral Combat Ship — which many view as one of the best ships in the Navy — though it will have integrated solar panels as its main power source. The USS Thanks Obama will also be put on the water long before it’s ready and will be billions over budget, in keeping with both Obama administration and Navy tradition.

The Thanks Obama will also have a more modern galley filled with vegan options, a gym that plays “Let’s Move” videos on repeat, and a medical facility with state-of-the-art waiting rooms.

Mabus also said it would be the first ship equipped with a magazine of six auxiliary captains onboard, for rapid firing and replacement.




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Heroic veteran from Oregon shooting just glad he’s not in VA hospital

From The Duffel Blog.

PORTLAND, Ore. — Real-life hero and Army veteran Chris Mintz, who took seven gunshot wounds while protecting classmates at an Oregon college last week, says he considers himself truly blessed to get treatment in a civilian hospital.

“As I got in the ambulance, I kept thinking to myself, ‘Dear God, please don’t let them take me to a VA hospital. I don’t want to die waiting for treatment,’” Mintz told reporters from his bedside at Mercy Medical Center, where nurses actually check on him periodically to ask whether he needs anything, such as a blanket or a snack from the cafeteria, and bring it back to him within minutes, despite him not filling out the proper DA-7022 Form, Meal Replenishment paperwork. “When I think about my brothers and sisters in arms that started waiting for Veterans Affairs service before I was shot, and will still be in the waiting room after I’m discharged, I have flashbacks of my week-long VA eye exam.”

In recognition of Mintz’s heroism, Defense Secretary Ashton Carter offered to transfer Mintz to any active military hospital of his choice for continued care, sources confirmed. “No thanks,” Mintz reportedly said, according to an unnamed physical therapist who started working with the Army veteran almost immediately after a doctor requested his services instead of waiting for paperwork to make it through the system over a period of five to seven months. “If I can’t stay in a civilian hospital, just go ahead and drop me off at my car and I’ll drive home.”

While many have speculated about the VA’s response to Mintz’s statements, the department has so far remained silent. When reporters attempted to reach the VA for comment, they were put on hold, then after a seven-hour wait, the line was cut off.

Mintz, who has shown never-ending selflessness, says that he hopes to recover soon.

“The faster I’m out of here, the faster I can start repaying them for my GI Bill,” Mintz said. “After getting dropped from my classes because I have not attended over the past few days, the VA wants its money back.”

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