From The Duffel Blog.
BAGRAM AIR BASE, Afghanistan — Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their planned visit this past weekend, sources confirmed today.
President Donald Trump halted the congressional delegation’s trip seemingly in response to Pelosi suggesting the president cancel or delay his State of the Union address, citing security concerns. The bus filled with congressman was stopped at the way to Joint Base Andrews where military aircraft were prepared to carry the representatives to Afghanistan.
“It’s terrible,” Staff Sgt. Paul Morin said. “They were going to cancel the vehicle inspection so we could all go shake her hand for six seconds, but then we had to clean all the vehicles three times.”
“It’s a shame,” Sgt. 1st Class Mark Klages said. “Morale has gotten get pretty low around here with the holidays being over, the awful weather, the ANA’s incompetence and our confusing strategy, but it would have helped a lot to be talked at by an old lady from San Francisco.” Continue reading
From The Duffel Blog.
BETHESDA, Md. — Convicted traitor Chelsea Manning has announced the start of her campaign to become the US Senate’s first openly-transgender disgrace, sources confirmed this week.
Manning is also hoping to become the youngest female disgrace of a senator.
“There have been many disgraceful senators,” said political analyst Rob Tembley. “In fact, there are many serving right now. Manning, however, would be the first openly transgender one.”
Manning, best known for leaking classified information to Wikileaks, listed a number of reasons on her campaign website showing why she is qualified to be a disgrace.
A self-described “intelligence expert” after serving three years in the Army, she was reprimanded for publicly describing the interior of a SCIF. Her other military achievements include almost being discharged from boot camp, punching her supervisor in the face, flipping a table after minor corrective counseling, and being awarded the National Defense Service Medal.
In her first campaign ad, Chelsea proclaims “We don’t need more, or better leaders,” a sentiment anyone who wants Chelsea Manning in the senate would agree with.
“We need someone willing to fight,” Manning continues, referring to her inability to fight when her supervisor removed the bolt from her rifle after she was found in a cupboard in the fetal position.
Although the 30-year-old traitor with no advanced education is a historically unqualified candidate, supporters claim her emotional problems and mental instability make her a great fit for the current political climate.
When reached for comment, Manning responded with four emojis and a cartoon photo of herself flashing a peace sign.
From The Duffel Blog (which we’re beginning to suspect is all wet).
WASHINGTON — The US government has raised its terror warning status this week after the FBI issued a warning that the terror group ISIS may have access to the chemical dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO), and may be preparing to use it in attacks on US soil.
Sources say the group has used the substance to launch probing attacks on multiple US coastal cities. A recent attack in Louisiana has destroyed thousands of homes, although ISIL has not yet claimed responsibility.
“We’re doing everything we can to dry up their supply of DHMO,” said FBI Director James Comey. “We’ve been inundated by a flood of information in the past twenty-four hours, and we hope some of that will trickle down into actionable intelligence.”
Already, numerous drone strikes have been launched against suspected DHMO storage facilities, but thus far they have “barely made a ripple,” say Central Intelligence Agency sources.
The FBI has warned Americans to avoid drinking from public taps, as they may have been saturated with DHMO by ISIL sleeper cells.
Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter says his anger “is boiling over, as in recent years Congress has siphoned off the resources designed to ebb such a threat.”
“We no longer have a well of funding specifically designed to dam the flow of DHMO streaming out of the Middle East,” said Carter. “And without those resources, they’re using it to really mop the floor with us.”
As to how vast ISIL’s DHMO supply actually is, Carter suspects they have “oceans of it.” According to analysts, he says, they have so much that they are “literally drowning in it.”
“Whether we’re able to get to the bottom of this,” says Carter, “really depends on which way the tide turns.”
WASHINGTON, D.C.[DuffelBlog] — Following the Taliban’s complete takeover of Afghanistan late last night, Pentagon Press Secretary Peter Cook noted in an early morning press briefing that the Pentagon remains “generally positive” about the war effort and that “there is minimal cause for concern.”
“That’s how things go in a protracted counterinsurgency,” Cook told reporters. “You face some minor setbacks regardless of how many troops lose their lives or how many billions of taxpayer dollars are spent equipping local defense forces incapable of defending their own country.”
After the Taliban overran Afghan forces in Helmand earlier this year and took over the city of Kunduz this week, sources say the Obama Administration and many senior defense officials seemed surprised that major media outlets expressed even the slightest bit of interest in a war over a decade old.
At Central Command in Tampa, Fla., Gen. Lloyd Austin — who oversees forces in the region — assured reporters there was little cause for concern.
“We’ve seen this time and time again,” Austin said. “This modest spike in Taliban attacks shows that our strategy is working. These massive coordinated attacks are merely the death throes of an insurgent movement.”
Read the whole satire article at the Duffel Blog.