Tag Archives: Barbed Wire

Joe Biden Admits Past as Shampoo Fragrance Secret Shopper

From The Barbed Wire.

WASHINGTON – He’s having to come clean now that he’s about to run for president in 2020. Creepy Joe Biden has now admitted that repeated photos of him sniffing women’s hair was all just part of the job.

“I was a shampoo fragrance secret shopper for several decades,” Biden admitted in a statement on Friday. “You can understand now why I was getting so close and handsy with all those women. But I couldn’t blow my cover. I’d lose the $100 gift certificate they gave me for each survey I turned in.” Continue reading

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CNN Poll: Oprah 60% Jesus 28% Trump 12% for 2020

From The Barbed Wire.

ATLANTA – CNN sees 2020 as the second coming of Oprah for president. Even Jesus couldn’t beat her. And Trump might as well quit now. That’s the result of the network’s latest poll on possible presidential candidates for the next election cycle.

Oprah

Anchor Jake Tapper said CNN polled 896 random viewers of their network. The margin of error for the poll was +/- 25%. Digging through the data, some insights among those polled were discovered:

Breakdown by political affiliation of those polled – 55% Democrat, 35% Independent, 10% Republican. This is in line with CNN’s usual polling mix.

79% of Democrats had never heard of Jesus.

91% of those voting for Oprah cited her acting, talk show demeanor, and 12 years of experience as a Navy Seal as their top reasons for wanting her to be the next president.

82% of those listing Oprah as their preference said she should be our next president, even if she doesn’t run.

36% of all respondents said miracles performed by Jesus were impressive, but that he had never given away cars like Oprah has.

9% of the Oprah voters thought she was already president.

Tapper reminded viewers that the poll was highly scientific, and had been certified by the Brian Stelter accounting firm.

More from The Barbed Wire:

Most Women Still Insist Size of Nuclear Button Matters

Black Dresses Newest Defense Weapon Against Sexual Assault

Hillary Clinton Celebrates Another Year Not Spent in Prison

 

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Perv Al Franken: The Video Was Funnier, Shows Me Saying Honk, Honk

From The Barbed Wire.

MINNESOTA – Senator Al Franken, busted today for a photo showing him groping Leeann Tweeden in 2006 while she was sleeping on a flight back from the Middle East, says the public would get the joke if they could just see the video of the incident.

“The photo alone makes me look really creepy and perverted,” Franken admitted, “But the video is what everybody needs to see. It’s much funnier. Right after the shot in the photo was taken, I said ‘honk, honk!’ as I squeezed my hands over her breasts. It was priceless!”

Franken

Al thinks America would cut him a break if they could see the incident in proper context. “Look, she had already rebuffed my open mouth kiss during a skit onstage. She owed me…..Al Franken. I don’t even know why people are making such a big deal about this. I’m not a Republican.”

The senator also said that if anyone doubts that he’s a straight-up gentleman, and always treats the ladies right, they should ask his best friend Fred Garvin, male prostitute, about his integrity. “He’ll vouch for me,” Al said.

Fred Garvin…..male prostitute.

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Gitmo Detainees Forced to Listen to Hillary’s “What Happened” Audiobook

From The Barbed Wire.

CUBA – Various torture techniques have become controversial over the years for prisoners incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay’s (Gitmo) famous prison. Waterboarding, electric shock and other methods have been criticized for being inhumane.

As of today, President Trump has authorized what many feel could be the most sinister torture method ever used at the facility. All prisoners, regardless of their crimes, will have to endure listening to Hillary Clinton recite her endless list of excuses for losing the 2016 election from the audiobook version of her latest literary flop, What Happened.

The audiobook version of What Happened clocks in at 16 Hours and 50 minutes, which means that prisoners are subjected to her screeching for all hours of the day, except when sleeping.

“Like a voice from the shadows, she haunts my darkest nightmares.” – an unnamed detainee

Every prisoner has pleaded with guards and prison officials to only make them read the book instead. Hearing Hillary’s voice in your own head as you read What Happened is horrifying enough, but having to actually listen to her drone on for hours on end is unbearable. Prison guards are equipped with ear plugs and headphones to block out Hillary’s voice when the recording is played.
Some Senate Democrats, and even Bernie Sanders, have petitioned the White House to back away from the new torture plan. Minority leader Chuck Schumer said the book was one thing, but that “listening to the audio version is clearly a violation of the cruel and unusual punishment clause.”

Intel reports from the Middle East confirm that when a number of ISIS militants received word of the new torture method, they dropped their weapons and fled the battlefield.

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Democrats demand Trump start paying rent for living in their heads

From The Barbed Wire.

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been living rent-free in the heads of tens of millions of Democrats for well over a year now, and many are finally saying “enough is enough.” They now want reparations.

“As the party of freeloaders, it pains me to say this,” a disturbed Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer said on Saturday, “But if he’s going to live here 24/7, he needs to pay up.” Schumer was unsure when asked what he thought a fair price for head-space rental might be.

Socialist Bernie Sanders admitted, “I usually advocate for everything to be free, but in this case, I think an exception is warranted. I know Mr. Trump has been living in my own head, rent-free, for a long time. And my crazy mind is even paying all his bills! Even cable!”

Hollywood celebrities like Johnny Depp, Chelsea Handler, Cher, and Judd Apatow are complaining about Trump being a squatter in their heads, and not paying a cent for it. It should be noted that living in these heads is like living in a small travel trailer, as there just isn’t much space to begin with.

Many black entertainers like Chris Rock, Samuel Jackson, MSNBC’s Joy Reid, and Whoopi Goldberg also want back-rent, along with interest, for the time Trump has been living rent-free in their heads. But, of course, they want reparations for everything.

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Shakespeare embarrassed by Trump assassination play in park

By E. Williams at The Barbed Wire.

NEW YORK – The ghost of William Shakespeare appeared tonight in Manhattan, briefly, and expressed his disgust and embarrassment at the way progressives have bastardized his play Julius Caesar with their interpretation of it. The left has inserted a President Trump character in the leading role, and are calling it art.

“What are these fools doing to my work?!” an exasperated Shakespeare asked. “The left should not be afraid of Trump. Some are born Trump, some achieve Trumpness, and some have Trumpness thrust upon them. That’s just life.”

“Like I always said, there is nothing either good or bad, but politically correct thinking makes it so. In Macbeth, I wrote, ‘Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.’ Now I realize these ‘play in the park’ progressives are the idiots I was writing about!”

“On this midsummer’s night, I am deeply dismayed by Kathy Griffin’s recent “Off with his head!” moment, and now this. And yes, I did write that all the world’s a stage. But you don’t have to be an asshole on it.”

“Seriously, I can’t believe the city is still allowing this garbage. De Blasio, de Blasio! Wherefore art thou, de Blasio?!”

“If a conservative were to do to a progressive what those actors are doing to Trump, would they not bleed? Would they not have blood coming out of their…..wherever? Me thinks the left doth protest too much. I mean, really, that’s all they do!”

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Trump hopes to send Democrats to Mars by end of first term

From The Barbed Wire.

WASHINGTON – Speaking today to an astronaut on the International Space Station, President Trump announced that he would like to send Democrats and members of the media to Mars by the end of his first term in office. When asked which Democrats he was referring to, the president said, “ALL of them.”

“They call themselves progressives, but nothing is holding this country back more than Democrats,” Trump told the astronaut. “Mars seems like a great place where they can go and live without the existence of constant racism, sexism, gender identity issues, and Islamophobia. Obama can be their king, and Hillary or Michelle can be their queen.

“It may or may not turn out to be utopia for them there, but it sure as hell would make life a lot better for the rest of us here. That, I can tell you. And NASA tells me that, ‘In space, no one can hear you bitch, moan, or blame the Russians.’ I know we could all use a break from that.”

Trump is proposing one-way tickets for journeys to the Red Planet. He also said Mars would provide Democrats with their ultimate safe space – literally, in space.

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Twas No Hope Before Christmas

From The Barbed Wire.

WASHINGTON – First Lady Michelle Obama is feeling hopeless these days. Unless her husband is the president, Michelle believes there is no hope for America. She was proud of this once great nation while it footed the bill for her world travels. But now that her home girl Hillary has been sent packing, suddenly, this is what not having hope feels like (in her oh-so-humble opinion). Michelle recently shared her depressive state with a group of schoolchildren, when she read her very own version of the beloved Christmas poem, ‘Twas No Hope Before Christmas:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when in the White House,
Not a creature was spinning, not even Josh Earnest’s mouth;
The pantsuits were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Hillary soon would live there;
Democrats were nestled, all snug in their beds,
While visions of socialism danced in their heads,

And Barack in his mom jeans, and I with arms firm,
Had just settled down for my husband’s 3rd term;
When across the country there rose such a clatter,
I assumed it involved that Black Lives Matter;
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Kicked out the shutters, threw out Barry’s stash;
The moon illuminated our eight years of woe,
And exposed hope-and-change lies to our subject’s below;

When, what to my vacationing eyes should appear,
But the host of The Apprentice, looking quite cavalier;
I had seen that comb-over, he was tall and was plump,
I knew in a moment, it must be St. Trump;
More rapid than welfare checks, his people they came,
And he hired them, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now Reince, now Ivanka! Now Pencer and Bannon!
On, Mattis, on Sessions! On Kellyanne and Kanye!”
“To the Mexican border! Let’s go build that wall!
Now get to work, get to work, get to work, all!”

As empty promises my husband made that never would fly,
I knew that Obamacare would soon have to die;
The electoral college had spoken, we’d been given the bump,
The free ride was over, thanks a lot, Mr. Trump;
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
My husband’s legacy, gone in a poof!
As I filled with dread, turned my hopeless self around,
Down the chimney St. Trump came with a bound;

He was dressed in a suit, from his head to his feet,
I was expecting a racist, but he was wearing no sheet;
A bunch of red caps he had in a sack,
They said “Make America Great Again,” I felt under attack!
His eyes – how they chilled me, his demeanor how scary,
His skin was so orange, his gaze made we wary;
He was going to erase the last eight years, I swear!
And the ones who elected him were as white as Pence hair;

My school lunch program would be a thing of the past,
Like the food I made them eat, it would end up in the trash;
He would cancel regulations my husband held dear,
I could feel myself being overcome with fear;
We’d worked so hard to bring America down,
Our hope and change would be killed by this clown;
He represented all the hate for the right that I felt,
And I peed my pants when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye, and a look that said, “You’re effed”
Put me on notice, we had just one month left
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his fracking,
Then he turned to me and said, “Shouldn’t you be packing?”
And laying his finger aside of his nose
Giving me a ‘go to hell’ look, up the chimney he rose;
He sprung to his limo, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a Hillary-seeking missile;
Then I said to Barack, as I climbed back in bed,
“Hopeless Christmas to all, and to all…….whatever.”

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Hillary blaming everyone else for Weiner’s “Cocktober Surprise”

From The Barbed Wire.

ON HER PLANE – Thinking she had smooth sailing into the White House next month, Hillary Clinton was blindsided by the dreaded “October surprise” that all politicians fear as an election draws closer. She might have thought she was in the clear, having made it to the final week of the month without any bad news coming to light.

But in steps Anthony Weiner, with his “Cocktober surprise,” and now all hell is breaking loose in the Clinton camp. Hillary thought she had all the bodies buried well and wouldn’t have to worry about one of them rising to the surface – at least not until after the election.

Her assistant, Huma Weiner Abedin, has been busted with having thousands of emails on Anthony’s laptop, some of which might contain incriminating information on Hillary. This isn’t Hillary’s fault, of course.

It’s James Comey’s fault, John Podesta’s fault, Huma’s fault, Weiner’s fault, Donald Trump’s fault. Anybody but hers. Poor Hillary thinks she’s getting the shaft again. Has anybody seen her victim card laying around?

No, Hillary brought this Cocktober surprise on herself and she should suffer the consequences from whatever the FBI finds. Just like they say, “When you lie down with dogs, you’re bound to get fleas.”

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