Cheer up, American millennials!
I mean, seriously, CHEER THE **** UP!
Oh, I know you’ve had a rough week ever since Donald Trump won the election.
But it’s time to get a grip.
STOP taking personal days off work to ‘process’ what happened.
STOP huddling with your equally distraught buddies in Starbucks over your Venti Iced White Chocolate Mocha.
STOP howling away on social media about how unfair life is and how it’s the end of the planet as we know it.
STOP updating the exact number Hillary won the popular vote by, because it doesn’t bloody matter.
STOP marching around screaming your fury at the result when many of you couldn’t even bothered to vote.
STOP retweeting all your favourite celebrities’ own outbursts of pique, rage and anguish.
STOP demanding the Electoral College reverse the decision in December.
In short, STOP being such a faux-tormented bunch of absolutely deluded cretins.
Want to know why Trump is going to be your next president?
It’s because he is what’s called a ‘winner’.
I know it’s not ‘cool’ to be a winner these days.
It’s become an ugly, dirty word in your PC-crazed universe.
Far better, the social media millennial mob cries, to be a gallant loser who tries their best but comes up short — like Bernie, or now Hillary.
To which I say: bulls**t.
If you don’t strive to be the very best at whatever you do, however big or small, then what’s the point in doing it, or frankly even being alive?
Why wallow in self-induced mediocrity?
Yet that is precisely where so many of America’s 80 million millennials enjoy wallowing, and as a result they have become the most pampered, privileged and selfish members of the human race in history.
Where’s my evidence for such a shocking assertion?
Try the National Institutes of Health, which reported that 40% of millennials believe they should be promoted every two years regardless of performance, and are so fame obsessed that three times as many middle school girls now want to grow up to be the PA to a talentless celebrity like Kim Kardashian as want to be a senator.
(Hardly surprising therefore that 77% of millennials can’t even name a senator from their home state…)
Oh, and 80% of millennials say they’ll be richer than their parents, yet more of them live with their parents than with a spouse, still take cash off their parents, and work half as hard.
The tragic truth is that America’s millennials are a bunch of phone-addicted, selfie-obsessed, hashtagging, snapchatting, kale-munching, twerking, lazy, whining, ill-informed, politically correct, cossetted narcissists who find absolutely everything mortally offensive and believe there are 165 ways to sexually identify.
They don’t understand the concept of ‘losing’ because they’ve never had to experience it.
At school, to avoid any ‘low self-esteem issues’, they were all given endless ‘Participation Prizes’.
What possible pleasure can there be in ‘winning’ a prize for just turning up? What incentive is there to compete in anything if you’re going to ‘win’ anyway?
Participation prizes converted a whole new generation into people with no understanding of what genuine competition actually means.This, coupled with the advent of social media technology that allowed them to post relentless ‘filtered’ images of themselves, led to staggeringly self-absorbed figments of their own perfection.
The combined effect of these two things has been to create a deep-rooted sense of entitlement that manifested itself in a breakdown of biblical proportions when Trump triumphed last Wednesday.
Well, welcome to the real world, my delicate little Instagrammed snowflakes.
This is how democracy works…
You all have a chance to vote…
Someone wins, someone loses…
To the winner of a US presidential election goes all the spoils of being the most powerful person on earth…
To the loser, no gold stars for effort.