Category Archives: Funny Stuff
From The Babylon Bee.
Joe Biden’s approval rating is not good. Sad! Not good!
Here are seventeen things with higher approval ratings than Joe Biden:
1. Candy corn -Even these tasteless cones of wax fare better in the polls than Sleepy Joe.
2. Prostate exams -Uncomfortable but at least they don’t last four years.
3. The restrooms at Walmart -Unsanitary but they’ve never tried to sniff our hair.
4. The decision to cancel Firefly – Next time Joe Biden wants to stab us in the back, he should have the guts to do it to our face.
5. DMV employees – Hey, at least they know where they are.
6. Pearl Harbor, the Ben Affleck movie – We don’t know how this one beat Joe but it did.
7. The actual attack on Pearl Harbor – At least it eventually led to the fall of Hitler.
8. Andrew Cuomo’s steamy new romance novel – Yeesh. Biden’s numbers must be awful.
9. The guy in your neighborhood who hands out toothbrushes on Halloween – Everyone has that guy. But hey, he’s not trying to ruin your life.
10. Long John Silver’s – Something’s fishy about this place but at least you can just avoid it.
11. Todd – Good one, Todd!
12. Gas station sushi – Will only make you sick one time and you’ll have a great story to tell.
13. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina candle – We don’t know why she sells these but some people like them, we guess.
14. Alex Rodriguez’s vagina candle – We don’t know why he sells these but some people like them, we guess.
15. Installing a car seat – On a 120-degree day in Phoenix.
16. Wuhan’s world-famous bat soup – The taste isn’t so bad, it’s the consistency.
17. The one true President Donald Trump – USA! USA! USA!
More from The Babylon Bee:
From The Genesius Times.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Hundreds of millions of people were unable to access Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp for more than six hours on Monday after the company temporarily banned itself for violating its own misinformation policy.
“We take fighting misinformation seriously and will ban all entities who violate our policy,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said in a statement. “We got confused about our illogical and contradictory policies that we had to censor ourselves for a few hours until we cleared things up.”
Many Facebook users—including all the world’s sex traffickers—were unable do business for most of the day.
Is this unprecedented?
No, social media platforms consistently contradict their own terms of service, causing them to shut down or censor themselves. Recently, YouTube banned YouTube for showing videos of the CDC contradicting the CDC, which violated YouTube’s rules.
“Basically, they’re all a bunch of idiots wielding an unheard of amount of power and sometimes that catches up to them,” Genesius Time Technology Editor Richard Feynman said.
More from the Genesius Times:
More from The Babylon Bee:
From The Babylon Bee.
The vaccine door-to-door evangelists are coming for you! Luckily, we at The Babylon Bee are extremely anti-social, so we’ve got some great ways to scare off the vaccine missionaries trying to get you to accept Dr. Fauci as your lord and savior.
Try one of these and let us know how it goes!*
1. Answer the door while casually cleaning your AR-15. – “Greetings, agent of the government! What can I do for you today?”
2. Wear a MAGA hat. – Works every time.
3. Sneeze violently and say you’re starting to lose your sense of taste. – “Does this apple taste like anything to you? Everything is starting to taste bland to me…”
4. Smear sacrificial ice cream on your doorposts to appease Biden. – It worked for the Israelites.
5. Show them your fully assembled LEGO Capitol Building set. – A true sign that you’re a deranged terrorist — they’ll run away screaming.
6. Smile and offer to shake their hand. – Nothing scares the pro-SCIENCE crowd like interacting like a normal human being.
7. If all else fails, release the hounds. – Hopefully you’ve had your “Release the Hounds” button installed already.
*The Babylon Bee is not responsible for any death, dismemberment, or imprisonment in a reeducation camp resulting from these techniques.
Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:
From The Babylon Bee.
SAN DIEGO, CA—Upon hearing that San Diego teachers were providing instruction to migrant children but not American citizens, many clever parents began disguising their kids as illegal immigrants in hopes that their kids could finally see the inside of a classroom.
“OK, Aiden, remember — if they ask you what your name is, just say, ‘No hablo ingles,'” said one parent as she dropped her kid off near the Mexican border in Chula Vista. “And don’t pick at your fake mustache; it’ll fall off. Don’t forget your poncho!”
“I packed you a burrito and some quesadillas for lunch! Love you!”
After waving goodbye to the kids, the parents peeled out in their minivans as they experienced their first taste of freedom in over a year– the kids happily being taught by teachers as the moms went out and got mimosas for brunch.
Unfortunately, the kids do have to sleep in cages with foil blankets now, but the parents say it’s a sacrifice well worth making.
From The Barbed Wire.
WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was unable to work Friday after being traumatized from an incident involving a fellow politician. A day before, AOC had accused Senator Ted Cruz of trying to have her murdered during the unrest at the Capitol on Jan. 6.
Whether it’s climate change, economics, or anything Republican-related, AOC is considered the drama queen of all drama queens. She accused Ted Cruz’s words of making her a marked woman, when Cruz did nothing of the sort. Still, she pretends to be on edge.
On Friday morning, as Senator Cruz cruised into the Capitol parking lot in his 2008 Chrysler LeBaron, his car backfired. Cortez and several of her aides screamed and hit the ground. According to witnesses, Cruz was laughing his ass off in his car at the sight.
The shaken congresswoman, unable to work the rest of the day, was only able to tweet after the incident. “Sen. Cruz tried to shoot me with his car today. As much as I would like to work with him on issues we can agree on, I refuse to do so with someone who continues targeting me.”
Cruz responded, saying, “Give me a break. My car backfired. The engine timing is off, maybe a cracked distributor cap, I don’t know. I need to get it checked out, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. Good lord, where does she come up with this stuff?”
At first, Cortez thought she had narrowly escaped sniper fire, like Hillary Clinton imagined she had. But after talking with aides, she determined Cruz had tried to shoot her with his car.
“I don’t know what, like, backfiring is, but I’m going to call a gun store and ask them. If I can save even one drama queen from being the victim of a backfire, it’s worth it.”
When told that backfiring was the by-product of a combustible engine, she first said she didn’t know that cars were a type of gun. Then, she insisted this is another reason to rid our world of fossil-fueled engines. AOC claimed that future engines, powered by flower petals, would never backfire.