Category Archives: Funny Stuff

500-Year-Old Socialist Key to Youth Vote in 2020

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The youth vote is seen as key to a Democratic victory in 2020, but so far most of the announced candidates have not excited young people. That’s changed now that the extremely ancient socialist Bernie Sanders has slowly shuffled into the race.

“Boomers love fresh faces with brand new ideas,” explained political strategist Stacey Hernandez, “but they’re dying off. If you want young people, you need the oldest possible person you can find, spouting even older ideas that already failed repeatedly before any of us were born. That’s what kids love.” Continue reading

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Nation’s Liberals Devastated After Learning Hate Crime Didn’t Actually Happen

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation’s liberals were struck by a devastating blow this week after finding out a hate crime, reported by Empire actor Jussie Smollet, didn’t actually happen.

“I needed this to be true,” said liberal columnist Hanna Spalding. “When I first heard the news of this attack, I was filled with so much hope. I felt so validated. Then that was taken away. Now I just want to cry into my pillow.”

The attack had been called “a modern-day lynching” by democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker but after Chicago police reported that the “trajectory of the investigation” into Smollet’s story had shifted, Smollet was stripped of his victim status. Booker became irate, phoning the Chicago police chief and shouting repeatedly, “Check it again! CHECK IT AGAIN!”
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Democrats Unveil Surefire Plan to Get Trump Reelected In 2020

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a recent press conference, Democrats unveiled an aggressive, surefire plan to ensure Trump gets reelected in 2020.

“Every part of this proposal was designed to make us look absolutely insane, making sure that Trump regains the White House in two years,” said one Democratic lawmaker at the unveiling of the bill. “From far-left radical agenda items to scientifically impossible goals and economic suicide, this plan has it all.”

The bill was specifically designed to turn off everyone in the country except the far left. Architects of the proposal were careful to include crazy ideas like eliminating cars and airplanes, replacing or upgrading every building in the country at taxpayer expense, and handing control of the economy over to the already bloated federal government. Continue reading

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God Agrees to Spare Virginia If Just 10 Democrats Who Never Wore Blackface Can Be Found

From The Babylon Bee.

VIRGINIA—In a statement issued from on high, the Almighty has agreed to spare the state of Virginia from His imminent wrath if state officials can locate just ten Democrats who never wore blackface or a KKK costume at some point in their lives.

God had announced His plan to immediately destroy Virginia, but Democrat leaders quickly begged him to spare the state if they could locate just 50 Democrats who never dressed in blackface. Being unable to do so, they managed to get the Lord to reduce the requirement to 40, then 30, then 20, and finally just 10.

Virginians’ relief, however, quickly turned to panic as Democrat lawmakers announced they couldn’t find a single leftist politician who hadn’t dressed in a horrifically racist costume in their college years. They thought they found one but he was accused of sexual assault and so didn’t count.

The state’s citizens immediately began gathering their things and fleeing for other states, being careful not to look back.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Elizabeth Warren Admits to Wearing Paleface at College Costume Party

Pelosi Reveals Favorite Bible Verse: ‘War Is Peace. Freedom Is Slavery. Ignorance Is Strength.’

Racist Construction Worker Insists New Home Have Walls

Green New Deal Promises Energy-Efficient Gulags in Every Neighborhood

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Saturday chuckles

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Increasingly Secular Nation Replaces Outdated Religious Ideas with End Times Prophecies, Moral Judgments

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The increasingly secular nation has replaced its outdated religious ideas with more advanced, enlightened ideas, like telling you what behavior is immoral and predicting when the world is going to end.

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has just predicted that the world will end in 12 years if you do not give the government more power over your life. Leftists across the country agreed this is a big improvement on outlandish religious claims that the world will end and you will be judged for your sin one day soon.

In addition, Lady Gaga pronounced Mike Pence’s Christianity as lacking morality, a claim immediately praised by the same people who agree that morality is relative and that you can’t judge people based on who they are or what they do. Continue reading

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Troops in Afghanistan heartbroken after Speaker Pelosi’s visit cancelled

From The Duffel Blog.

BAGRAM AIR BASE, Afghanistan — Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their planned visit this past weekend, sources confirmed today.

President Donald Trump halted the congressional delegation’s trip seemingly in response to Pelosi suggesting the president cancel or delay his State of the Union address, citing security concerns. The bus filled with congressman was stopped at the way to Joint Base Andrews where military aircraft were prepared to carry the representatives to Afghanistan.

“It’s terrible,” Staff Sgt. Paul Morin said. “They were going to cancel the vehicle inspection so we could all go shake her hand for six seconds, but then we had to clean all the vehicles three times.”

“It’s a shame,” Sgt. 1st Class Mark Klages said. “Morale has gotten get pretty low around here with the holidays being over, the awful weather, the ANA’s incompetence and our confusing strategy, but it would have helped a lot to be talked at by an old lady from San Francisco.” Continue reading

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Media Astonished to Learn Christian School Teaches Christian Beliefs

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—News media outlets around the country were reportedly astonished to discover a Christian school at which second lady Karen Pence is teaching holds their students and staff to Christian beliefs.

Expert journalists went to great lengths to uncover this story, unveiling the shocking revelation that a Christian woman teaches at a Christian school that affirms Christian doctrine on human sexuality that has been unchanged for 2,000 years.

“It is the current year, and Christian schools still have the nerve to teach Christian things,” said a CNN commentator. “I will now glare at the camera in silence for the remainder of the program so you know just how upset I am by this.” He only lasted 3 minutes, however, before going on a tirade about something Trump said on Twitter.

“We don’t hate Christians,” said a writer for one left-leaning blog. “We just hate Christians who believe Christian things.”

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