Category Archives: Funny Stuff

Fake News You Can Trust

2020_01 07 Bee

CNN has slammed the world’s best satire site, The Babylon Bee, after CNN executives realized that “fake news” articles on the website were getting at least as much social media traction as their own.

There ain’t room in this internet for the both of us,” growled one CNN anchor on the air Monday evening. “There simply aren’t enough people out there for us to fool with our fake news stories and The Babylon Bee to fool with their satire. There isn’t enough clickbait and outrage traffic to go around.”

Reporters at the media outlet also pointed out that their news was “much faker” than The Babylon Bee’s.

They’re obviously amateurs over there at The Bee,” said Brian Stelter. “A lot of times, their reporting comes true. If you’re gonna do fake news, do it right — 100% fake, guaranteed, 24/7. They really should learn from the pros over here at CNN.”

Stay out of our territory,” he growled.

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Media Disappointed to Learn Armed Citizen Stopped Mass Shooting

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation’s media outlets announced they were grieving today as an armed citizen stopped a mass shooting.

“We grieve that this tragedy we could have exploited for weeks on end was stopped by a good guy with a gun,” said one teary-eyed MSNBC reporter on the scene. “Our thoughts and prayers are with the shooter.”

“We are absolutely heartbroken and in shock over here,” said one New York Times journalist. “What could have given us weeks and weeks of frothing-at-the-mouth stories about gun control will now have to be suppressed since it does not align with our agenda.”

News outlets also reminded the nation that they reserve the right to immediately bury mass shooting stories that don’t help push their agenda. Continue reading

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Impeachment bombshell: Col. Mustard testimony puts Trump in the library with candlestick

From The Duffel Blog.

WASHINGTON – The House Intelligence Committee called upon Col. Mustard to testify last Tuesday in the hearings related to President Donald Trump’s impeachment. Mustard, a career Army officer and combat veteran of both the Boer War and the Sudan Campaign, sat in on the now-famous July phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelensky.

“I intercepted the rapscallion’s communique with the chief minister of the former Cossack Hetmanate,” the great white hunter declared, “And by Jove, a saucy kerfuffle transpired.”

Mustard, garbed smartly in khaki officer’s dress and riding pantaloons, boldly narrated the already-released transcripts of the exchange recorded on a giant scroll unfurled by his loyal footman, Willingford. Though he added no new information to the proceedings, the Victorian vigilante did create a spectacle worthy of the Shakespearian drama that has consumed the electoral process. Continue reading

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Multiple Sources Accuse Donald Duck of Walking onto Movie Sets Without Any Pants

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Times have changed in Hollywood since the early days, and no one is learning that lesson harder than industry veteran Donald Duck. Multiple sources have accused him of walking onto movie sets throughout his career without wearing any pants.

Multiple images and videos have emerged supporting these accusations.

“He used to just wander in, yell unintelligibly and get mad at everyone, and then storm off,” said one crew member who worked with Duck in “Donald’s Dilemma.” “And yeah, the whole time he’d be naked from the waist down. I mean, granted, it was a different time, but yeah, looking back, it was really inappropriate.”

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Survey Finds More People Would Support Impeachment If They Knew What Crime Trump Was Supposed to Have Committed

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new study found that support for impeaching President Trump would rise significantly if someone, anyone could just tell people what crime Trump is supposed to have committed.

Republicans and many independents are stubbornly resisting the impeachment inquiry, as though you have to have some kind of reason to impeach the president. Democrats oppose this logic, saying that impeaching a president who insists on being Trump is a constitutional duty. Many Americans are just kind of confused by the whole thing and are waiting for something more interesting to come on TV.

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Panel of Third Graders to Dictate Nation’s Climate Change Policy

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a panel on climate change held yesterday, the Senate brought in a group of excited third graders for ideas on fighting climate change.

“These kids have ideas and they are passionate, so we must listen to them,” said Sen. Brian Schatz of Hawaii. “There are no possible downsides to taking kids who have been told the world is ending by the public school system and allowing them to dictate national policies on important issues.”

The kids came up with the following list so far, though they say they’re “just spitballing” and the ideas need some fleshing out:

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Nation’s Raging Dumpster Fires Ask People to Stop Comparing Them to American Politics

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The raging dumpster fires of the nation held a press conference Monday at which they politely asked people to stop comparing them to American politics.

“We are being unfairly maligned here,” said one garbage dumpster with huge flames bursting from its lid. “We dumpsters don’t try to mess with your lives or anything.”

The dumpster fires then produced a chart showing that while politicians have lots of bad qualities, dumpster fires possess none of these dangerous and deadly characteristics:

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How to win the youth vote

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