Category Archives: Funny Stuff

‘Internet Service Providers Should Not Be Able to Decide What People Can See Online,’ Says Man Who Decides What People Can See Online

From The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Tech titan Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, came out strongly against the repeal of net neutrality Friday, calling the rollback of the Obama-era regulation an “injustice.”

“Internet Service Providers should not be able to decide what people can see online,” the man who decides what two billion people can see online every day said in a Facebook video that was placed in front of the precise amount of people he wished. “It’s a violation of a free and open internet.”

“Furthermore, ISPs should not be able to charge more for certain content,” Zuckerberg intoned, though part of his $523 billion company’s revenue comes from throttling the reach of publishers’ content unless the publisher pays Facebook to show their content to people who signed up to see it anyway.

The boss of the largest social network in the world, which is widely known to smother or close down conservative pages for violating what it calls its community guidelines, stressed that the fight for net neutrality is not over. “We’re ready to work with members of Congress and others to help make the internet free and open for everyone.”

“All content should be treated equally,” he added, the slightest hint of a grin curling up the side of his mouth as the video ended.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Jesus Criticized for Culturally Appropriating Human Nature

GOP Announces Sweeping New Plan to Lose All Senate Seats by 2022

Amy Grant Releases 200th Christmas Album

Half of Congregation Dies of Starvation As Sermon Goes 15 Minutes Over Time

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Christmas Cat Funnies

The plan is to relate my tale of trial in to the belly of the shopping mall beast, but that will have to wait until I return from making my appointed rounds. Meanwhile I thought you might get a kick out of some funny felines in the holiday spirit.

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Sexual Revolution Working Out Great, Reports Nation Full of Perverts

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The aftermath of the sexual revolution is working out just splendidly, reported a nation filled with perverts, pedophiles, and sexual predators Friday afternoon.

The country currently reaping the consequences of decades of declining sexual morals reported it would do it all over again in a heartbeat, further stating that it was “really proud” of the progress it had made over the past fifty years. When asked about the numerous scandals, controversies, and painful repercussions of the sexual revolution coming to light in recent months, nearly every person in the nation confirmed it was “feeling great” about the sexual revolution and its insidious consequences.

“This is fine—totally fine,” one political commentator on NBC filling in for Matt Lauer said. “I think the sexual revolution is working out just great, and I’m proud to live in the US where we’re uninhibited by outdated ideas about human relationships, like monogamy and faithfulness.”

According to the country with dozens of famous celebrities, television pundits, and politicians currently embroiled in sexual scandals, the sexual revolution was a necessary period that allowed the nation to throw off the outdated, restricted shackles of religion and biblical morality.

“I really pity all those backward parts of the world that haven’t had the privilege of experiencing their own sexual revolution,” one politician said as he checked Twitter to see if his own personal indiscretions had been revealed yet. “One day, they’ll be enlightened too.”

Related:

Entirety of Congress to Preemptively Resign over Sexual Improprieties

Unrelated:

Church Solves Tardiness Problem by Volunteering All Latecomers to Children’s Ministry

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Something for All You Lurkers

….and you know who you are. We know you’re here, we see the numbers. It’s OK, your time is precious. Here in the garden we’re a little guppy in an ocean of sharks. We’re grateful you stop by and we try very hard not to waste your time. I tend to think some of you stop by just to see the funny stuff this brain damaged idiot posts. It’s OK, I’m not at all sensitive. I have hundreds of images in my folders and it would be impossible to post more than a small fraction of them. Every once in awhile I just like to make somebody smile, hopefully.

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‘Our Love Life Is None of Your Business,’ Says Couple Forcing Business Owner to Approve Their Love Life

From The Babylon Bee.

LAKEWOOD, CO—According to reports, a same-sex Lakewood couple informed a local business owner their private love life is none of his business, while insisting that he and his company approve and fully accept their love life, sources confirmed Wednesday.

 

The couple, whose relationship may violate the privately held religious beliefs of some Americans, including the business owner, told him to “get out of our bedroom” while they demanded he use his business to openly affirm and celebrate their lifestyle choices.

“How dare he force his extremist views on us?” the couple reportedly asked, while threatening to bring legal action and destroy his livelihood if he would not defy his widely-held religious beliefs in order to provide a service that they could easily receive at dozens of other local, willing companies.

“We have rights. No one can tell us how to live our lives!” the couple told sources, as they used the justice system to force the business owner to violate his own convictions and coerce him to applaud their personal decisions.

“After all, this is America!” they added.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

Nation Fondly Remembers Time Just Two Years Ago When Everyone Said Gay Marriage Wouldn’t Affect Christians

The Babylon Bee’s Top Ten Books of 2017

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New York Times Reports 18 Billion People Will Die from Republican Tax Plan

From The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—New projections worked up by the New York Times in conjunction with liberal think tank Progress At All Costs suggest that the new Republican tax plan will kill up to 18 billion people out of the 7.4 billion people currently living on the planet.

The Times published its findings on Monday, sounding the alarm that the adjusted tax plan will mean certain death for everybody on the planet “and then some.”

“We’ve run the numbers, and the tweaks to the current tax code will definitely kill everyone at least twice,” the Times wrote in its grave prediction. “Even those living outside the U.S. will be slaughtered by a ripple effect generated by the shuffling around of the current tax system, as minor as the adjustments may seem to some.”

“This is the end of humanity,” the Times article concluded ominously.

The detailed report suggested that the government taking slightly less money from the citizens of the U.S. would have detrimental effects, causing everything from volcanic eruptions and destructive tidal waves to a catastrophic, intergalactic invasion from aliens who feed on all organic life.

 

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

 

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Some Funny Vet-erinarians

 

 

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