Category Archives: Funny Stuff

Seven Clever Ways to Scare Off Biden’s Door-to-Door Vaccine Evangelists

From The Babylon Bee.

The vaccine door-to-door evangelists are coming for you! Luckily, we at The Babylon Bee are extremely anti-social, so we’ve got some great ways to scare off the vaccine missionaries trying to get you to accept Dr. Fauci as your lord and savior.

Try one of these and let us know how it goes!*

1. Answer the door while casually cleaning your AR-15. – “Greetings, agent of the government! What can I do for you today?”

2. Wear a MAGA hat. – Works every time.

3. Sneeze violently and say you’re starting to lose your sense of taste. – “Does this apple taste like anything to you? Everything is starting to taste bland to me…”

4. Smear sacrificial ice cream on your doorposts to appease Biden. – It worked for the Israelites.

5. Show them your fully assembled LEGO Capitol Building set. – A true sign that you’re a deranged terrorist — they’ll run away screaming.

6. Smile and offer to shake their hand. – Nothing scares the pro-SCIENCE crowd like interacting like a normal human being.

7. If all else fails, release the hounds. – Hopefully you’ve had your “Release the Hounds” button installed already.

*The Babylon Bee is not responsible for any death, dismemberment, or imprisonment in a reeducation camp resulting from these techniques.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Door-To-Door Vaccine Monitor #1 Career Choice for Kids Who Got Beat Up in High School

Based on LEGO Evidence, FBI Believes Capitol Rioter Was Also Planning Attack on Hogwarts Castle

Teachers Demand Cameras in Homes to Monitor What Parents Are Teaching Children

J.R.R. Tolkien Returns with Army of the Dead to Destroy Everyone Trying to Make ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Woke

ESPN Anchor Fired After Being Caught on Mic Actually Talking About Sports

Updated Death Certificates Require Choosing Between COVID, Climate Change, or Systemic Racism as Cause of Death

Bernie Sanders Submits Bill to Tax the $0.16 Saved on Barbecues

FBI Claims Sauron Had LEGO Model of Minas Tirith in His Bedroom

Sad: This Teacher Wants to Indoctrinate Her Students with CRT but Then She’d Actually Have to Go Back to Work

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Parents Disguising Kids As Illegal Immigrants So They Can Receive In-Person Teaching

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AOC Traumatized After Car Being Driven by Ted Cruz Backfires

traumatized

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was unable to work Friday after being traumatized from an incident involving a fellow politician. A day before, AOC had accused Senator Ted Cruz of trying to have her murdered during the unrest at the Capitol on Jan. 6.

Whether it’s climate change, economics, or anything Republican-related, AOC is considered the drama queen of all drama queens. She accused Ted Cruz’s words of making her a marked woman, when Cruz did nothing of the sort. Still, she pretends to be on edge.

On Friday morning, as Senator Cruz cruised into the Capitol parking lot in his 2008 Chrysler LeBaron, his car backfired. Cortez and several of her aides screamed and hit the ground. According to witnesses, Cruz was laughing his ass off in his car at the sight.

The shaken congresswoman, unable to work the rest of the day, was only able to tweet after the incident. “Sen. Cruz tried to shoot me with his car today. As much as I would like to work with him on issues we can agree on, I refuse to do so with someone who continues targeting me.”

Cruz responded, saying, “Give me a break. My car backfired. The engine timing is off, maybe a cracked distributor cap, I don’t know. I need to get it checked out, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. Good lord, where does she come up with this stuff?”

At first, Cortez thought she had narrowly escaped sniper fire, like Hillary Clinton imagined she had. But after talking with aides, she determined Cruz had tried to shoot her with his car.

“I don’t know what, like, backfiring is, but I’m going to call a gun store and ask them. If I can save even one drama queen from being the victim of a backfire, it’s worth it.”

When told that backfiring was the by-product of a combustible engine, she first said she didn’t know that cars were a type of gun. Then, she insisted this is another reason to rid our world of fossil-fueled engines. AOC claimed that future engines, powered by flower petals, would never backfire.

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A ballad of political unity

From The Babylon Bee.

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Tear-gassed protesters discover face masks don’t work

From The Genesius Times (which is giving The Babylon Bee a run for its money).

PORTLAND—Thousands of tear-gassed protesters from across the country are discovering that their face masks don’t work when they get a face full of anti-antifa spray.

Billy Buttkis of the Portland Antifa chapter thought that face masks work to keep unwanted aerosols from getting into his respiratory system. So, he wore one to the Portland Acceptable Fascism rally and got a can full of tear gas unloaded on him. He has since become a face mask skeptic.

“Science has definitely stated that face masks work (right after science definitively stated that face masks don’t work), so I though, this would be great protection for me at the rally. But then I get sprayed down like a feral dog in heat with pepper spray and tear gas. Let me tell you, face masks ain’t do sh*t,” Buttkis said.

Protests have erupted around the country after unarmed George Floyd was videotaped being killed by a police officer in Minneapolis. Masked Antifa instigators have turned several protests into riots and looting.

Despite this epiphany by tear-gassed protesters, governors and health officials have increased the calls for face masks.

“It is a terrible shame that face masks don’t protect mostly peaceful protesters from tear gas or pepper spray,” California Governor Gavin Newsom said. “But I’ll be damned if I let any new evidence change my mind about forcing people to wear a pointless mask.”

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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It’s a Wonderful Pandemic

2020_04 10 It's a wonderful pandemic

Thanks to Mindful Webworker @ http://mindfulwebworks.com/radical/its-a-wonderful-wipe

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Offendedistas

2020_02 24 Ofeendedistas

Hat tip: Bob

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