Category Archives: Funny Stuff

Musical interlude

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Year two of “fifteen days to slow the spread”

 

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17 Things With a Higher Approval Rating Than Joe Biden

From The Babylon Bee.

Joe Biden’s approval rating is not good. Sad! Not good!

Here are seventeen things with higher approval ratings than Joe Biden:

1. Candy corn -Even these tasteless cones of wax fare better in the polls than Sleepy Joe.

2. Prostate exams -Uncomfortable but at least they don’t last four years.

3. The restrooms at Walmart -Unsanitary but they’ve never tried to sniff our hair.

4. The decision to cancel Firefly Next time Joe Biden wants to stab us in the back, he should have the guts to do it to our face.

5. DMV employees – Hey, at least they know where they are.

6. Pearl Harbor, the Ben Affleck movie – We don’t know how this one beat Joe but it did.

7. The actual attack on Pearl Harbor – At least it eventually led to the fall of Hitler.

8. Andrew Cuomo’s steamy new romance novel – Yeesh. Biden’s numbers must be awful.

9. The guy in your neighborhood who hands out toothbrushes on Halloween – Everyone has that guy. But hey, he’s not trying to ruin your life.

10. Long John Silver’s – Something’s fishy about this place but at least you can just avoid it.

11. Todd – Good one, Todd! 

12. Gas station sushi – Will only make you sick one time and you’ll have a great story to tell.

13. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina candle – We don’t know why she sells these but some people like them, we guess.

14. Alex Rodriguez’s vagina candle – We don’t know why he sells these but some people like them, we guess.

15. Installing a car seat – On a 120-degree day in Phoenix.

16. Wuhan’s world-famous bat soup – The taste isn’t so bad, it’s the consistency.

17. The one true President Donald Trump – USA! USA! USA!

More from The Babylon Bee:

Joe Biden Invites Brandon to the White House to Congratulate Him for His Success    

In Controversial New Netflix Special, Dave Chappelle Just Reads From a Biology Textbook

Ships Arrive from the Orient Laden with Pumpkin Spice

New App ‘LootDash’ Lets You Send Someone to Loot San Francisco Stores for You

‘Working In Fast Food Would Be Humiliating,’ Says Man Living on Government Handouts in Parents’ Basement

Terrorists Released from Guantanamo Bay to Make Room for Parents Who Protested at School Board Meetings

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Facebook temporarily bans itself for violating its own misinformation policy

From The Genesius Times.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Hundreds of millions of people were unable to access Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp for more than six hours on Monday after the company temporarily banned itself for violating its own misinformation policy.

“We take fighting misinformation seriously and will ban all entities who violate our policy,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said in a statement. “We got confused about our illogical and contradictory policies that we had to censor ourselves for a few hours until we cleared things up.”

Many Facebook users—including all the world’s sex traffickers—were unable do business for most of the day.

Is this unprecedented?

No, social media platforms consistently contradict their own terms of service, causing them to shut down or censor themselves. Recently, YouTube banned YouTube for showing videos of the CDC contradicting the CDC, which violated YouTube’s rules.

“Basically, they’re all a bunch of idiots wielding an unheard of amount of power and sometimes that catches up to them,” Genesius Time Technology Editor Richard Feynman said.

More from the Genesius Times:

Biden taps Weinstein to lead ‘Jobs for Jabs’ program citing his experience putting things into people’s bodies for them to get work

Everyone at the Emmys wins award for pretending to care

Fauci cancels Christmas so he won’t have to go back to North Pole to make toys

YouTube bans YouTube for showing videos of the CDC contradicting the CDC

FBI investigates FBI and finds it did nothing wrong in Larry Nassar case

Biden mandates proof of vaccination or proof you’re an illegal alien to keep working

California legalizes needle rape for K-12 schools

AOC: If socialism doesn’t work, why are all my socialist friends in DC multi-millionaires?

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How to scare your kids the COVID way

More from The Babylon Bee:

Governor Newsom Unveils Plan to Get Millions of Californians to Switch to Homeschooling

Heroic FBI Agent Tackles Parent Expressing Concern for Student’s Education

Democrats Put Out ‘Help Wanted’ Ad for Submissive, Obedient Woman to Replace Sinema

Infographic: How to Tell a Prison from a Public School

In Major Disaster for Humanity, Facebook Comes Back Online

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Sunday funnies

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Seven Clever Ways to Scare Off Biden’s Door-to-Door Vaccine Evangelists

From The Babylon Bee.

The vaccine door-to-door evangelists are coming for you! Luckily, we at The Babylon Bee are extremely anti-social, so we’ve got some great ways to scare off the vaccine missionaries trying to get you to accept Dr. Fauci as your lord and savior.

Try one of these and let us know how it goes!*

1. Answer the door while casually cleaning your AR-15. – “Greetings, agent of the government! What can I do for you today?”

2. Wear a MAGA hat. – Works every time.

3. Sneeze violently and say you’re starting to lose your sense of taste. – “Does this apple taste like anything to you? Everything is starting to taste bland to me…”

4. Smear sacrificial ice cream on your doorposts to appease Biden. – It worked for the Israelites.

5. Show them your fully assembled LEGO Capitol Building set. – A true sign that you’re a deranged terrorist — they’ll run away screaming.

6. Smile and offer to shake their hand. – Nothing scares the pro-SCIENCE crowd like interacting like a normal human being.

7. If all else fails, release the hounds. – Hopefully you’ve had your “Release the Hounds” button installed already.

*The Babylon Bee is not responsible for any death, dismemberment, or imprisonment in a reeducation camp resulting from these techniques.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Door-To-Door Vaccine Monitor #1 Career Choice for Kids Who Got Beat Up in High School

Based on LEGO Evidence, FBI Believes Capitol Rioter Was Also Planning Attack on Hogwarts Castle

Teachers Demand Cameras in Homes to Monitor What Parents Are Teaching Children

J.R.R. Tolkien Returns with Army of the Dead to Destroy Everyone Trying to Make ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Woke

ESPN Anchor Fired After Being Caught on Mic Actually Talking About Sports

Updated Death Certificates Require Choosing Between COVID, Climate Change, or Systemic Racism as Cause of Death

Bernie Sanders Submits Bill to Tax the $0.16 Saved on Barbecues

FBI Claims Sauron Had LEGO Model of Minas Tirith in His Bedroom

Sad: This Teacher Wants to Indoctrinate Her Students with CRT but Then She’d Actually Have to Go Back to Work

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Parents Disguising Kids As Illegal Immigrants So They Can Receive In-Person Teaching

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AOC Traumatized After Car Being Driven by Ted Cruz Backfires

traumatized

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was unable to work Friday after being traumatized from an incident involving a fellow politician. A day before, AOC had accused Senator Ted Cruz of trying to have her murdered during the unrest at the Capitol on Jan. 6.

Whether it’s climate change, economics, or anything Republican-related, AOC is considered the drama queen of all drama queens. She accused Ted Cruz’s words of making her a marked woman, when Cruz did nothing of the sort. Still, she pretends to be on edge.

On Friday morning, as Senator Cruz cruised into the Capitol parking lot in his 2008 Chrysler LeBaron, his car backfired. Cortez and several of her aides screamed and hit the ground. According to witnesses, Cruz was laughing his ass off in his car at the sight.

The shaken congresswoman, unable to work the rest of the day, was only able to tweet after the incident. “Sen. Cruz tried to shoot me with his car today. As much as I would like to work with him on issues we can agree on, I refuse to do so with someone who continues targeting me.”

Cruz responded, saying, “Give me a break. My car backfired. The engine timing is off, maybe a cracked distributor cap, I don’t know. I need to get it checked out, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. Good lord, where does she come up with this stuff?”

At first, Cortez thought she had narrowly escaped sniper fire, like Hillary Clinton imagined she had. But after talking with aides, she determined Cruz had tried to shoot her with his car.

“I don’t know what, like, backfiring is, but I’m going to call a gun store and ask them. If I can save even one drama queen from being the victim of a backfire, it’s worth it.”

When told that backfiring was the by-product of a combustible engine, she first said she didn’t know that cars were a type of gun. Then, she insisted this is another reason to rid our world of fossil-fueled engines. AOC claimed that future engines, powered by flower petals, would never backfire.

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A ballad of political unity

From The Babylon Bee.

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