From The Babylon Bee.
From The Genesius Times (which is giving The Babylon Bee a run for its money).
PORTLAND—Thousands of tear-gassed protesters from across the country are discovering that their face masks don’t work when they get a face full of anti-antifa spray.
Billy Buttkis of the Portland Antifa chapter thought that face masks work to keep unwanted aerosols from getting into his respiratory system. So, he wore one to the Portland Acceptable Fascism rally and got a can full of tear gas unloaded on him. He has since become a face mask skeptic.
“Science has definitely stated that face masks work (right after science definitively stated that face masks don’t work), so I though, this would be great protection for me at the rally. But then I get sprayed down like a feral dog in heat with pepper spray and tear gas. Let me tell you, face masks ain’t do sh*t,” Buttkis said.
Protests have erupted around the country after unarmed George Floyd was videotaped being killed by a police officer in Minneapolis. Masked Antifa instigators have turned several protests into riots and looting.
Despite this epiphany by tear-gassed protesters, governors and health officials have increased the calls for face masks.
“It is a terrible shame that face masks don’t protect mostly peaceful protesters from tear gas or pepper spray,” California Governor Gavin Newsom said. “But I’ll be damned if I let any new evidence change my mind about forcing people to wear a pointless mask.”
Thanks to Mindful Webworker @ http://mindfulwebworks.com/radical/its-a-wonderful-wipe
Hat tip: Bob
SATIRE: In a troubling turn of events for the Trump legal team, US Representative Adam Schiff is making a strong case for impeachment with super secret evidence that he says he “hasn’t even made up yet.”
Schiff led the impeachment fight in the House of Representatives with witnesses that didn’t witness anything and other secret evidence that wasn’t presented. Now, he says that he has evidence so damning that he can’t even think of what it could be.
“During this trial,” Schiff said in a press conference, “we will begin to see that there is absolutely no reason for President Trump to be in office still. I mean the evidence that I haven’t made up yet is so bad, it makes me shudder to think about it. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to present it in the Senate it’s so bad.”
Harvard Professor Emeritus Alan Dershowitz, who will argue the unconstitutionality of the charges before the U.S. Senate impeachment trial, said that Schiff needs to release the evidence that he hasn’t made up yet.
“He needs to get on with it. You can’t just leave everyone hanging. If you’re going to make up evidence, let’s get it done,” Dershowitz said.
[SATIRE] In his opening statement at Trump’s impeachment trial, Rep. Adam Schiff reminded the Senate of their solemn duty and the gravity of just what it is they will be discussing at the trial.
Schiff warned that if Trump is not impeached, the American people may have a chance to tamper with the next election.
“If President Trump is not impeached, the American people might get a say in who is president,” Schiff said gravely. “We simply can’t allow that to happen. We must diligently defend our electoral process against electoral outcomes we do not like. If that means seizing power through a sham impeachment trial, so be it.”
“When the Founders wrote that founding document thing, they never imagined there would be electoral outcomes that Democrats did not agree with.”
Democrats also said they even have hard evidence that the 2016 election was compromised by Republicans voting for Trump.
“We know this horrible outcome could happen, because it’s already happened once before.”