Category Archives: Funny Stuff

Survey Finds More People Would Support Impeachment If They Knew What Crime Trump Was Supposed to Have Committed

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new study found that support for impeaching President Trump would rise significantly if someone, anyone could just tell people what crime Trump is supposed to have committed.

Republicans and many independents are stubbornly resisting the impeachment inquiry, as though you have to have some kind of reason to impeach the president. Democrats oppose this logic, saying that impeaching a president who insists on being Trump is a constitutional duty. Many Americans are just kind of confused by the whole thing and are waiting for something more interesting to come on TV.

Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

Panel of Third Graders to Dictate Nation’s Climate Change Policy

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a panel on climate change held yesterday, the Senate brought in a group of excited third graders for ideas on fighting climate change.

“These kids have ideas and they are passionate, so we must listen to them,” said Sen. Brian Schatz of Hawaii. “There are no possible downsides to taking kids who have been told the world is ending by the public school system and allowing them to dictate national policies on important issues.”

The kids came up with the following list so far, though they say they’re “just spitballing” and the ideas need some fleshing out:

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

Nation’s Raging Dumpster Fires Ask People to Stop Comparing Them to American Politics

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The raging dumpster fires of the nation held a press conference Monday at which they politely asked people to stop comparing them to American politics.

“We are being unfairly maligned here,” said one garbage dumpster with huge flames bursting from its lid. “We dumpsters don’t try to mess with your lives or anything.”

The dumpster fires then produced a chart showing that while politicians have lots of bad qualities, dumpster fires possess none of these dangerous and deadly characteristics:

Continue reading

Comments Off on Nation’s Raging Dumpster Fires Ask People to Stop Comparing Them to American Politics

Filed under Funny Stuff

How to win the youth vote

2 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

White Girl Turned Into Pillar of Pumpkin Spice After Looking Back at Starbucks

From The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—Local white girl Chloe Winters was tragically turned into a pillar of pumpkin spice after she looked back longingly at a local Starbucks.

Her boyfriend, Zander Byers, said they should keep moving as the line was long and the pumpkin spice drinks are “actually pretty gross and don’t really taste like either pumpkin or spice.”

But Winters didn’t listen and as the two fled the area, she craned her neck to get one final glance. Instantly, she was transformed into a pillar of pumpkin spice, along with her Uggs, North Face jacket, and yoga pants.

Continue reading

Comments Off on White Girl Turned Into Pillar of Pumpkin Spice After Looking Back at Starbucks

Filed under Funny Stuff

Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

Babylon Bee Does Portland PD

babylon bee

PORTLAND, OR—In a press release earlier this week, Portland police chief Danielle Outlaw (her actual name), appearing somber and exhausted, said she just wishes there were some kind of group with the firepower and authority to fight back against Antifa.

In a candid moment, Outlaw (seriously, her actual name) said there was just nothing the police could do, as they’d need to have some kind of organized, armed force specifically created to protect and serve the people.

“Like, what if we took money from everyone to fund a force that could then defend them in a time of need?” she pondered aloud. “They could have patrol cars, firearms, and attack dogs. Maybe even some tanks. That would be so frickin’ rad. They could have a badge to show their authority. Then, when a rogue group like Antifa shows up to take over our city every weekend, they could be repelled using force if necessary.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but a girl can dream, right?” she added wistfully.

Sadly, there is no such force in Portland, so citizens have been forced to turn to an even crazier idea: taking responsibility for their own safety and well-being, and maybe even buying a gun to protect themselves.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Babylon Bee Does Portland PD

Filed under Funny Stuff

Woke Polar Bear Apologizes for Being White

From The Babylon Bee.

SAN DIEGO, CA—A polar bear at the San Diego Zoo has apologized to black bears, brown bears, and all other mammals of color for his “problematic whiteness.”

The bear “got woke” after a leftist protesting the zoo for keeping animals in captivity bravely leaped into the bear’s exhibit. After eating the protester, the polar bear picked up the book on critical race theory the woman had in her pocket and devoured it, first figuratively, then literally.

“Wow,” he said. “I never realized how problematic my existence was before. I really need to think about this.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Woke Polar Bear Apologizes for Being White

Filed under Funny Stuff

Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

Continue reading

4 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

Hillary Proposes Reparations to Anyone Who Ever Lost a Presidential Election to Trump

From The Babylon Bee.

SWEETWATER, TN—As the Democratic Party ramps up their efforts to take back the White House, leftwing politicians have begun pushing new, progressive initiatives, mostly involving promises of reparations to various minorities. 

Democrats are proposing reparations for African-Americans, gay couples, and African-American gay couples, leaving some party leaders desperate to entice even more minority voters with monetary vote incentives. Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is charting new territory by proposing reparations for a people group that she says has been neglected for far too long.

During a scheduled stop on her speaking tour in the town of Sweetwater, TN, Clinton spoke to a crowd of dozens about the need for reparations to anyone who ever lost a presidential election to Donald Trump. 

Continue reading

Comments Off on Hillary Proposes Reparations to Anyone Who Ever Lost a Presidential Election to Trump

Filed under Funny Stuff