Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

Nation’s Raging Dumpster Fires Ask People to Stop Comparing Them to American Politics

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The raging dumpster fires of the nation held a press conference Monday at which they politely asked people to stop comparing them to American politics.

“We are being unfairly maligned here,” said one garbage dumpster with huge flames bursting from its lid. “We dumpsters don’t try to mess with your lives or anything.”

The dumpster fires then produced a chart showing that while politicians have lots of bad qualities, dumpster fires possess none of these dangerous and deadly characteristics:

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How to win the youth vote

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White Girl Turned Into Pillar of Pumpkin Spice After Looking Back at Starbucks

From The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—Local white girl Chloe Winters was tragically turned into a pillar of pumpkin spice after she looked back longingly at a local Starbucks.

Her boyfriend, Zander Byers, said they should keep moving as the line was long and the pumpkin spice drinks are “actually pretty gross and don’t really taste like either pumpkin or spice.”

But Winters didn’t listen and as the two fled the area, she craned her neck to get one final glance. Instantly, she was transformed into a pillar of pumpkin spice, along with her Uggs, North Face jacket, and yoga pants.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Woke Polar Bear Apologizes for Being White

From The Babylon Bee.

SAN DIEGO, CA—A polar bear at the San Diego Zoo has apologized to black bears, brown bears, and all other mammals of color for his “problematic whiteness.”

The bear “got woke” after a leftist protesting the zoo for keeping animals in captivity bravely leaped into the bear’s exhibit. After eating the protester, the polar bear picked up the book on critical race theory the woman had in her pocket and devoured it, first figuratively, then literally.

“Wow,” he said. “I never realized how problematic my existence was before. I really need to think about this.”

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Hillary Proposes Reparations to Anyone Who Ever Lost a Presidential Election to Trump

From The Babylon Bee.

SWEETWATER, TN—As the Democratic Party ramps up their efforts to take back the White House, leftwing politicians have begun pushing new, progressive initiatives, mostly involving promises of reparations to various minorities. 

Democrats are proposing reparations for African-Americans, gay couples, and African-American gay couples, leaving some party leaders desperate to entice even more minority voters with monetary vote incentives. Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is charting new territory by proposing reparations for a people group that she says has been neglected for far too long.

During a scheduled stop on her speaking tour in the town of Sweetwater, TN, Clinton spoke to a crowd of dozens about the need for reparations to anyone who ever lost a presidential election to Donald Trump. 

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Mother Seeks Emergency Surgery to Remove VBS Songs Lodged in Her Brain

From The Babylon Bee.

ST ALBANS, WV—Local mom Stephanie Orchard was a happy mother of three.

That is, until she took her kids to Riverside Lutheran Church’s vacation Bible school this year.

Now, she has nearly a dozen incredibly catchy, extremely repetitive VBS songs permanently lodged in her brain. Medical experts believe the songs became stuck as her kids sang the songs over and over and she was forced to listen to the CD the church handed out. Finally, she attended the VBS’s exciting finale performance, where all the songs were sung by the kids along with the hand motions, and she was “a goner” after that.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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NBA to Assign ‘Adversity Score’ to Pudgy White Guys Who Want to Play Professional Basketball

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The NBA announced Friday that for the upcoming basketball season, the league will be assigning an “adversity score” to overweight white dudes to help more of them get signed with professional basketball teams.

The score will take into account many environmental and biological factors, like the fact that they’re white guys who can’t jump and get winded while walking up a small flight of stairs. It will also take into account the fact that they don’t know anything about the fundamentals of the game and tend to shout things like “I’m open! Hey, I’m open!” even when they’re clearly not open. Finally, white dudes who scarf down whole bags of Cheetos daily, drink a six-pack of beer every night, and haven’t exercised in years will receive a “considerable boost” from the new weighted point system.

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