Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

Caravan of Unborn Babies Heads Toward Alabama to Apply for Asylum

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—According to sources all across the country, a caravan of unborn babies has formed to head toward Alabama in an attempt to avoid the rest of the country’s barbaric abortion laws.

The unborn humans, mostly residing in the wombs of pro-choice mothers, learned of the new law as their moms watched CNN and listened to NPR. Each of them would then sneak out of their mom’s womb in the middle of the night, slip into a state-of-the-art artificial womb they ordered on Amazon, steal their mother’s car, and make a break for the Alabama border.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Report: All Six Men Attracted to Feminists Deeply Affected by Sex Strike

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—According to a new report performed by the American Public Health Association, all six men who are sexually attracted to feminists are already suffering deeply from the ongoing sex strike for abortion rights.

The six men in the nation who identify as feminist-attracted include Greg, Sebastien, Shiloh, Ansel, Jade, and Ashley. All of them are from Oregon.

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Biden Vows to Return Nation to Era When Press Didn’t Bother Reporting on President’s Scandals

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaking on The View, presidential candidate Joe Biden promised to bring the nation back to an era when the media pretended the president didn’t have any scandals.

Biden pointed out that nowadays there’s a new presidential scandal every day on the news, some real, some invented.

“Back when I was in office, we had plenty of scandals, but it was much nicer, because the media just didn’t report on them,” he said. “It was a lot more pleasant to watch the news. The press just told you everything was fine in the White House.”

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Missed It by That Much: Hillary Clinton Almost Wins ‘Wheel of Fortune’ but Then Shouts ‘Easter Worshiper’ Instead of ‘Christian’

From The Babylon Bee.

Some people think Hillary Clinton is robotic and hard to sympathize with, but even our hearts went out to her on this one.

On a special politicians’ episode of Wheel of Fortune, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton nearly took home the grand prize. She was on the last puzzle of the regular rounds of the game, which read, CHRISTI_N. The audience began to cheer as it appeared Clinton had finally won something.

But, as is usual for Clinton, she snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, and shouted “Easter worshiper!” instead of the obvious answer, which was “Christian.”

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Happy Easter

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by | April 21, 2019 · 9:53 pm

Ocasio-Cortez Appears on ‘The Price Is Right,’ Guesses Everything Is Free

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was pumped to attend a taping of The Price Is Right in Hollywood this week. The special guest introduced herself as a U.S. representative and rising star of the Democratic Party. Things got interesting when the game began and every time it was her turn to estimate the price of an item her answer was “free.” 

Items included a set of Italian leather handbags, an all expenses paid trip to the Bahamas, and a brand new 2019 BMW 330i, at all of which Ocasio-Cortez shouted, “FREE!”

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Scientists Recommend Reducing the Number of Democratic Presidential Candidates to Help Fight Climate Change

From The Babylon Bee.

Scientists have issued a dire warning: the current number of Democratic presidential candidates is simply unsustainable.

“No one ever thought this many people would run for president,” said climate scientist Dr. Raymond Hall, “and the planet just can’t take it. We’re talking each of them eating up resources vying for airtime, printing stickers with trite slogans, and flying from Iowa to New Hampshire. If they were actually all to be in one place for a debate, it would be an ecological disaster.”

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Joe Biden Admits Past as Shampoo Fragrance Secret Shopper

From The Barbed Wire.

WASHINGTON – He’s having to come clean now that he’s about to run for president in 2020. Creepy Joe Biden has now admitted that repeated photos of him sniffing women’s hair was all just part of the job.

“I was a shampoo fragrance secret shopper for several decades,” Biden admitted in a statement on Friday. “You can understand now why I was getting so close and handsy with all those women. But I couldn’t blow my cover. I’d lose the $100 gift certificate they gave me for each survey I turned in.” Continue reading

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