Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

Rich Young Ruler Finds Home at Lakewood Church

From The Babylon Bee.

HOUSTON, TX—A rich young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Wednesday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church.

Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead pastor and famous author Joel Osteen.

“This place just makes me feel so comfortable,” the man told reporters. “I came in and told Pastor Joel I was a good person and had kept all the commandments from my youth, and asked him what I still lacked—and do you know what he said? He told me I didn’t lack anything, that I was great just the way I am.”

The young man further stated that other churches had tried to confront his love of money and challenged him to make Jesus his first priority, and that he had just gone away sad.

“That’s not what Jesus would have done,” he said confidently.

More from The Babylon Bee:

Thousands Miraculously Fed at Church Potluck with Just Five Dinner Rolls, Two Tuna Casseroles

Local Man Declares Self Tax-Exempt as Temple of the Holy Spirit

Progressive Pastor Spends Entire Sermon Apologizing for What Bible Says

Awana Olympian Disqualified After Testing Positive for Mountain Dew

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Friday funnies

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Mass Panic Erupts as Heaven Accidentally Sends Out Rapture Alert

From The Babylon Bee.

WORLD—Mass panic broke out Saturday morning as a Rapture alert was sent out to cell phone networks all across the world, indicating that Jesus’s return was imminent and that any unsaved persons should “get right with God” immediately.

 

The alert was reportedly sent out my mistake by angelic emergency alert personnel, who quickly issued a retraction as soon as the error was discovered. Panicked citizens frantically took shelter in storm drains culverts, sewer manholes, and Baptist churches in the harrowing 38 minutes before the correction was sent out, according to sources from around the world.

“An angel newly assigned to our Rapture alert department simply pushed the wrong button during a routine test,” a solemn Michael the Archangel said in a press conference. “He was supposed to select ‘Test rapture alert’ from a drop-down menu on a computer program, but clicked on ‘Rapture alert’ instead.”

“We apologize for any anguish this may have caused,” he added.

Christians from around the world called and texted their loved ones goodbye after the first, fake alert was sent out, while thousands of excited dispensationalists posted messages online saying things like “So long, suckers!” and “Enjoy the next seven years of tribulation, heathens!”

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CNN Poll: Oprah 60% Jesus 28% Trump 12% for 2020

From The Barbed Wire.

ATLANTA – CNN sees 2020 as the second coming of Oprah for president. Even Jesus couldn’t beat her. And Trump might as well quit now. That’s the result of the network’s latest poll on possible presidential candidates for the next election cycle.

Oprah

Anchor Jake Tapper said CNN polled 896 random viewers of their network. The margin of error for the poll was +/- 25%. Digging through the data, some insights among those polled were discovered:

Breakdown by political affiliation of those polled – 55% Democrat, 35% Independent, 10% Republican. This is in line with CNN’s usual polling mix.

79% of Democrats had never heard of Jesus.

91% of those voting for Oprah cited her acting, talk show demeanor, and 12 years of experience as a Navy Seal as their top reasons for wanting her to be the next president.

82% of those listing Oprah as their preference said she should be our next president, even if she doesn’t run.

36% of all respondents said miracles performed by Jesus were impressive, but that he had never given away cars like Oprah has.

9% of the Oprah voters thought she was already president.

Tapper reminded viewers that the poll was highly scientific, and had been certified by the Brian Stelter accounting firm.

More from The Barbed Wire:

Most Women Still Insist Size of Nuclear Button Matters

Black Dresses Newest Defense Weapon Against Sexual Assault

Hillary Clinton Celebrates Another Year Not Spent in Prison

 

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Mayor Declares Chicago Crime-Free Zone, Criminals Disperse

From The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—Immediately upon Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s recent declaration of the entire city of Chicago as an official “crime-free zone,” every criminal in the city suddenly and miraculously left the urban area, according to a statement released by the city council.

“We declare every part of the city of Chicago a crime-free zone,” Emanuel announced in a Thursday appearance on CBS This Morning. “It is now physically impossible for any crime to be committed in our great city, because we declared it a zone of peace and harmony and criminals have no choice but to abide by our new rule.”

Emanuel claimed he didn’t want to resort to such extreme legislative measures, but as the crime situation in Chicago didn’t seem to be getting any better, his hand was forced.

“I finally decided to use the strongest weapon at our disposal: declaring things illegal,” he said.

Stunned onlookers claim the second the legislation banning any criminals from the city was signed into law, dangerous gangsters, conniving drug dealers, and thieving hooligans fled the city on foot, as though compelled by some kind of strange, alien force.

“Witness the awesome power of declaring things to be banned and watching them instantly disappear into nothingness!” Emanuel said.

At publishing time, Governor Jerry Brown had taken a page from Emanuel’s book, declaring Hollywood a “perversion-free” zone and immediately ending all ongoing sex scandals in the city.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

In Historic Compromise, Border Wall To Be Built Around Hollywood

Man Bravely Abandons Unpopular Christian Belief to Affirm Extremely Popular Cultural Belief

Biblical Age of Accountability Raised to 30 for Millennials

Nation’s Progressives Suddenly in Favor of Electing TV Personalities as President

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Happy Law Enforcement Appreciation Day

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Nation’s Progressives Suddenly in Favor of Electing TV Personalities as President

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Moments after Oprah Winfrey gave a rousing speech at the Golden Globe Awards Sunday night in what some claimed to be the soft launch of her 2020 presidential bid, the nation’s progressives declared they were now in favor of TV personalities running for president. 
Millions of Democrats who denounced Donald Trump for his lack of experience throughout the 2016 race announced they had changed their minds overnight and are now fully supportive of a television star running the country.

“Even though I claimed Trump was ‘an unqualified television celebrity’ all through 2016 and that we needed a real leader with real experience in the White House, I have now changed positions. We need Oprah in 2020!” one woman in California told reporters. “I’m with her!”

At publishing time, millions of Democrats had also reversed positions on ridiculously wealthy celebrities running for the presidency upon discovering Oprah Winfrey is worth over $3 billion.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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