Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

Taking stock

STOCKHOLM

STOCK CAR

RIFLE STOCK

OVERSTOCK

STOCK EXCHANGE

STOCKING CAP

STOCKPILE

LIVESTOCK

WOODSTOCK

SOUP STOCK

BIRKENSTOCK

LAUGHINGSTOCK

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Comic relief

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Musical interlude

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Year two of “fifteen days to slow the spread”

 

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17 Things With a Higher Approval Rating Than Joe Biden

From The Babylon Bee.

Joe Biden’s approval rating is not good. Sad! Not good!

Here are seventeen things with higher approval ratings than Joe Biden:

1. Candy corn -Even these tasteless cones of wax fare better in the polls than Sleepy Joe.

2. Prostate exams -Uncomfortable but at least they don’t last four years.

3. The restrooms at Walmart -Unsanitary but they’ve never tried to sniff our hair.

4. The decision to cancel Firefly Next time Joe Biden wants to stab us in the back, he should have the guts to do it to our face.

5. DMV employees – Hey, at least they know where they are.

6. Pearl Harbor, the Ben Affleck movie – We don’t know how this one beat Joe but it did.

7. The actual attack on Pearl Harbor – At least it eventually led to the fall of Hitler.

8. Andrew Cuomo’s steamy new romance novel – Yeesh. Biden’s numbers must be awful.

9. The guy in your neighborhood who hands out toothbrushes on Halloween – Everyone has that guy. But hey, he’s not trying to ruin your life.

10. Long John Silver’s – Something’s fishy about this place but at least you can just avoid it.

11. Todd – Good one, Todd! 

12. Gas station sushi – Will only make you sick one time and you’ll have a great story to tell.

13. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina candle – We don’t know why she sells these but some people like them, we guess.

14. Alex Rodriguez’s vagina candle – We don’t know why he sells these but some people like them, we guess.

15. Installing a car seat – On a 120-degree day in Phoenix.

16. Wuhan’s world-famous bat soup – The taste isn’t so bad, it’s the consistency.

17. The one true President Donald Trump – USA! USA! USA!

More from The Babylon Bee:

Joe Biden Invites Brandon to the White House to Congratulate Him for His Success    

In Controversial New Netflix Special, Dave Chappelle Just Reads From a Biology Textbook

Ships Arrive from the Orient Laden with Pumpkin Spice

New App ‘LootDash’ Lets You Send Someone to Loot San Francisco Stores for You

‘Working In Fast Food Would Be Humiliating,’ Says Man Living on Government Handouts in Parents’ Basement

Terrorists Released from Guantanamo Bay to Make Room for Parents Who Protested at School Board Meetings

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Facebook temporarily bans itself for violating its own misinformation policy

From The Genesius Times.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Hundreds of millions of people were unable to access Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp for more than six hours on Monday after the company temporarily banned itself for violating its own misinformation policy.

“We take fighting misinformation seriously and will ban all entities who violate our policy,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said in a statement. “We got confused about our illogical and contradictory policies that we had to censor ourselves for a few hours until we cleared things up.”

Many Facebook users—including all the world’s sex traffickers—were unable do business for most of the day.

Is this unprecedented?

No, social media platforms consistently contradict their own terms of service, causing them to shut down or censor themselves. Recently, YouTube banned YouTube for showing videos of the CDC contradicting the CDC, which violated YouTube’s rules.

“Basically, they’re all a bunch of idiots wielding an unheard of amount of power and sometimes that catches up to them,” Genesius Time Technology Editor Richard Feynman said.

More from the Genesius Times:

Biden taps Weinstein to lead ‘Jobs for Jabs’ program citing his experience putting things into people’s bodies for them to get work

Everyone at the Emmys wins award for pretending to care

Fauci cancels Christmas so he won’t have to go back to North Pole to make toys

YouTube bans YouTube for showing videos of the CDC contradicting the CDC

FBI investigates FBI and finds it did nothing wrong in Larry Nassar case

Biden mandates proof of vaccination or proof you’re an illegal alien to keep working

California legalizes needle rape for K-12 schools

AOC: If socialism doesn’t work, why are all my socialist friends in DC multi-millionaires?

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How to scare your kids the COVID way

More from The Babylon Bee:

Governor Newsom Unveils Plan to Get Millions of Californians to Switch to Homeschooling

Heroic FBI Agent Tackles Parent Expressing Concern for Student’s Education

Democrats Put Out ‘Help Wanted’ Ad for Submissive, Obedient Woman to Replace Sinema

Infographic: How to Tell a Prison from a Public School

In Major Disaster for Humanity, Facebook Comes Back Online

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Sunday funnies

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Turkish man reported missing joins search party seeking him

(This story came from ABC News, although no one would blame you for mistaking it for The Onion or the Babylon Bee.)

Media reports say a man in Turkey joined a search party for a missing person not realizing the individual being pursued was him

By The Associated Press

October 1, 2021, 9:35 AM

ANKARA, Turkey — In a scene worthy of a comedy sketch, a Turkish man joined a search party for a missing person not realizing the individual being pursued was him.

Beyhan Mutlu, 51, went drinking with a friend in a forest in the town of Inegol, northwest Turkey, late Tuesday. His wife reported him missing after he did not return home and she heard he had walked away from his friend, drunk.

Gendarmerie and rescue teams were called in to find Mutlu, who had gone to sleep in a house in the forest, Turkish online news site T24 reported Friday.

He came across members of the search party in the morning and decided to help them find the missing person. He realized he was the focus of the search when they began calling his name.

“After a while, they said they were looking for Beyhan Mutlu,” T24 quoted him as saying. “I broke into a cold sweat when I heard my name.”

“I told them I was Beyhan Mutlu, but they continued to search,” Mutlu continued. “They didn’t believe me. The truth came out when my friend Mesut saw me.”

Mutlu said he was part of the search team for more than half an hour.

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How to understand woke jargon

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