Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

RELIGIOUS EXTREMISM: Kavanaugh Caught Serving Food to Homeless

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.

Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?”

“It is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal,” read an opinion piece published on Politico. “We want justices who don’t have an inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you know—justice.” Continue reading

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Tim Tebow Suspended for Using Performance-Enhancing Bible Verses

From The Babylon Bee.

BINGHAMTON, NY—League officials confirmed Thursday that Double-A baseball player and devout Christian Tim Tebow has been suspended for using performance-enhancing Bible verses both on and off the field.

Tebow was spotted injecting the encouraging Bible passages into his morning devotional in the team’s locker room and was reported to appropriate authorities. He is barred from playing in the league until a full investigation of his Bible-reading activities can be conducted.

“The league has a zero-tolerance policy on Bible verses that inspire and encourage a player to do his best and play for the glory of God, and thus bestow an unfair advantage,” league investigator Mack Columbeau said in a press conference. “We will be looking into this matter objectively and completely before rendering a final judgment on Mr. Tebow. If he has violated league policy, he’ll be punished appropriately.” Continue reading

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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As Justice Kennedy Retires, Nation Takes Moment to Thank God Hillary Clinton Not President

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—After Justice Kennedy announced his retirement Wednesday, the nation took a brief moment to thank the Lord that Hillary Clinton lost the 2016 election, and thus would not be able to select his replacement for the Supreme Court.

The nation acknowledged that it didn’t deserve God’s blessings but thanked Him anyway for sparing them a Clinton presidency.

“Father God, we just want to thank You that Hillary Clinton didn’t win the presidency. We know, Lord, that Trump isn’t ideal either, but hoo boy. That was a close one,” one man said in a special emergency prayer and thanksgiving service held at his church in Kentucky. “You truly are wise and sovereign.”
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Liberals Now in Favor of Businesses’ Right to Refuse Service

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—After a restaurant recently asked White House press secretary Sarah Sanders to leave, liberals across the country announced they were suddenly in favor of allowing businesses the right to refuse service, despite their previous insistence that everyone be served, even if a business owner has a conscientious or religious objection in a particular case.

Liberal Americans had a near-instantaneous change of heart on the hotly debated topic of businesses being able to refuse service to people with whom they have serious ideological disagreements after Sanders was turned away from a public establishment. Thousands came forward to voice their newfound belief in the right to associate and renewed interest in defending individuals’ private property rights.


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Immigrant children flayed alive in Trump concentration camps

From The People’s Cube.

Well, not really, but this is a teachable moment for those who are teachable. I got my information from Erick Erickson, a conservative talk show host with a powerful dislike for President Trump. He’s one of the ten or so conservative Never Trumpers left in America.

But about the immigration outrage which Erickson accurately reported…

As usual, we were only given a portion of the story with hyperbole and emotionally provocative images. People responded according to their conditioning and immediately got on the bandwagon without researching the story further. What was reported resonated with predetermined biases, and that was enough. To be fair, I’ve seen the exact same reflex with some of my conservative friends during the time of Obama’s presidency.

So, what happened? It is the policy to temporarily separate children from their parents to ensure the children are actually with their parents and not with sex slave traffickers. Once it can be established that the children belong to the parents, they are reunited. Most people who deal with child abuse cases know the importance of interviewing children by themselves.
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Apple, Facebook, Google issue joint statement condemning NSA data mining

From The Duffel Blog.

SAN FRANCISCO — Silicon Valley technology giants Apple, Facebook and Google, in a rare joint statement, condemned the National Security Agency and other government organizations for mining internet users’ private data on Thursday.

The media titans called the agency “un-American” and vowed not to cooperate with federal agencies and authorities unless directed by a lawful court order or warrant.

“We are appalled that the federal government would spy on its own citizens, who have not been accused of any crime or infraction,” said Alexandra Forrest, a Google spokeswoman.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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House Democrats Draft Legislation That Would Make It a Hate Crime to Eat at Chick-Fil-A

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Under intense pressure from their left-leaning constituents to do something about the dangerous, Christian-founded restaurant chain, Democrats in the House of Representatives unveiled legislation Tuesday that would make it a hate crime to eat at Chick-fil-A.

The CFAHATE Act Of 2018 would make it a hate crime punishable by federal law to dine at the restaurant or use its drive-thru, with extra punishments for people who post that they’re eating at the restaurant on their social media accounts. The legislation would also impose heftier penalties for anyone who patronizes the extremist hate group’s chicken sandwich establishments during Pride Month.

“We want people making fast-food dining choices to think carefully about a restaurant’s background,” House Minority Leader and bill co-sponsor Nancy Pelosi said in a video posted to her official YouTube account. “If a restaurant’s leadership is associated with Christian values in any way, frequenting their locations amounts to literal violence against minorities, women, and the LGBTQ+ community.” Continue reading

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Obama Calls Trump to Personally Thank Him for Taking Blame for Photos of Immigrant Children

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former president Barack Obama called the White House today to personally thank Donald Trump for taking the blame for a recently circulated set of photos of immigrant children detained at the border that actually depicted the consequences of immigration policies in place during Obama’s tenure.

Obama was concerned that people on Twitter, Facebook, and other social media platforms might make the connection that many of the photos, facts, and figures people were upset about were from the years when he was president.

“I was really nervous the lid was gonna blow off that whole thing,” Obama admitted. When Obama realized that he was in the clear, and that Trump would be receiving the full brunt of the online outrage and blame for policies that had gone completely ignored during his own presidency, the former leader of the free world decided some thanks were in order. Continue reading

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