Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

Nazi or Antifa? How to tell them apart

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God Checks Twitter, Immediately Bumps Up Date for Apocalypse

From The Babylon Bee.

HEAVEN—The Lord of all creation has reportedly bumped up the scheduled date for the consummation of all things after briefly checking Twitter Monday morning and verifying that things are much worse off than they were a year, a month, or even a week ago.

The timeframe to kick off the end times has been set in stone from eternity past, but the Almighty agreed to push it forward “just a little bit” after staring into the abyss of Twitter this morning.

“It was immediately apparent that things needed to be pushed up,” said one heavenly representative. “Both sides of every single ongoing discussion on Twitter were just flaming, trolling, and talking past one another. It was a total cesspool.” Continue reading

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Why do tech elites keep their own kids away from smartphones?

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Vive la différence

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Twitter CEO Apologizes for Allowing Conservatives on Platform in First Place

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In response to criticism of the alleged shadow ban of certain right-leaning accounts on the platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey apologized Friday for allowing conservatives on the platform in the first place.

The visibly distraught CEO openly wept as he expressed his great remorse for ever having allowed conservatives to open accounts and let their worldview “just hang out there for the whole world to see.”

“Twitter has always been a welcoming, accepting place, so there’s obviously no room for anyone even slightly right of center,” Dorsey said. “I see that now. I’ve learned and grown from my experiences, and I hope the far-left mobs can find it in their hearts to forgive me rather than demanding I be fired on the spot.” Continue reading

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New evidence indicates you were right all along

By Scott Ott.

Despite a blizzard of naysayers, recently uncovered evidence proves that you were right from the beginning, and that no further argument is necessary.

The proof that you’ve been correct, despite the fact that no one would listen to you, emerged from countless hours of research — watching videos, listening to podcasts, and reading essays by people whose agreement with you established your point conclusively.

Trusted experts say the emerging information merely affirms what they’ve known intuitively for years, and should silence the skeptics, end partisan division, and turn the tide for the country.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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RELIGIOUS EXTREMISM: Kavanaugh Caught Serving Food to Homeless

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.

Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?”

“It is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal,” read an opinion piece published on Politico. “We want justices who don’t have an inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you know—justice.” Continue reading

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Tim Tebow Suspended for Using Performance-Enhancing Bible Verses

From The Babylon Bee.

BINGHAMTON, NY—League officials confirmed Thursday that Double-A baseball player and devout Christian Tim Tebow has been suspended for using performance-enhancing Bible verses both on and off the field.

Tebow was spotted injecting the encouraging Bible passages into his morning devotional in the team’s locker room and was reported to appropriate authorities. He is barred from playing in the league until a full investigation of his Bible-reading activities can be conducted.

“The league has a zero-tolerance policy on Bible verses that inspire and encourage a player to do his best and play for the glory of God, and thus bestow an unfair advantage,” league investigator Mack Columbeau said in a press conference. “We will be looking into this matter objectively and completely before rendering a final judgment on Mr. Tebow. If he has violated league policy, he’ll be punished appropriately.” Continue reading

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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