Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

Op-Ed: The Key to Stopping Mass Shootings Is to Pass Sensible Legislation Against Thoughts and Prayers

From The Babylon Bee.

I’ve noticed something. With every mass shooting, there are thoughts and prayers. That’s a correlation — a science word that means “one caused the other.”

Now, I’m a big believer in science. Science tells us about climate change and asteroids. I always listen to science — except economics which isn’t a real science and is very mean. So if science tells me that thoughts and prayers cause mass shootings, then I’m going to act. I’m going to tweet, “Hey, stop it with those thoughts and prayers.” And I’m going to do some more tweets. And then maybe write a bill — or an FAQ summarizing what I want the bill to be since that’s easier. Continue reading

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Army to Name New Attack Helicopter after Elizabeth Warren

From The Duffel Blog.

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — The U.S. Army will honor Elizabeth Warren and her Native American ancestry with the latest addition to its helicopter fleet, the AH-68 Warren, sources confirmed today.

The Warren will join the Black Hawk, Kiowa, Apache, and Lakota in the Army’s impressive legacy of combat aircraft named after Native American tribes.

The Warren conquered its two chief competitors, the AH-67 Redskin and V-23 Columbus, to win the Army contract. Continue reading

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Southern Baptist Pastor Resigns in Disgrace After Admitting He Does Not Like Casseroles

From The Babylon Bee.

WEST HATTIESBURG, MS—Local Southern Baptist pastor Pete Harrison resigned in disgrace earlier this week after admitting that he doesn’t like eating casseroles.

The scandal unfolded after a church congregant unearthed comments made by Harrison in a recorded sermon over 10 years ago, in which Harrison said he preferred “something healthy like a nice garden salad” to “fatty, unhealthy casseroles.”

Dozens of angered church members stormed Harrison’s home with pitchforks and torches hastily assembled out of the church’s unused front pew, demanding answers. The pastor emerged, frightened and sheepish, and made a statement. Continue reading

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Ilhan Omar Withdraws Support From Bill to Save the Earth After Learning That’s Where Israel Is

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal hit a snag when it lost the support of another freshman representative, Ilhan Omar. Omar had been an enthusiastic supporter of the Green New Deal and wanted to save the earth, but then she noticed something very disturbing when looking at a map of the earth: Earth is the planet on which Israel resides.

“You’ve been hypnotized by the Jews!” Omar accused a surprised Ocasio-Cortez. Omar then ripped up a copy of the Green New Deal. “This is just a plot to help Israel keep existing! Did AIPAC pay you off?”

Ocasio-Cortez was very apologetic, saying she hadn’t considered how her plan would affect Israel. She then vowed to change her plan so it might save the whole planet except where Israel resides. Continue reading

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief As Ocasio-Cortez Comes Out Against Having Children

From The Babylon Bee.

The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief Monday while watching footage in which Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez appeared to come out against the concept of reproducing.

Stating they realized that we really dodged a bullet this time, citizens all over the country expressed their sudden sense of comfort and serenity at the fact that Ocasio-Cortez would probably never have children. Fear and trepidation had swept the nation upon the realization that Ocasio-Cortez likely possessed the capability to reproduce actual human children, whom she would then ingrain with her values and politics for their entire childhoods before they would go on to have political careers of their own. Continue reading

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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500-Year-Old Socialist Key to Youth Vote in 2020

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The youth vote is seen as key to a Democratic victory in 2020, but so far most of the announced candidates have not excited young people. That’s changed now that the extremely ancient socialist Bernie Sanders has slowly shuffled into the race.

“Boomers love fresh faces with brand new ideas,” explained political strategist Stacey Hernandez, “but they’re dying off. If you want young people, you need the oldest possible person you can find, spouting even older ideas that already failed repeatedly before any of us were born. That’s what kids love.” Continue reading

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Nation’s Liberals Devastated After Learning Hate Crime Didn’t Actually Happen

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation’s liberals were struck by a devastating blow this week after finding out a hate crime, reported by Empire actor Jussie Smollet, didn’t actually happen.

“I needed this to be true,” said liberal columnist Hanna Spalding. “When I first heard the news of this attack, I was filled with so much hope. I felt so validated. Then that was taken away. Now I just want to cry into my pillow.”

The attack had been called “a modern-day lynching” by democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker but after Chicago police reported that the “trajectory of the investigation” into Smollet’s story had shifted, Smollet was stripped of his victim status. Booker became irate, phoning the Chicago police chief and shouting repeatedly, “Check it again! CHECK IT AGAIN!”
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