Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

CDC says you can now peek your head out from your self-imposed prison once a day

From The Genesius Times.

NEW YORK (AP) — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said Tuesday that you can finally peak your head out from your self-imposed prison now, but just once a day.

The new guidance represents another carefully calibrated step on the road back to normal from the coronavirus outbreak that has killed over 570,000 Americans who died from other stuff.

For most of the past year, the CDC had been advising Americans to stay inside and be very afraid of a disease that had a 99% recovery rate.

“Today, I hope, is a day when we can take another step back to the normalcy of before,” CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky said. “Over the past year, we have spent a lot of time telling Americans what you can’t do. Today, I am going to tell you some of the things you can do including peaking out your door once a day.”

The change comes as more than half of U.S. adults have gotten at least one dose of vaccine, and more than a third have been fully vaccinated and everyone’s feeling great.

Walensky said the decision was driven by the fact that everything the CDC has recommended has been contradicted by science shortly after.

Dr. Obi Wan, an infectious disease expert at the University of Mos Eisley, welcomed the change in guidance.

“I’m really glad we can finally peak our heads out of our self-imposed prisons,” Wan said. “Since our overlords have said it’s okay to peak our heads outside once a day, it must mean it’s okay.”

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Parents Disguising Kids As Illegal Immigrants So They Can Receive In-Person Teaching

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AOC Traumatized After Car Being Driven by Ted Cruz Backfires

traumatized

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was unable to work Friday after being traumatized from an incident involving a fellow politician. A day before, AOC had accused Senator Ted Cruz of trying to have her murdered during the unrest at the Capitol on Jan. 6.

Whether it’s climate change, economics, or anything Republican-related, AOC is considered the drama queen of all drama queens. She accused Ted Cruz’s words of making her a marked woman, when Cruz did nothing of the sort. Still, she pretends to be on edge.

On Friday morning, as Senator Cruz cruised into the Capitol parking lot in his 2008 Chrysler LeBaron, his car backfired. Cortez and several of her aides screamed and hit the ground. According to witnesses, Cruz was laughing his ass off in his car at the sight.

The shaken congresswoman, unable to work the rest of the day, was only able to tweet after the incident. “Sen. Cruz tried to shoot me with his car today. As much as I would like to work with him on issues we can agree on, I refuse to do so with someone who continues targeting me.”

Cruz responded, saying, “Give me a break. My car backfired. The engine timing is off, maybe a cracked distributor cap, I don’t know. I need to get it checked out, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. Good lord, where does she come up with this stuff?”

At first, Cortez thought she had narrowly escaped sniper fire, like Hillary Clinton imagined she had. But after talking with aides, she determined Cruz had tried to shoot her with his car.

“I don’t know what, like, backfiring is, but I’m going to call a gun store and ask them. If I can save even one drama queen from being the victim of a backfire, it’s worth it.”

When told that backfiring was the by-product of a combustible engine, she first said she didn’t know that cars were a type of gun. Then, she insisted this is another reason to rid our world of fossil-fueled engines. AOC claimed that future engines, powered by flower petals, would never backfire.

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A ballad of political unity

From The Babylon Bee.

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Tear-gassed protesters discover face masks don’t work

From The Genesius Times (which is giving The Babylon Bee a run for its money).

PORTLAND—Thousands of tear-gassed protesters from across the country are discovering that their face masks don’t work when they get a face full of anti-antifa spray.

Billy Buttkis of the Portland Antifa chapter thought that face masks work to keep unwanted aerosols from getting into his respiratory system. So, he wore one to the Portland Acceptable Fascism rally and got a can full of tear gas unloaded on him. He has since become a face mask skeptic.

“Science has definitely stated that face masks work (right after science definitively stated that face masks don’t work), so I though, this would be great protection for me at the rally. But then I get sprayed down like a feral dog in heat with pepper spray and tear gas. Let me tell you, face masks ain’t do sh*t,” Buttkis said.

Protests have erupted around the country after unarmed George Floyd was videotaped being killed by a police officer in Minneapolis. Masked Antifa instigators have turned several protests into riots and looting.

Despite this epiphany by tear-gassed protesters, governors and health officials have increased the calls for face masks.

“It is a terrible shame that face masks don’t protect mostly peaceful protesters from tear gas or pepper spray,” California Governor Gavin Newsom said. “But I’ll be damned if I let any new evidence change my mind about forcing people to wear a pointless mask.”

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Musical interlude

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.

Each little flower that opens,
Each little bird that sings,
He made their glowing colours,
He made their tiny wings.

The purple headed mountain,
The river running by,
The sunset and the morning,
That brightens up the sky;

The cold wind in the winter,
The pleasant summer sun,
The ripe fruits in the garden,
He made them every one.

He gave us eyes to see them,
And lips that we might tell,
How great is God Almighty,
Who has made all things well.

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Happy Passover

Students at Technion-Israel Institute of Technology come up with a new way to tell a very old story.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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