Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Hillary Proposes Reparations to Anyone Who Ever Lost a Presidential Election to Trump

From The Babylon Bee.

SWEETWATER, TN—As the Democratic Party ramps up their efforts to take back the White House, leftwing politicians have begun pushing new, progressive initiatives, mostly involving promises of reparations to various minorities. 

Democrats are proposing reparations for African-Americans, gay couples, and African-American gay couples, leaving some party leaders desperate to entice even more minority voters with monetary vote incentives. Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is charting new territory by proposing reparations for a people group that she says has been neglected for far too long.

During a scheduled stop on her speaking tour in the town of Sweetwater, TN, Clinton spoke to a crowd of dozens about the need for reparations to anyone who ever lost a presidential election to Donald Trump. 

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Mother Seeks Emergency Surgery to Remove VBS Songs Lodged in Her Brain

From The Babylon Bee.

ST ALBANS, WV—Local mom Stephanie Orchard was a happy mother of three.

That is, until she took her kids to Riverside Lutheran Church’s vacation Bible school this year.

Now, she has nearly a dozen incredibly catchy, extremely repetitive VBS songs permanently lodged in her brain. Medical experts believe the songs became stuck as her kids sang the songs over and over and she was forced to listen to the CD the church handed out. Finally, she attended the VBS’s exciting finale performance, where all the songs were sung by the kids along with the hand motions, and she was “a goner” after that.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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NBA to Assign ‘Adversity Score’ to Pudgy White Guys Who Want to Play Professional Basketball

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The NBA announced Friday that for the upcoming basketball season, the league will be assigning an “adversity score” to overweight white dudes to help more of them get signed with professional basketball teams.

The score will take into account many environmental and biological factors, like the fact that they’re white guys who can’t jump and get winded while walking up a small flight of stairs. It will also take into account the fact that they don’t know anything about the fundamentals of the game and tend to shout things like “I’m open! Hey, I’m open!” even when they’re clearly not open. Finally, white dudes who scarf down whole bags of Cheetos daily, drink a six-pack of beer every night, and haven’t exercised in years will receive a “considerable boost” from the new weighted point system.

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Caravan of Unborn Babies Heads Toward Alabama to Apply for Asylum

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—According to sources all across the country, a caravan of unborn babies has formed to head toward Alabama in an attempt to avoid the rest of the country’s barbaric abortion laws.

The unborn humans, mostly residing in the wombs of pro-choice mothers, learned of the new law as their moms watched CNN and listened to NPR. Each of them would then sneak out of their mom’s womb in the middle of the night, slip into a state-of-the-art artificial womb they ordered on Amazon, steal their mother’s car, and make a break for the Alabama border.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Report: All Six Men Attracted to Feminists Deeply Affected by Sex Strike

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—According to a new report performed by the American Public Health Association, all six men who are sexually attracted to feminists are already suffering deeply from the ongoing sex strike for abortion rights.

The six men in the nation who identify as feminist-attracted include Greg, Sebastien, Shiloh, Ansel, Jade, and Ashley. All of them are from Oregon.

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Biden Vows to Return Nation to Era When Press Didn’t Bother Reporting on President’s Scandals

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaking on The View, presidential candidate Joe Biden promised to bring the nation back to an era when the media pretended the president didn’t have any scandals.

Biden pointed out that nowadays there’s a new presidential scandal every day on the news, some real, some invented.

“Back when I was in office, we had plenty of scandals, but it was much nicer, because the media just didn’t report on them,” he said. “It was a lot more pleasant to watch the news. The press just told you everything was fine in the White House.”

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