In order to prevent even a single future case of police malfeasance, liberals are now demanding to “defund the police” (which essentially means cutting training budgets, which won’t give us better cops) or getting rid of the police entirely and replacing them with (wait for it!) unarmed Rapid Response Social Workers.
We’re not exactly sure how this would work. Would a social worker visit a crime in progress and attempt to disarm the perp with a forceful show of empathy? Or ask a rapist to stop pumping for a moment to consider what his victim’s feelings must be? Or perhaps thwart a bank robbery by pointing out to the bandits that, in the end, money can’t really buy happiness?
If attempted, we predict that this bold new initiative could be very effective in causing an uptick of rapes, murders, and robberies of social workers. Not to mention getting their “rapid response” electric cars stolen.
Realistically, all these social workers could really do is show up at crime scenes after the fact, and help the victims and survivors (if any) process the experience in emotionally healthy ways that don’t in any way denigrate those who have been forced into crime by unfortunate circumstances and societal injustice.
Still, we want to be fair about giving this new system a chance. So we suggest that the first team of rapid response social workers be deployed to Chicago to clean up that pesky “inner city black genocide” thing. Because in those mean streets, there are clearly a lot of killers who desperately need a hug.