Daily Archives: May 25, 2020

The Biden Bee

To Save Time, The Babylon Bee Will Now Just Republish Everything Biden Says Verbatim

2020_05 25 Biden forgot

The Bible tells us to work smarter, not harder. Or, better yet, don’t work at all if you can help it. You can look it up. It’s in the Proverbs somewhere.

That’s why we’re announcing today that we will simply be republishing everything Joe Biden says word for word rather than spending a lot of time and effort writing satire.

We at The Babylon Bee realized we were spending all this time trying to satirize Joe Biden when, frankly, he just can’t be satirized. He’s doing all the hard work for us with statements like “You ain’t black!” and, of gun violence, that “150 million people have been killed since 2007.”

Every day is a real grind when we arrive at the sprawling Babylon Bee headquarters, settle in on our throne of Chick-fil-A sandwiches, and boot up the ol’ PC to check what Biden said over the past 24 hours. We’re tired of trying to out-parody things like “I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun and the kids used to reach in the pool and rub my leg down and watch the hair come back up again” and “Corn Pop was a bad dude.”

Like, what do you do with that? Seriously. Go ahead. Try to satirize it. Anything you do just doesn’t have that perfect mix of absurdity and reality that makes satire work so effective at communicating truth. So we’re throwing in the towel.

We’d also like to take this opportunity to thank Joe Biden for being such a great satirical performance artist. You’re the real hero, Joe. The people really need comedy in a time like this, and you’re doing a great job. Keep it up!

Finally, laugh at these hilarious Babylon Bee headlines from our new best satirist, Joe Biden:

  • Biden: ‘Poor Kids Are Just As Bright As White Kids’
  • Joe Biden Says All Men And Women Are Created By You Know The Thing
  • Presidential Candidate Nibbles On His Wife’s Fingers
  • Joe Biden: ‘I’m Going To Beat Joe Biden’
  • ‘Go to Joe 30330’ Says Joe
  • Biden Tells Campaign Rally ‘We Choose Truth Over Facts’
  • Joe Biden Calls Iowa Man ‘Fat’ And A ‘[FLOWERBED] Liar’

You can look forward to lots more content coming from your new favorite Babylon Bee writer any moment now.

CtH: I don’t get that last one. Joe said, “You’re a damn liar.” What’s damn got to do with flowerbed?

Also, earlier in the argument, he calls the guy “Jack” so I’m thinking he said “Jack”, not “fat.” However, he did challenge the guy to a fitness match and said, “You’re too old to vote for me.” So there was plenty of inappropriate age and body shape shaming coming out of his mouth.

Comments Off on The Biden Bee

Filed under Loose Pollen


2020_05 25 fallen

A place of honor for those not here:

•Single setting: symbolizing the vulnerability of a lone prisoner against his captors.
•A white tablecloth: symbolizing purity of intention in responding to the nation’s call to arms.
•An empty seat for they are not here.
•An inverted wine glass: they cannot toast with us today.
•A slice of lemon: reminding us of their bitter suffering.
•Grains of salt: representing the countless tears of the families.
•A single red rose: reminding us of loved ones who keep the faith awaiting their return.
•The burning candle and yellow ribbon — symbolizing everlasting hope of a reunion with the missing.

Until the day they return home or find eternal peace, we will remember.

Comments Off on Until

Filed under Loose Pollen

Bits & Bytes

2020_05 25 Flanders Field photo

MEMORIAL DAY: Army Princess says, “We have a tradition. Each year, we visit the cemetery near our home and put flowers on the graves of veterans buried there and we say a family prayer for the souls of all our departed service members. Cemetery is pretty cool – there are veterans in there from Texas revolution, Civil War, WWI and II, Korea and Vietnam.”

JUDGE JEANINE: [7:41] – Remembering the fallen and detailing it’s past time to re-open.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Bits & Bytes

Filed under Loose Pollen