Babylon Bee Does Portland PD

babylon bee

PORTLAND, OR—In a press release earlier this week, Portland police chief Danielle Outlaw (her actual name), appearing somber and exhausted, said she just wishes there were some kind of group with the firepower and authority to fight back against Antifa.

In a candid moment, Outlaw (seriously, her actual name) said there was just nothing the police could do, as they’d need to have some kind of organized, armed force specifically created to protect and serve the people.

“Like, what if we took money from everyone to fund a force that could then defend them in a time of need?” she pondered aloud. “They could have patrol cars, firearms, and attack dogs. Maybe even some tanks. That would be so frickin’ rad. They could have a badge to show their authority. Then, when a rogue group like Antifa shows up to take over our city every weekend, they could be repelled using force if necessary.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but a girl can dream, right?” she added wistfully.

Sadly, there is no such force in Portland, so citizens have been forced to turn to an even crazier idea: taking responsibility for their own safety and well-being, and maybe even buying a gun to protect themselves.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee: 

Bernie Sanders Arrives in Hong Kong to Lecture Protesters on How Good They Have It Under Communism

Concerning Survey Finds Too Many People Believe Snopes Is a Legitimate Fact-Checking Website

Prodigal Son Kicked Back Out After Old Tweets Surface

Lioness Who Killed, Ate Own Cubs Hired as Planned Parenthood Mascot

Six-Year-Old Saying ‘Why Don’t We Just Give Everything Away for Free?’ Surges to Top of Democratic Polls

Bill Clinton: Epstein’s Cause of Death Depends on What Your Definition of ‘Suicide’ Is

Green New Deal to Replace All Cars with Guy Running Behind You Banging Two Empty Coconut Halves Together

Wise Father Suggests Cutting iPad in Half to Settle Kids’ Dispute

Snopes Strikes Deal with Netflix to Provide On-Screen Fact Checks of Fictional Shows, Movies

Women Who Don’t Believe Israel Has Right to Exist Not Sure Why They Got Banned from Israel

Study Confirms You Are Most Oppressed Person on Planet

Man’s Attempt at Appearing Professional Ruined by Man Bun

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