NBA to Assign ‘Adversity Score’ to Pudgy White Guys Who Want to Play Professional Basketball

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The NBA announced Friday that for the upcoming basketball season, the league will be assigning an “adversity score” to overweight white dudes to help more of them get signed with professional basketball teams.

The score will take into account many environmental and biological factors, like the fact that they’re white guys who can’t jump and get winded while walking up a small flight of stairs. It will also take into account the fact that they don’t know anything about the fundamentals of the game and tend to shout things like “I’m open! Hey, I’m open!” even when they’re clearly not open. Finally, white dudes who scarf down whole bags of Cheetos daily, drink a six-pack of beer every night, and haven’t exercised in years will receive a “considerable boost” from the new weighted point system.

“We’ve been going about the draft and recruiting new players all wrong,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “Teams have been objectively evaluating the skills, character, and overall quality of a player when they decide to sign him. They don’t consider all the factors that may have made a person a worse basketball player, such as the fact that he’s 150 pounds overweight, ten years past his prime, and hasn’t played basketball since junior high.”

“This will result in a fairer, more equitable system for all.”

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee: 

Ocasio-Cortez Disappointed to Learn the ‘Free Market’ Isn’t a Grocery Store Where You Don’t Have to Pay for Anything

Demanding to Know Why He Allowed President Trump to Get Elected, Dems Subpoena God

Elizabeth Warren Surprises Grads by Announcing She Will Sharply Increase Their Taxes to Pay for Their Student Loans

With ‘Game of Thrones’ Over, Christians Reluctantly Return to Song of Solomon for Fix of Risqué Content

New Microaggression Goggles Help You Find Something Offensive in Any Situation

Moloch Says He May Rethink Presence in Georgia If Anti-Abortion Bill Goes into Effect

Mexico Retaliates Against New Tariffs by Increasing Spiciness of Hot Sauce

Disney CEO: ‘To Avoid Filming Among Depraved, Immoral People, We Are Moving All Our Georgia Operations Back to Hollywood’

3 Comments

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3 responses to “NBA to Assign ‘Adversity Score’ to Pudgy White Guys Who Want to Play Professional Basketball

  1. chrissythehyphenated

    “A new pair of Microaggression Goggles has been made available for people who want to find something offensive in any situation….

    “Are you tired of having to search for something to be oppressed by?” a voiceover says in the ad. “With our patented microaggression-tracking technology, you won’t have to search any longer. Now, you can instantly identify up to 100 things to be offended by in any conversation.”

    https://babylonbee.com/news/new-microaggression-goggles-help-you-find-something-offensive-in-any-situation

    Like

  2. chrissythehyphenated

    In further backlash against Georgia’s heartbeat bill, which bans abortion after a fetal heartbeat is detected, the Canaanite god Moloch says he will reconsider his presence in Georgia if the bill goes into effect.

    https://babylonbee.com/news/moloch-says-he-may-rethink-presence-in-georgia-if-anti-abortion-bill-goes-into-effect

    Like

  3. NBA to Assign ‘Adversity Score’ to Pudgy White Guys Who Want to Play Professional Basketball

    Finally! A headline I could readily recognize as so absurd it had to be from the Bee. I was pretty sure. Adversity score to pudgies, maybe. Then I saw “white guys,” and I was sure it was parody. 😦

    Liked by 1 person