Fake Experts

DOG fake expert

I was a (female) school bus driver in New York State when the “right turn on red” law was enacted. When I stopped and stayed at a red light with my right blinker on, my cocky high school passengers (male) started shouting, “Right on red, dummie! Right on red.” I kept my foot on the brake and calmly informed them that New York’s new right on red law specifically forbade a loaded school bus from turning right on red. Derp.

The school bus story is my own. The ones below are my favorites from the link at the bottom.

I was in Nemo, a museum in Amsterdam where they hung these tablets with a game on it that helps with research of youth learning capabilities in language. I was talking to this lady, probably a mom of one of the children playing on the tablet. She tried to help one child but she was making a mistake in her explanation. Out of impulse, I corrected her. She turned around and told me, “What do you know about it!” I was quite taken aback by this since we had been talking nicely up to that point. When I recovered I said, “Well, I wrote that software.” It was so satisfying to see her face after that.

I had a cashier get snotty with me when I told him he needed to hit F5 to get back from the credit card screen. He went into a rant about how he had been using the software for years and that what I told him was not going to work. He then explained something about computers. After he kept going on and on about how I was clearly wrong, I finally had to interrupt him: “Dude, I helped write this software, and nothing you said is right.” He then stormed off from the register and I just stood there awkwardly until a manager showed up. The manager pressed F5.

I was an aircraft mechanic, USAF, and a student pilot at one time. I was looking at cars in a showroom. The salesman started talking to me and my friend about the V12 in the ’70s Jaguar XL12. He went on about the engine and why it was so fast. “It’s got the same fuel injection system as an F4 fighter jet,” he said. Taken aback, I said, “Really?!” acting all impressed and surprised. “The same fuel injection as a General Electric J79 turbojet. Funny, since that burns JP4, a gasoline and kerosene mix. How does that work?” He just stopped mid-sentence and walked out of the showroom. We didn’t see him again for the entire time we were there looking around.

I’m a lawyer. One of my clients showed me a court ruling and demanded I start the same proceeding for him. I tried to explain that there were several reasons why it would not work for him, then proposed a different route. He insisted his case was exactly the same and that it would be an easy win. I tried to explain again. He then said, “Well, what do you know about it!” I calmly replied, “Err…. look at that ruling again. See who’s listed as the plaintiff’s lawyer?” It was me.

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