500-Year-Old Socialist Key to Youth Vote in 2020

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The youth vote is seen as key to a Democratic victory in 2020, but so far most of the announced candidates have not excited young people. That’s changed now that the extremely ancient socialist Bernie Sanders has slowly shuffled into the race.

“Boomers love fresh faces with brand new ideas,” explained political strategist Stacey Hernandez, “but they’re dying off. If you want young people, you need the oldest possible person you can find, spouting even older ideas that already failed repeatedly before any of us were born. That’s what kids love.”

Scientists aren’t exactly sure how old Bernie Sanders is and probably won’t be until he dies and they can cut him in two and count the rings, but they do know that his social security number is a single digit and that he first encountered socialist ideas as a youth playing stickball with a young Karl Marx. And young, liberal voters can’t get enough of him. “He just hates money,” said college student Darren Tate, “probably since it hadn’t been invented yet when he grew up, and it still scares and confuses him.”

Many now see Bernie Sanders as the frontrunner in the race, though there are some possible legal problems with his candidacy since the birth certificate establishing him as a native-born U.S. citizen is expired.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Opinion: It’s 2019, and Gay People Are Still Being Forced to Attack Themselves in the Streets

Conservatives Accused of Making Liberals Look Bad by Simply Reading List of Things Liberals Believe

Bernie Sanders Disappointed to Learn $6 Million in Campaign Donations Actually in Venezuelan Money

New Toyota Prius Will Remind You to Check Your Privilege Every 3,000 Miles

Ocasio-Cortez Declares Victory Over the Modern-Day Equivalent of Slavery: Jobs

Elizabeth Warren Claims Two Men in Colonial Outfits Assaulted Her with Smallpox-Infested Blankets

Opinion: Everyone Who Makes More Money Than I Do Isn’t Paying Their Fair Share

Virginia Democrats Publicly Thank Jussie Smollett for Taking All the Attention Away from Them

 

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One response to “500-Year-Old Socialist Key to Youth Vote in 2020

  1. chrissythehyphenated

    Scientists aren’t exactly sure how old Bernie Sanders is and probably won’t be until he dies and they can cut him in two and count the rings, but they do know that his social security number is a single digit and that he first encountered socialist ideas as a youth playing stickball with a young Karl Marx.

    ROFLLLLL

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