In Case You Haven’t Heard

After Kevin Hart was forced out as Oscar host over decade-old jokes that were deemed homophobic, the Oscars committee was scrambling to find a replacement that absolutely no one would find offensive.

The same thing happened to this year’s Heisman Trophy winner over a comment he made about gays when he was 14. you can never appease those who insist on being offended by everything. So, The Babylon Bee has come up with a foolproof solution.

Oscars To Be Hosted By Boom Box Playing Inoffensive, Calming Ambient Noise

The traditional opening monologue, according to sources, will just be a track dubbed “Amazon Rainforest.” Oscars attendees will be soothed by the sounds of rain falling in a lush rainforest as pictures of idyllic locations will be played on a screen. Stagehands will be ready to charge onstage and tackle the boom box, should anyone become upset by its tranquil sounds.

After each part of the ceremony, the boom box will be placed on stage, and an assistant will cue up a cassette tape with a different track to help everyone at the Oscars feel safe, warm, and loved. Of course, the boom box is not sentient and so cannot actually announce the presentation of any awards. The Oscars committee says this is by design, as no one will be offended by not getting an award.

1 Comment

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One response to “In Case You Haven’t Heard

  1. jbob45

    Ahh yes, soothing ambient noise, like the sound of right middle finger flipping.

    Like