Tim Tebow Suspended for Using Performance-Enhancing Bible Verses

From The Babylon Bee.

BINGHAMTON, NY—League officials confirmed Thursday that Double-A baseball player and devout Christian Tim Tebow has been suspended for using performance-enhancing Bible verses both on and off the field.

Tebow was spotted injecting the encouraging Bible passages into his morning devotional in the team’s locker room and was reported to appropriate authorities. He is barred from playing in the league until a full investigation of his Bible-reading activities can be conducted.

“The league has a zero-tolerance policy on Bible verses that inspire and encourage a player to do his best and play for the glory of God, and thus bestow an unfair advantage,” league investigator Mack Columbeau said in a press conference. “We will be looking into this matter objectively and completely before rendering a final judgment on Mr. Tebow. If he has violated league policy, he’ll be punished appropriately.”

According to sources close to the matter, Tebow had looked around to make sure no one was in the locker room, but had forgotten the closed circuit cameras. He then flipped to the “highly illegal” PEVs Philippians 4:13 and Joshua 1:9 and slowly read through them and their appropriate contexts, before hiding his Bible contraband back in his baseball bag and trotting out to the field for practice.

“The evidence is pretty convincing—this doesn’t look good for Tebow’s career,” Columbeau added.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Encased in Carbonite Until Next Court Session

Resistance Movement Vows to Do Anything to Stop Trump Short of Treating Other Half of Country with Respect

Millennials More Open to Socialism, Touching Hot Stove, Sticking Face in Sack Full of Badgers

Kamala Harris Reiterates Strong Support for Separating Families at Border of Birth Canal

‘Love Trumps Hate!’ Screams Protester While Beating Republican to Death with a Shovel

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Funny Stuff, Tim Tebow

One response to “Tim Tebow Suspended for Using Performance-Enhancing Bible Verses

  1. chrissythehyphenated

    I had to google to find out why this said “BINGHAMTON, NY” on it. I went to college and worked in Binghamton for 2 years after graduating. But that was a long time before the city had a minor league baseball team. Also didn’t know Tebow was now playing baseball, though I wasn’t surprised to learn he has been using PEV. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person