CNN Purchases Industrial-Sized Washing Machine to Spin News Before Publication

From The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—In order to aid the news station in preparing stories for consumption, popular news media organization CNN purchased an industrial-sized washing machine to help its journalists and news anchors spin the news before publication.

 

The custom-made device allows CNN reporters to load just the facts of a given issue, turn a dial to “spin cycle,” and within five minutes, receive a nearly unrecognizable version of the story that’s been spun to fit with the news station’s agenda.

One reporter was seen inserting the facts of a recent news story early Thursday morning.

“Okay, so we just slip in the location, the people involved, the facts of the story, and there we go,” he muttered as he fiddled with the buttons and dials on the machine. “Spin for five minutes on high, and we’ll have ourselves a news story.”

Minutes later, he removed the story and found it had turned into a perfect piece to push universal health care, common-sense gun control, and the removal of President Trump from office.

“Perfect!” he said, taking the story straight to his computer in order to upload it to CNN’s website.

At publishing time, CNN had also purchased an industrial-sized trash compactor in order to help compress and distort facts to fit into its preconceived narrative.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

IRS Still Waiting for Liberals to Voluntarily Mail Their Refund Checks Back

Mark Zuckerberg Finishes Morning Reading of Favorite Devotional, ‘1984’

Joel Osteen’s Bible Spotted Shivering Under Seedy Freeway Overpass

Facebook Sends Warm Reminder to Publishers That It Is in Complete Control of Their Livelihood

State of California Votes to Officially Secede from Reality

Calvinist Dog Corrects Owner: ‘No One Is a Good Boy’

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5 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

5 responses to “CNN Purchases Industrial-Sized Washing Machine to Spin News Before Publication

  1. Hey, yeah, but: Snopes took on this story and has labeled it FALSE! So there!

    I’m not kidding. Snopes actually did fact-check this story!! Lest any gullible person might be taken in by this #fakenews..

    🙄

    Liked by 1 person

  2. chrissythehyphenated

    “Calvinist dog” LOL!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. chrissythehyphenated

    Also this … “gender is a social construct, but only women can have an opinion on abortion.”

    http://babylonbee.com/news/opinion-gender-social-construct-women-can-opinion-abortion-can-change-gender-want-oh-wow-room-spinning-please-send-help/

    Liked by 1 person