FAKE NEWS: Zack Miley’s Five CNN Takeaways

2017_06 29 CNN fake Russia story toon

​I have to admit, I used to think CNN was just a left-leaning news outlet that hides its political bias but still occasionally reports the truth. Now I think CNN is a Trump-Russia wish fulfillment outlet that is so inept you would have to be a complete dumb*** to not see the leftist bias. Now what is the interim period between those two opinions, you ask? 16 hours, 16 earth-shattering hours to my mental capacities, 16 hours straight of CNN.

Who is it that came up with the masochistic idea of subjecting themselves to 16 hours of leftist propaganda? None other than our friends over at Louder with Crowder, of course! Being a masochist myself, I decided to join them on their journey, eventually leading me to ponder what exactly was more absurd: witnessing dwarf Jesus best dwarf Santa in the figgy pudding battle of the ages, or the fact that CNN is still on air… Sorry, I’m getting a bit off topic; I think the staggering mediocrity of Wolf Blitzer just gave me a mini-aneurism. Nevertheless, here are the five lessons I painstakingly learned from the #CrowderCNNLivestream.

1. Breaking News: The Story Already Broke

Every 15 minutes or so, CNN posts a story with either “Breaking” or “Developing” appearing on the chyron.  In reality, CNN broke only 3 stories during the 16 hours I watched.

2. This Just In: Trump X Putin 16/7

About half of CNN’s coverage is dedicated to fueling a fantasy land where Trump-Russia collusion actually exists.

3. Stop The Presses: CNN Is Not Republican Friendly

Almost all the coverage of the day was critical of Republicans and roughly zero reflected badly on Democrats. Many hours were devoted to talking about how Republicans wanted to kill millions of children by defunding CHIP (Children’s Health Insurance Program), which was never true. When Republicans actually passed funding for CHIP, CNN gave the story about 5 seconds.

4. Read All About It: I’m So Dumb, I Don’t Think I’m Capable of Reading Anymore

The only newsworthy things covered for the day were the U.N.’s ruling to condemn Trump’s decision to move the U.S. embassy to Israel’s capital, Jerusalem, Republicans funding CHIP, and the Melbourne attack. I very nearly missed the fact that Republicans funded CHIP and I never heard the Melbourne attacker was of Afghan descent and was partially motivated by the mistreatment of Muslims. I also didn’t hear a single thing mentioned about the Uranium One story despite it being trending on Twitter.

5. Developing: Jake Tapper Deserves a Better Home

Yes, I do still think Jake Tapper has a left-leaning bias, but I do think he tries to disseminate truth from time to time.

Summary: I may not have walked away from this experience any smarter, but I certainly gained the wisdom that there is much merit to uttering the phrase “CNN is fake news.” For that revelation I owe thanks to Steven Crowder and Co.


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