True Snark from the Babylon Bee

2017_11 07 Babylon Bee

ATLANTA, GA—According to sources close to local 32-year-old John Rettner, the man recently stated that “praying doesn’t help anything,” while his own idea of helping is just trolling under activist hashtags on Facebook and Twitter.

After every national tragedy and disaster, the man can be seen making fun of those offering “thoughts and prayers” while the only thing he himself has ever contributed to help those in need is his Facebook posts, sources confirmed.

“All your guys’ thoughts and prayers don’t do anything,” he wrote in a lengthy rant online. “Unlike you religious plebs, I’m committed to help out my fellow man by calling people names on social media.”

The man’s generous aid package for those hurt in recent tragedies has included “savage” memes mocking those who offer to pray for the victims, brutal comebacks on religious family members’ posts, and utilizing popular hashtags to self-righteously promote his positions on social issues.

“We can’t just sit around offering thoughts and prayers. We have to take action by attacking people online,” he said later.

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One response to “True Snark from the Babylon Bee

  1. rednig

    sounds like he could use some prayer, himself. I like praying. It makes things go right. A long time ago, god showed me prayer is effective. I worked in a restaurant, dishwasher, and an assistant manager went to school to learn to be a better manager. He went as a friend and came back as an owner. But, god showed me to pray, keep my voice down and do my job, even with him breathing down my neck. I suffered a lot of bigotry as a kid, and tended then to be shirt-tempered. I prayed for him with the memory of being a friend. That helped. He came out of a loving, even doting Christian home (I didn’t) and shortly after I started praying, his parents kicked him out. He found a nice apartment, bought all new clothes, new stereo, new car, and had a nice girlfriend he was seriously in love with. He came home one morning from 3rd shift and the landlord told him to get out, too many loud parties. He didn’t have a party. Someone picked the lock and used his apartment several times when he wasn’t home (it’s a small town). Then a friend borrowed his car and wrecked it while drunk. The insurance covered the accident, and he had a new car, which was damaged when someone tried to steal it. His bro, Bob, brought a pickup down to help him move, and while they were at work, someone stole the truck! They found the truck but all the new stuff was gone. Then his girlfriend told him off. He takes her out to a very crowded dining room and sets her down to talk to her, but she screams at him, she was pregnant and didn’t know if it was his or Bob’s! I stopped praying after that. He stopped being an owner and then his parents called him asking him to come home, they loved him. He made up with his girlfriend (it was a false alarm) and they got married. I talked to him about praying, and he do not stop! A little sojourn in the wilderness made him see the light and today, he’s a grandfather and manages his own place. Blessed be the wilderness where the Lord takes us to reason with us. When we accept that, the wilderness will, as the Word says, bloom like Eden. And yep, this all happened. You do not want to hear how my poor Mohawk brother-in-law decided atheism was for idiots… 🙂

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