This is to allay the fears of my good friend and bestest buddy, Chrissy, who expressed concern about a comment I made about the movie Behind the Green Door. This movie was made in 1972 and was in the same genre as Deep Throat and Debbie Does Dallas. The noteworthy thing about this film was that the star, Marilyn Chambers, was the model for the box of Ivory Snow Soap Flakes.
This was during the time when movies were filmed in 16MM and shown in “art theaters” frequented largely by smelly, sweaty men wearing overcoats, loose-fitting trousers and looking much like Harry Reid and Bernie Sanders. Compared to the array of smut available today on any computer screen, these were actually funny, given the contrived plots, dialogue, the actresses all wore wigs and the actors had moustaches like David Axelrod.
Would anybody in their right mind actually take a date to one of these places? Well, OK, but it was her idea. To avoid any possible chance of someone seeing me, we went to a show in a town 30 miles east of here. The theater itself reeked of bodily secretions and heavy duty pine cleaner.
My date was a girl I went to college with, and we had done a couple theatrical productions there. To say she was outspoken would be an understatement. During the entire film she kept a running commentary loud enough for everyone to hear.
‘She’s faking it!’
‘Women don’t sound like that!’
‘Yeah,give it to her good!’
I tried to slink down in my seat as far as I could without sliding onto that nasty floor. When the movie was about over I took her hand and beat a hasty retreat out of there. As we’re heading back to the car I was looking straight ahead, not risking eye contact with any of those perverts. Once we were safely away, I asked her if she learned anything. I had the unfortunate luck of taking her to a movie that starred John Holmes. “Johnny Wadd,” as he was known, had to have had an organ transplant from a Shetland pony. She said,”Yeah,I learned how inadequate you are.”
‘Darlin.’ I replied, ‘me and my two best friends measured end to end wouldn’t be that big.’ We sort of drifted apart some time later and I think she either became a dominatrix or she married a democrat representative. Same difference.
By the time I was married for the second time I came to the realization that art does not, in fact, imitate life. I never came across that van full of cheerleaders all wanting to have their way with me. Once you learn how to appreciate a good woman you don’t need that kind of crap.