Gruntington Post – When the Hillary Clinton campaign announced their latest gimmick to attract donations from misguided individuals willing to add their pocket cash to that of Saudi sheiks, shady arms dealers, Planned Parenthood, union thugs, various terrorist groups and about half the third-world dictators on the planet to help Hillary get what she wants, it started a frenzy of speculation about what useless token was being sent out in the ‘ThxBox.’ Here at the Gruntington Post, we have no idea, and really, really don’t want to know.
However, we have a super-computer capable of running the statistics and determining the objects that you can bet your grandmother will almost CERTAINLY NOT be in any of the boxes. Here’s the top ten.
Top Ten List of Objects LEAST Likely to be in a ThxBox:
1. Comprehensive list of Hillary’s accomplishments as SecState.
2. The half-gallon of Vince Foster’s missing blood that should have been at his death scene if he’d really shot himself in the head at Fort Marcy.
3. Complete collection of futures market investing books that Hillary used to become an expert before she made her cool $100,000 on the only transaction she ever made.
4. Complete collection of endearing and romantic handwritten letters sent between Bill and Hillary during the White House years in the 1990s.
5. Thoroughly convincing autographed photo of Hillary convalescing under doctors’ care for the concussion that prevented her from testifying before Congress about Benghazi.
6. Replica of the ethics medal Hillary was awarded for her truthful and courageous work during the Watergate Hearings in the 1970s.
7. Framed and autographed photo of Clinton advisor Sid Blumenthal and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu with Sid’s inscription: “Sorry about all those anti-Jewbag epithets over the years, Bibi. We love yah, and aren’t actively working toward the annihilation of Israel. We swear!”
8. Actual human teeth collected from the Bosnian snipers captured after firing on Hillary’s diplomatic entourage on the tarmac at Sarajevo.
9. Authentic pair of Huma Abedin’s panties recovered from somewhere in the Scooby Van that may or may not have been laundered since the Iowa State Fair. You have to contribute to find out!
10. A copy of Dr. Alma Bond’s new book about Hillary being poised to be America’s first Narcissist Lesbian President.