Today’s PoliNation Recipe for the Apocalypse: Huitlacoche Tacos

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I think it goes without saying that after another year or so with this administration in the White House, we’ll be subsisting on the occasional rat casserole and ditch weed salad. If the internet still exists, we’ll be spending lots of time on West African nutritional websites trying to figure out the proper ways to cook “bush meat.” If you don’t know what that means, trust me; you will. So, in that spirit, we here at PoliNation would like to present one of the hidden treasures of North American subsistence living: Huitlachoche Tacos.
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Huitlacoche is just a nice word for “corn smut,” which is a fungus that plagues corn crops. Since I grow corn, myself, I have the pleasure of cursing corn smut on a regular basis.  I never once thought of eating it, but I was vaguely aware that it could be bought, and strangely, it turns out that it’s not even really that cheap.  I think this is because the people who harvest, process and can the product require special equipment to keep from being poisoned, along with generous hazard pay.  They may even need to be imported from third world places where labor is cheap and unemployment is rampant, like the European Union countries.
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To prepare the huitlachoche, you first need to use a knife to cut the fungus off the corn and then throw the corn away.  It’s no longer any good to eat because all the good nutrients have been sucked out of it by the mushroomy crap.  Oh, and don’t worry about using a clean knife.  Actually, any sharp rock or piece of glass will do, too, because you’ll want to throw it away after you’re done, anyway.  Finally, you want to lightly sauté your cuitlacoche on a hot surface until, um, until you feel like stopping, and slap it onto a warm tortilla or any piece of grass-cake or bread-like substance that happens to be available.  That’s it.  Enjoy!
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Oh, and don’t forget to add a green salad to balance out the meal.  Instead of dressing, try splashing some Jack Daniels on top of your ditch weeds if you can afford it.  I know what you’re saying; “where are we going to find some Jack Daniels in post-Obama America?”  Well, it just so happens that old Jack is probably what we’ll be using for money by then, so it will be one of the few commercial products that will be available.  Healthy eating, and happy April Fools Day!

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3 responses to “Today’s PoliNation Recipe for the Apocalypse: Huitlacoche Tacos

  1. Man, Grunt, when I first saw that stuff presented as a “delicacy” on Food Network, I was like: “That’s the crap that got all over my corn when I tried to grow some in my garden that one year! Dangit, I coulda made a fortune of that gross mess!”

    Seriously, that stuff is the sort of thing only “elites” think is quality.

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    • For years, I didn’t even think anybody ate it except for poor farmers who didn’t have any choice because that was all that was left of their corn crop. It really is a blight. But I still respected the people who ate it. Kinda like the farmers in South America who regularly chased the rats out of their fields and caught them for the dinner table. They figured that the stupid rats ate THEIR corn, so now they were going to eat THEM. Circle of life.

      But PAYING for it?? That’s remarkable.

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      • Yeah, I get eating it if you have to for survival. And whomever the farmer is that had the genius idea of gulling rich city-slickers into believing it was truly a delicacy. . .well, I hope he’s rolling in bling. But yeah, paying for Mold-that-ruins-perfectly-good-corn? ew.

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