HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY FROM PETE’S EL RANCHO

DW and I have had our star boarders since yesterday morning, and while it’s a joy,it’s really tiring trying to keep up with a 7 and 11 year old. We watched something on the Disney Channel last night called Bad Hair Day. They’re getting more into pre-teen and away from cartoons. The jury is still out as to whether that’s a good or a bad thing. Before I turned in for the night they brought me Valentines they’d made with grandma from construction paper,glitter and crayons. As I type this they’re taped to my computer desk. Their mom called to check on them at bedtime last night and she and daddy were enjoying a rare quiet night alone. I’ve got some funny stuff today since I didn’t do it yesterday,plus a few political things.

THIS IS FROM DIOGENES’ MIDDLE FINGER,IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

The Husband Store

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework…

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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I DON’T RECALL ANY VALENTINES LIKE THIS WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL

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29 Comments

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29 responses to “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY FROM PETE’S EL RANCHO

  1. Pistol Pete

    World’s first penis REDUCTION surgery: Teenager requested op after his manhood grew so large it stopped him having sex
    17-year-old complained his penis was too large, stopping him have sex
    It measured 7ins in length and had a circumference of 10ins when flaccid
    Despite the size, his penis did not grow when erect – it just became firmer
    Surgeon said: ‘It’s girth was just massive’ and was shaped like rugby ball
    Doctors didn’t take post op measurements but said it was still ‘generous’
    ‘It was a life-changing event, he’s all smiles,’ urologist told MailOnline
    WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT
    I won’t post the x-ray pictures….use your imagination.
    I haven’t seen one this size since we sold our breed bull.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2950409/World-s-penis-REDUCTION-surgery-Teenager-requested-op-genitals-grew-large-stopped-having-sex.html#ixzz3Rk7uauq3

    Like

    • This fellow’s penis condition, despite what might seem at first ripe for humor, is no joking matter. I’ve never heard of anything like this. Both he and the woman who needed vaginal reconstruction are fortunate indeed to live in times when surgeons can perform such miracles! Hope they both have happy, normal-ish lives.

      Like

      • Pistol Pete

        My urologist once told me he’s had to go to the ER to tend to someone who’s used medication to achieve an erection and it wouldn’t go down.He said it was absolutely no joke.

        Like

  2. Pistol Pete

    One of the Winners of $500 Million Powerball Recently Quit Her Job to Take Care of Daughter Who Has Cerebral Palsy

    Marie Holmes: ‘First thing I’m gonna do is pay my tithe’
    God works in mysterious ways
    http://www.hapblog.com/2015/02/one-of-winners-of-500-million-powerball.html

    Like

  3. Pistol Pete

    Georgia Woman, 82, Arrested For Theft Of “Sexiest Fantasies” Body Spray

    If she’s looking for love she needs a tazer.
    The “Sexiest Fantasies” body spray that Young sought to pinch was the brand’s “Fireworks” fragrance. According to the manufacturer, the spray “provides a burst of sensuality as plump wild strawberries, succulent peaches, and voluptuous vanilla come together to create a fragrance as addictive and seductive as the woman who wears it.” The product is also reportedly “sure to drive any man wild.”
    http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/body-spray/82-year-old-in-body-spray-bust-896520

    Like

  4. Pistol Pete

    An Announcement from President Obama
    This is from Ted Cruz

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  5. Pistol Pete

    Couple who shared 10,000 love notes over 4 decades offers timeless advice for Valentine’s Day
    “My Love: Thank you for being you and loving me,” read a note from 1989 that they shared with CBS.

    The dedicated husband says he’s been writing Kris notes since the time when they used to commute together.

    http://www.bizpacreview.com/2015/02/13/couple-who-shared-10000-love-notes-over-4-decades-offers-timeless-advice-for-valentines-day-179508#ixzz3RkAnAigM

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  6. Pistol Pete

    Police: Homeless Man Had Sex With Corpse In Funeral Home
    I felt the same way when I had sex with my ex-wife

    The Columbus Ledger-Enquirer reports 26-year-old Domonique Smith is charged with necrophilia.

    Capt. Gordon Griswould says Smith was arrested Monday and charged with stealing a bicycle from Hill Watson Peoples Funeral Service. During that investigation, police found evidence that the man had sexual contact with the body of a woman at the funeral home.
    http://atlanta.cbslocal.com/2015/02/13/police-homeless-man-had-sex-with-corpse-in-funeral-home/

    Like

  7. Pistol Pete

    Jesse Jackson: Punishment Against Cheating Chicago Little League Team “Inappropriate” And Racist…

    They say the most dangerous place in the world is between a mother and her young.Actually,it’s between Jackass and a TV camera.
    Despite the open and shut nature of the case, several of the team’s supporters — including Jesse Jackson and Michael Pfleger — stated at a Wednesday press conference that JRW’s punishment had nothing to do with any possible recruiting infractions and was born purely through…RACISM!
    http://dailycaller.com/2015/02/12/jesse-jackson-jackie-robinson-wests-punishment-is-inappropriate-and-racist/

    Like

  8. Pistol Pete

    Krauthammer: Obama’s Mid East Policy is in ‘complete collapse’

    Like

  9. Pistol Pete

    Woman who couldn’t have sex gets artificial vagina made from PIG intestine
    Czech woman had very narrow vagina due to the condition scleroderma
    Problem so bad that a gynecologist could not carry out an examination
    In surgery believed to be first of its kind, the area was surgically widened
    Doctors then inserted a mesh made from pig intestine during recovery
    1mm-thick mesh keeps area wide while human tissue grows around it
    Operation will eventually allow the woman to resume sexual activity

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2952095/Woman-couldn-t-sex-cured-thanks-pioneering-surgery-using-PIG-intestine.html#ixzz3RkIz78As

    Like

  10. Pistol Pete

    It’s Almost Valentine’s Day: Rep. Farenthold Claims He Was Propositioned For A Threesome

    This nitwit looks like Flounder from Animal House

    In a denial to a formal complaint filed against him, as reported by National Journal, he says he was propositioned for a threesome, but that it was absolutely not a lobbyist. He also admits that staff did joke about his attraction to redheads. Please note: It’s also true that he registered the domain name “Blow-me.org.”

    He also denies any attraction to her or that he had “sexual fantasies” and “wet dreams” about her

    Like

  11. Don’t forget this awesome one from Mary Jane Anklestraps!

    Like

  12. Like

  13. Pistol Pete

    ISIS SEIZES IRAQI CITY – Attacks Al-Asad Base With 300 US Marines Inside – EIGHT SUICIDE BOMBERS Killed Inside Base

    like Leonides and the 300 Spartans holding the pass at Thermopolae against Xerxes and the Persian hordes.
    WHAT THE HELL IS IT ABOUT LIBERALS THAT MAKES THEM GET A KICK OUT OF STRANDING AMERICAN SOLDIERS IN THE FACE OF OVERWHELMING ODDS?
    Mogadishu,Benghazi,Iraq.This is not a coincidence.
    UPDATE: At least eight ISIS fighters attacked the base where over 300 US Marines are stationed.
    Eight suicide bombers managed Friday to get onto a sprawling Iraqi military base where hundreds of U.S. Marines are training their Iraqi counterparts, but were killed by an ISF counter attack almost immediately.

    The US Marines at Al-Asad airbase has been under frequent attack since January.
    But today ISIS seized large swaths of the city.
    http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2015/02/isis-seizes-al-baghdadi-iraq-300-us-marines-in-jeopardy/

    Like

  14. Pistol Pete

    Obama, the Oval Office clown: President pulls faces and fires imaginary gun in video made to promote overhaul of US health system
    U.S. President filmed poking out his tongue and making faces in mirror
    He stars in a video called ‘Things Everybody Does But Doesn’t Talk About’
    Obama also practices a speech and uses a selfie stick in the short film
    Filmed in the White House, it is aimed at promoting the U.S. health system
    Americans are dying because of his incompetence and contempt for our way of life and all he does is make an international laughingstock of himself.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2951735/Obama-Oval-Office-clown-President-pulls-funny-faces-video-promoting-health-system.html#ixzz3RkSZezV9

    Like

    • Ting

      I saw those “selfie Sticks” for the first time 3 weeks ago on vacation. The most ridiculous, pathetic looking people in the world were using them. I swear one of them had to have been a stripper. I think this guy has lost his mind.

      Like

    • chrissythehyphenated

      Little kids have been suspended from school for making a gun finger gesture.

      Like

  15. Pistol Pete

    Krauthammer: Obama Cutting Buzzfeed Video on Same Day Kayla Mueller Was Killed is ‘Truly Distasteful’
    In his world,his fun is all that matters

    Like

  16. Pistol Pete

    Australia’s highest court to hear case of dog on death row

    In a legal first in Australia, the High Court has agreed to hear an appeal against a Melbourne council’s order to put down a dog
    The Knox City council in Melbourne ordered that Izzy should be destroyed after the dog escaped from its backyard home and bit a stranger on the finger in 2012, causing a half-inch laceration. The dog was reportedly also involved in two other attacks in June 2013.
    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/11410418/Australias-highest-court-to-hear-case-of-dog-on-death-row.html

    Like

  17. Pistol Pete

    Courtroom cracks up as feisty 80-year-old makes ‘sweetheart’ judge lose it
    An elderly woman in prison garb took command of the judge, the lawyer and all the inmates in a Florida courtroom on Friday.

    Dolores Sheinis, 80, had Broward County Judge John Hurley in stitches as she stood before him on charges of resisting arrest and an injunction barring her from visiting her ex husband, according to NBC Miami.
    I haven’t bothered him for 31 years, why would I bother him now?” she said in response to the judges instructions to stay clear of her ex.

    “I swear to God and all that’s holy on a stack of bibles, I will never go near him, talk to him, call him or even look at him,” Sheinis continued.

    The judge asked her, after a few rounds of comedic banter, if she ever considered a career in stand-up.

    “If you pay me good money, sweetheart, I’ll be there,” she said. “I’m really short of funds.”

    When Hurley told her that she “brightened his day,” the witty 80-year-old responded “That’s what the last guy said.”

    http://www.bizpacreview.com/2015/02/13/courtroom-cracks-up-as-feisty-80-year-old-makes-sweetheart-judge-lose-it-179507#ixzz3RkXsd7zU

    Like

  18. Pistol Pete

    FCC Commissioner: Obama Is Taking Unprecedented Direct Control Over Internet Changes…
    By the time he’s done there won’t be much left of us.

    Discussing the plan that the FCC has refussed to let the public see Pai said, “Unfortunately it looks like the cake has been baked. President Obama gave his direction to the FCC in back in early November and lo and behold, the FCC majority has put together President Obama’s plan for Internet regulation. And it looks to be posed pass it on a 3-to-2 vote.”
    http://www.breitbart.com/video/2015/02/13/fcc-commish-obama-taking-unprecedented-direct-control-over-internet-changes/

    Like

  19. Pistol Pete

    Texas Police Probe Recidivist Road Rager
    You’ll never guess


    Police are investigating a Texas man for a series of road rage incidents, including one that was videotaped by a woman who last week was traveling with her four-year-old daughter when the suspect accosted her on an Austin roadway.
    As seen in the above video, the man called Nowlin a “bitch” and spit on the windshield of her car. He then raised a clenched right fist and said, “Fuck you, Black Power.” He added, “White bitch” before returning to his vehicle.
    Too bad she didn’t just shoot the bastard

    “He got out of his car three times after chasing me around at high speeds and almost killing a female jogger,” Nowlin told TSG. Cops have classified the February 4 incident as “disorderly conduct abusive language” and “reckless driving.”

    Fortunately he’s black,so hate crimes laws don’t apply.
    http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/austin-texas-road-rager-546930

    Like

  20. Pistol Pete

    Scott Walker Chides Media For Politicizing His View On Evolution

    “Both science & my faith dictate my belief that we are created by God.”
    The left will stoop to ANYTHING to destroy this man.He don’t take any shit.
    “That’ s question that a politician shouldn’t be involved in one way or another,” he said.

    After the “baffled” media made a story of his “punt” on evolution, Walker posted some follow-up comments on Twitter in which he said he believes that faith and science are “compatible” and called the media’s attempt to politicize the issue “unfortunate.”
    http://www.truthrevolt.org/news/scott-walker-chides-media-politicizing-his-view-evolution

    Like

  21. Pistol Pete

    How to make an INSIDE OUT boiled egg : Video reveals simple trick to get yolk on the outside and white on the inside
    A Japanese chef has revealed how to cook an egg inside out
    In a bizarre video he shows how spinning it can reverse the colour
    First, you need to tape up the egg, and then spin it in a pair of tights
    Then, by boiling the egg, the yolk should appear on the outside
    The reason is that the yolk is denser, so the centrifugal force moves it to the outside of the albumen when the egg is spun
    Try this when you color Easter eggs

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2950638/How-make-boiled-egg-INSIDE-Video-reveals-simple-trick-yolk-outside-white-inside.html#ixzz3RkfhfWu6

    Like