10. The Republican party splits into two after bloody internal warfare. The Tea Party splinter party decides on a Rand Paul / Allen West ticket for 2016. The establishment GOP can’t decide between Jeb Bush, John McCain and Mitt Romney, so they pull a Hail Mary move and nominate Hillary Clinton, who is the one they all secretly wanted anyway.
9. After years of scientists’ speculation about the danger of the Yellowstone caldera, it finally erupts into a shield volcano that covers all of the Rocky Mountain and Central Plains states under a half-mile of ash and lava flow, displacing 100 million American citizens. President Obama insists on completing his 315th and 316th rounds of golf in Monaco with King Saud during most of the crisis, and sends Joe Biden to Chicago to give a speech. At MSNBC, Al Sharpton is criticized for commenting about the “hellish devastation in Canada.”
8. Al Franken, Minnesota Senator and former SNL writer is finally named as the rogue Vatican english translator who has been altering Church documents as they were translated into English, causing extensive confusion among Western Catholics for the last two years. The manhunt for the rogue translator didn’t heat up until the conclusion of the recent Vatican Bishop’s Synod, when a final report on marriage, which clearly included language about marriage being between “one man and one woman” in the Italian version was found to say “between mammals, generally, or any consenting vertebrate or invertebrate, really” in the English version.
7. Race relations descend into utter chaos in virtually every American city as black youth, encouraged by President Obama to “stay the course” in their distrust of police, succeed in looting and burning virtually everything until the entire country resembles Detroit. At some point, Washington, DC rioters breach the fence at Andrews AFB while Obama is on the golf course there. Seeing their damage to the 13th green, he responds with shock and outrage, declaring immediate martial law, shooting of all looters on sight, and the arrest and summary execution of Al Sharpton without trial. This, finally, ends the crisis.
6. President Obama is tricked by his staff on April 1st into signing an executive order that outlaws all executive orders.
5. The price of oil hits $40/barrel and U.S. gasoline prices drop below $2/gallon, causing an acute economic crisis in oil producing countries, especially Russia. Vladimir Putin cleverly survives the crisis by sharply raising the price of Russian wives and prostitutes exported to western countries.
4. In acknowledgment of recent global realizations, universities begin to move their Climate Science Departments into the same buildings with the Saudi Feminist Law, Advanced Metaphysics and Astrology Science Departments.
3. Russian troops accidentally invade Latvia disguised as Polish troops while attempting to conquer Belarus. Russian President Putin immediately condemns the incursion. German chancellor Angela Merkel broadly hints that if they would only invade Greece instead, getting them off the hands of the European Union, there could be some money in it for them.
2. North Korea takes credit for a 3-day power outage in Vancouver caused by heavy snowfall. Kim Jong Un informs Canadian Parliament by tweet that all of Canada will be dragged back to the “stone age” if they don’t start respecting North Korean power. Canadian Prime Minister Harper retorts that he certainly respects North Korean knowledge of the stone age.
1. NASA Goddard reissues their global gravity model GEM15 over 5 times before being forced to incorporate a new variable identifying the global position of Kim Kardashian’s ass.