DISCLAIMER: This blog does NOT encourage anyone to drink alcohol or consume any intoxicants during Presidential speeches. Also, it should be kept in mind that discharging firearms toward TV sets is always dangerous and should never be attempted, especially if children are present, even if your aim is good.
Emergency rooms across America are bracing for an unprecedented influx of alcohol poisoning cases in the wake of President Obama’s speech tonight beginning at 9pm ET. As always, there will be a half-hour delay in the actual beginning of the speech as the White House staff locates the President and gets him changed out of his golf clothes, so the speech will not commence until 9:30pm ET. This extra half hour delay is a particular concern to hospital staffs because it allows Americans to engage in “pre-game” drinking as they wait in front of their TVs and listen to news anchors fill empty time with chatter about the President’s ‘challenges.’
As with all of President Obama’s speeches, Las Vegas odds-makers and conservative pundits are calculating the probabilities of the usual buzzwords being used. This time, however, the level of hopelessness of the ISIS situation combined with the narrow focus advertised for this speech make it virtually certain that everyone knows ahead of time what he will propose and exactly which pseudo-military buzzwords and phrases he will spew. Journalists are warning people to avoid the usual drinking triggers used in the past, such as the ubiquitous “I, me, my” trio. Those words have been known to number in the low hundreds for a single speech rendering them impractical. Derek Hunter of the Daily Caller suggests the following warning:
WARNING: As with any drinking game involving a speech from the President and buzzwords, discretion is your friend. If you take a drink at every one of his meaningless platitudes you will be dead by the end of it, or an honorary Kennedy. Either option is bad.
Finish your drink if he says:
The wrong side of history.
I (or my administration) will not rest.
Community of nations.
Finish the bottle if he says:
We will hunt these monsters down, whatever it takes, and wipe them off the face of the Earth.
Blogger David Burge, known as IowaHawk, suggests these trigger words:
Regardless which words you use, we recommend an extremely limited and cautious approach, perhaps using only a single phrase, such as: “ISIL represents NO religion.” And if you are a first responder, such as a paramedic or ER doctor, our prayers are with you tonight.