Gruntington Post (Parody): It’s been reported by extremely reliable news sources, such as the World News Bureau, that the Islamic State has threatened to kill everyone responsible for thousands of counterfeit ISIS flags (above) being distributed by elusive vendors worldwide and mistakenly bought by eager Jihad supporters throughout the Middle East, southeast Asia and, for some reason, Detroit. According to WNS:
The infidels who have profaned Allah’s chosen symbol for his divine caliphate will drown in their own blood – this we promise,” claimed ISIS spokesman al-Fhart Aldai.
There are suspicions, unconfirmed, that the flags originate in the United States, possibly as part of a promotional scheme by the Boar’s Butt Brewing Company in Charleston, South Carolina. In fact, the Gruntington Post has uncovered additional instances of other ISIS banners being substituted for fakes, such as the one below at a rally in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, and these are also linked to Boar’s Butt.
During a grueling undercover operation in the bars of Charleston which involved drinking enormous amounts of microbrew ale, operatives for the Post uncovered documents indicating that BB Brewing was intercepting the ISIS shipments of cheap Chinese-made nylon flags and replacing them with their own cheap Chinese-made nylon flags with offensive slogans and images. Apparently this was done covertly by boarding container ships traveling by Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean on their way to the Strait of Hormuz. It is believed that this could only have been done with the help of U.S. Military resources at Diego Garcia. When asked if the U.S. Government might be involved, U.S. State Dept Tri-Delt Spokes-Pledge Marie Harf made an extensive statement. It wasn’t recorded what she said, but after she talked for a few minutes, it became obvious that the State Department couldn’t possibly be involved in anything as awesome as this flag-swapping operation. If personnel from Diego Garcia were involved, they must have been doing it without the knowledge of their civilian leadership.