Last month at the left-wingnuts’ Netroots conference, Sen. Elizabeth “Fauxcahontas” Warren (D-MA) issued Eleven Progressive Commandments.
This week, former Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) issued the Conservative Response.
1. Elizabeth Warren: “We believe that Wall Street needs stronger rules and tougher enforcement, and we’re willing to fight for it.”
Sarah Palin’s response: “We believe that Washington, D.C. needs to take less of our money. It needs more scrutiny, fewer bureaucrats, and it needs a reminder of the principles laid down in the Constitution that our leaders swear to defend. Furthermore, we believe crony capitalism is infecting both sides of the aisle in D.C. We’re working really hard to root it out of our party. Senator Warren, what are you doing to root it out of yours?”
2. Warren: “We believe in science, and that means that we have a responsibility to protect this Earth.”
Palin’s response: “We believe in science and God’s magnificent creation overflowing with natural resources. That means we have a responsibility to honor Him by protecting the earth as we develop our resources in an environmentally sound way for mankind’s use.”
3. Warren: “We believe that the Internet shouldn’t be rigged to benefit big corporations, and that means real net neutrality.”
Palin’s response: “We believe the Internet shouldn’t be censored by the world’s tyrants. That means President Obama should reverse his disastrous decision to hand over control of Internet domain names to the U.N., where it will come under the thumb of authoritarian regimes like Russia and China.”
4. Warren: “We believe that no one should work full-time and still live in poverty, and that means raising the minimum wage.”
Palin’s response: “We believe in lifting Americans out of poverty and into sustainable jobs. That means government needs to butt out of employer-employee pay issues. And quit over-regulating business and increasing taxes. It drives up operating costs — that’s what affects wages.”
5. Warren: “We believe that fast-food workers deserve a livable wage, and that means that when they take to the picket line, we are proud to fight alongside them.”
Palin’s response: “We believe … wait, I thought fast food joints … don’t you guys think that they are of the devil or something? Liberals, I thought you wanted to send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint to purgatory or something until they all go vegan?! Wages and picket lines, I dunno, they’re not often discussed in purgatory, are they?
“We believe in America where minimum-wage jobs are not lifetime gigs. They are stepping stones to a good job with sustainable wages. It teaches work ethic. We believe in helping Americans climb the economic ladder, not get stuck on the first rung. A strong economy with good-paying jobs comes from free enterprise, not from a top-down, bloated, big-government, command-and-control economy.”
6. Warren: “We believe that students are entitled to get an education without being crushed by debt.”
Palin’s response: “We believe that students learn to not make decisions that result in a lot of debt. And we believe that schools need to be more accountable for the insane increase in tuition. … It’s no accident, Elizabeth, that the rise in tuition corresponds with the rise in government intervention. More government isn’t the answer.”
7. Warren: “We believe that after a lifetime of work, people are entitled to retire with dignity, and that means protecting Social Security, Medicare, and pensions.”
Palin’s response: “We believe a pension is a promise. It must be honored. We do that by using common sense and prioritizing budgets that once and for all will end waste and fraud and the crony capitalism and the stupid political decisions that are bankrupting our nation. We believe that in order to keep faith with future generations and fulfill our current commitments to our seniors, we must enact sensible entitlement reform.”
8. Warren: “We believe — I can’t believe I have to say this in 2014 — we believe in equal pay for equal work.”
Palin’s response: “We believe — I can’t believe I have to say this in 2014 — we believe in equal pay for equal work. And President Barack Obama should abandon his hypocritical practice of paying women less than men in his campaigns, in his administration, and in the White House.”
9. Warren: “We believe that equal means equal, and that’s true in marriage, it’s true in the workplace, it’s true in all of America.”
Palin’s response: “We believe that all men and women are created equal. They claim that we are not tolerant? Well, we believe that tolerance goes both ways. That means respecting people’s right to disagree with you, instead of trying to intimidate or silence us. We believe the answer to free speech that you find offensive is more free speech, not less.”
10. Warren: “We believe that immigration has made this country strong and vibrant, and that means reform.”
Palin’s response: “We believe that legal immigration helped make this country strong and vibrant. And that means welcoming law-abiding, hard-working immigrants who wish to come here legally and pledge their allegiance to the United States of America. Furthermore, we believe, as none other than Cesar Chavez believed, that illegal immigration hurts the country. It unfairly hurts working-class Americans of all races, all backgrounds who are seeking good-paying jobs, security for their families.”
11. Warren: “And we believe that corporations are not people, that women have a right to their bodies. We will overturn Hobby Lobby and we will fight for it. We will fight for it!”
Palin’s response: “We believe women have a right to their bodies, just as babies have a right to their living, breathing bodies nestled in a mother’s womb. And anyone who wants contraception, more power to you. Continue to freely buy any kind you want, no one is stopping you. We’ll fight for the right of private businesses, including Hobby Lobby, to work with you to figure out health-care coverage themselves in any way the owners of these businesses (that they built themselves) want to, knowing that government intervention just always screws everything up.
“Furthermore, we believe that religious liberty is enshrined in our Constitution, remember? The government has no right to coerce people to violate their religious beliefs. And if they try to take any of our Constitutional rights away, we will fight for them.”
Palin had “one final thought for Sen. Warren and her would-be progressive populists.”
“We conservatives believe, as Ronald Reagan said, that you can’t be for big taxes, big government, big bureaucracy and still be for the little guy. We stand with the little guy, who is being bullied and beaten down by the progressive left’s failed policies of yours, Elizabeth Warren. We stand for free men and free markets — the twin ideals that made this nation strong, peaceful, and prosperous. We say, God Bless America. We hope you say the same, Senator Warren.”