PETE’S PAGE; FRIDAY PUNDAY

Posted by Pistol Pete

Following the birth of a child there are at least three significant milestones in their lives that caring parents/grandparents look forward to:

1. graduation

2. marriage

3. the birth of their first child.

Our granddaughter Jessica is 18 years old.

She is not married.

She is not pregnant (so we haven’t had to bail her dad out of jail yet).

She did finish her studies and will be receiving her diploma tomorrow. Things did not come as easily for her as it did for some of us,but she persevered and reached her goal. We are so looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. She’s always had a penchant for dyeing her hair neon colors like electric blue,bubble gum pink and Obama-lips purple. Hopefully her hair is its natural color tomorrow. Time will tell.

Mindful recalled a grannyism yesterday and I got to thinking its been awhile.

Typical conversation at Granny’s would be as follows:

‘Granny,I want a dollar.’

‘People in hell want ice water.’

‘Will you drive me to the store?’

‘Walking ain’t crowded.’

‘I want chicken for supper instead of pork chops.’

‘There are two choices on the menu every night…take it…leave it. I’m not running a restaurant. Supper’s at six. If you’re here you eat. If you’re not you don’t. It’s not complicated.’

‘You must be twins because one person can’t be that stupid.’

‘I’ll be switched and the hay ain’t pitched.’

‘I’ll slap you so hard your kids will be born dizzy.’

‘If wishes were horses beggars would ride.’

‘How come there are so many more horse’s asses than there are horses?’

(that one was grampa’s)

This was just how granny showed she loved us without getting too emotional.

In all my years with her I only heard her drop the F-bomb once…but that’s another story.

SOME OF THESE PUNS ARE FUNNY; SOME ARE JUST REALLY WRONG

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Casual Friday

31 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

31 responses to “PETE’S PAGE; FRIDAY PUNDAY

  1. Pistol Pete

    Heartbroken children unable to afford mother’s funeral helped by good Samaritan who found letter tied to balloon they left to fly away
    Renee Finney passed away unexpectedly five days before Mother’s Day
    With no life insurance her three children were unable to pay for her funeral
    They launched a fundraiser by washing cars and selling cakes on Mother’s Day
    They also released balloons with hand written notes to their mother attached
    Was found by woman 30 miles away who showed the heart breaking notes to her boss
    Jerry Halamuda helped to raise more than $12,000 for the Finney children

    Every once in awhile things don’t seem all bad.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2632381/Heartbroken-children-unable-afford-mothers-funeral-helped-good-Samaritan-letter-tied-balloon-left-fly-away.html#ixzz32YOeHhxx

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    • chrissythehyphenated

      Another good one here: “After a customer suggested that servers at a West Virginia restaurant needed to “show more skin,” Daniel McCawley, owner of Atomic Grill in Morgantown, WVa. became offended and decided to do something about it. Owner is donating all proceeds from the sale of loaded potato skins this holiday weekend to a West Virginia rape crisis center network.”

      http://money.msn.com/business-news/article.aspx

      And, oh hey, I’ve been to Morgantown! After the 1972 flood, my youth group went down there for a week to help out.

      Like

  2. Pistol Pete

    Teenage nerf gun battle causes panic in the streets
    Police in Wausau,Wis. were ‘very concerned that some citizens would panic seeing teenagers with toy guns in bright orange and yellow plastic that shoot chunks of foam rubber at each othe.There are a lot of nitwits that need to get a grip.
    http://thelibertarianrepublic.com/city-wausau-wisconsin-terrified-nerf-gun-fight-video/#axzz32YPMIBNF

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  3. Pistol Pete

    ‘Duck Dynasty’ Star Slams ‘Homosexual Offenders’ In New Easter Sermon Video
    “They railed against me for giving them the truth about their sins,” Robertson recalls from the church podium. “You want the verse? The news media didn’t even know it was a verse.”

    He continued for congregants, “‘Is homosexual behavior a sin?’ the guy asked me. I said, ‘Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God?’”

    Roberston added, “Don’t be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor the idolators, nor adulterers nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”
    Apparently Phil didn’t get the memo.He was supposed to go on an apology tour and express regret repeatedly for having Christian beliefs.
    Video at link.

    http://www.businessinsider.com/phil-robertson-slams-homosexual-offenders-in-easter-video-2014-5#ixzz32YRU5MSS

    Like

    • chrissythehyphenated

      Even better … say he is still a Christian, but now he realizes he was wrong about what the Bible says about sin. THAT would really get the Lefties to hug him on the neck.

      Like

  4. Pistol Pete

    Good on this grandma.
    Had I ever gotten arrested granny told me not to waste my phone call on her.
    I would probably have asked for jail time because it would be easier than facing her.

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  5. Pistol Pete

    Man Busted For Trying To Have Sex With ATM

    Cops: Suspect also sought to tryst with picnic table
    I dunno….seems perfectly normal to me.
    http://thesmokinggun.com/documents/sex-with-atm-machine-456932

    Like

  6. Pistol Pete

    Man says getting the wrong order at Burger King pushed him over the edge before opening fire at girlfriend’s home, killing one and injuring a 7-year-old boy
    Brandon Hawkins killed his girlfriend’s mother’s boyfriend and shot her 7-year-old son
    Hawkins has a history of problems with his girlfriend’s family
    A year ago, Hawkins’ girlfriend’s brother fired a gun at him
    Hawkins plan was to kill his girlfriend’s brother and turn the gun on himself

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2635656/Man-says-getting-wrong-order-Burger-King-pushed-edge-opening-fire-girlfriends-home-killing-one-injuring-7-year-old-boy.html#ixzz32YWaTzzB

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  7. Pistol Pete

    BLR TIME

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  8. Pistol Pete

    FOURTH GRADER CAUGHT SMOKING POT AT SCHOOL;FACES DISCIPLINE
    They start them young in these democrat-controlled hellholes.
    http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2014/05/23/4th-grader-caught-smoking-pot-in-school-faces-discipline/

    Like

  9. Pistol Pete

    A secretive tree ‘raccoon’, a ghostly shrimp and a bug that thrives in spacecraft assembly rooms: Meet the weird and wonderful new creatures only just discovered by science
    Heading the list this year is the Olinguito, a secretive creature from the cloud forests of Columbia and Ecuador – the first new carnivorous mammal described by scientists in the western hemisphere in 35 years.
    CtH:there’s a new scrabble word for you

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2635979/A-secretive-tree-raccoon-ghostly-shrimp-bug-thrives-spacecraft-assembly-rooms-Meet-weird-wonderful-new-creatures-just-discovered-science.html#ixzz32Yb644Dh

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  10. Pistol Pete

    Rock Band Heart, Who Told Sarah Palin to Stop Playing Song ‘Barracuda’ at Republican Convention, Says Hillary Can Use Any Song She Wants
    the Cupcake Sisters went into apoplexy when Sarah used their song,even though the republican party paid all the proper fees to use it.
    The only song they recorded that may be appropriate for Killary is “Crazy On You”
    9Nancy Wilson,the thinner one is married to director Cameron Crowe.)
    http://www.hapblog.com/2014/05/rock-band-heart-who-told-sarah-palin-to.html

    However,I think the perfect song for the Benghazi Butcher would be:

    Like

  11. Pistol Pete

    Elementary School ‘Pay to Potty’ Rule Outrages Parents
    Students in the class earn Monopoly play money through good behavior and performance that they can then spend on toys, treats and using the restroom.
    Jasmine Alayadhi’s daughter also came home after wetting her pants last week.

    “‘I didn’t want to be left out. I wanted to have popcorn with my friends,’ [she said]. And so she tried to hold it,” Alayadhi said. “She said it hurt so bad, the pain was so bad, she goes, ‘I just had to let it go.’”

    I am deeply saddened by the state our educational system will be in by the time my grandchildren have kids in school.If there even is a system other than government -run indoctrination centers.
    http://www.wric.com/story/25573747/elementary-school-pay-to-potty-rule-outrages-parents

    Like

  12. Pistol Pete

    Student Turned Over to Police for a Doodle
    Keller claims that the principal had interviewed his son on April 30, and suspended him, for drawing the doodle. He claims that he and his wife met with school staff that day for an IEP (individual education program) meeting, “and were told that B.R.K. was doing fine,” though at the end of the meeting they were told that he was suspended, “effective immediately, pending a risk assessment.”
    When I was in grade school our teacher would let us play ‘Hangman’ on the blackboard if we finished our studies.
    we are watching our educational system swirling the drain.

    http://www.courthousenews.com/2014/05/15/67895.htm

    Like

  13. Pistol Pete

    6 Awesome Moments from Adam Carolla’s ‘President Me’
    Carolla adds, “If you’re going to have a kid I’m going to pay for, I should get to f*** your wife.”

    Carolla On Traffic: “Our current government doesn’t give a f*** about transportation. They only give a f*** about making money.
    On Parenting: “I guaran-f***ing-tee that the problem with all those l’il criminals on the bus is absent fathers….This is going to be the undoing of our society and I’m the only one with the balls to say something about it. I was incensed during the 2013 State of the Union when President Obama said his administration would do more to ‘encourage fatherhood,’ adding ‘because what makes you a man isn’t having the ability to conceive a child but having the courage to raise one.’ The courage?! It’s not storming the beaches of Normandy.”

    I may have to buy this one.
    I’ve liked him since h co-starred with Jimmy Kimmel on the totally un-PC and chauvinistic ‘The Man Show.’
    http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Journalism/2014/05/19/6-awesome-moments-Carolla

    Like

  14. Pistol Pete

    SPEAKING OF KIMMEL:

    Like

  15. Pistol Pete

    5 reasons to keep a home phone
    About two out of five American households have disconnected their home phones and rely solely on cell service to stay in touch with the world. If you’re thinking of joining the mobile-only movement, though, you might want to reconsider: Here are five reasons to stick with a home phone, whether it’s a landline (traditional copper-wire connection) or VoIP (voice over Internet protocol) service from your cable company.

    We have a land line.And a cell phone.One.we don’t text.We don’t have internet access pps.Its one of thise new-fangled flip varieties.We take it when one or both of us leave the house.you can’t believe the grief I get at work when everybody else is texting and checking the weather on their smart phones.
    https://homes.yahoo.com/news/5-reasons-to-keep-a-home-phone-181216445.html

    Like

  16. Pistol Pete

    Canadian man rescues a newborn moose named Oliver and drives it to Tim Hortons before taking it to a calf shelter
    Stephan Michel Desgroseillers discovered the newborn while quadding in Dowling, Ontario Sunday afternoon
    He and his friends tried to return the baby to the woods, but it kept following them and getting closer to the road
    Mr Desgroseillers had the moose stay the night at his house so he could drop it off at an animal shelter the next day
    Before taking the baby moose to Wild at Heart Animal Refuge Center, Mr Desgroseillers stopped to get coffee at a Tim Hortons
    A customer took video of the newborn moose visiting the doughnut shop

    The baby moose is now in the care of the refuge center, and has been named Oliver by the staff
    I got close to a moose calf once by accident when I was canoeing the Boundary Waters between Minnesota and Canada.The sight of its mother,weighing in at about 1200 pounds was motivation enough to paddle away…quickly.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2636513/Canadian-man-rescued-newborn-moose-named-Oliver-stops-Tim-Hortons-bringing-calf-shelter.html#ixzz32YoyTUH2

    Like

  17. Pistol Pete

    THERE HAVE BEEN A RASH OF ARMED ROBBERIES TARGETING RESTAURANTS THAT POST SIGNS LIKE:’GUN FREE ZONE’
    AND ‘FIREARMS NOT ALLOWED.’
    THEY JUST DON’T HAVE A CLUE

    Like

  18. Pistol Pete

    PORN STARS FORM FREE SPEECH COALITION TO FIGHT CONDOM SEX BILL IN CALIFORNIA
    On Tuesday, a delegation of porn stars known as The Free Speech Coalition traveled to Sacramento to protest purported first amendment violations inherent in a newly proposed California bill.

    According to the LA Weekly, AB 1576 could prescribe criminal penalties for not using condoms by actors on sets and force producers to keep logs of all performers’ sexual activities.
    I think the term:’politics makes strange bedfellows’ has rarely been more appropriate
    http://www.breitbart.com/Breitbart-California/2014/05/21/CA-Porn-Stars-Free-Speech-Coalition-Fight-Condom-Sex-Bill

    Like

  19. Pistol Pete

    Duck Dynasty’ Stars And 3,000+ Fans Set Duck-Call Record In Florida

    Some Duck Dynasty cast members were on hand Sunday night for the Salvation Army of Southwest Florida fundraiser at the Germain Arena in Estero, Fla. According to The Shreveport Times, Willie Robertson and his brother Jase, along with their wives — and Uncle Si — were on hand for “The Call: Faith, Family & Facial Hair.”

    At the event, over 3,000 fans were given Duck Commander duck calls and they all used them at the same time, setting off an extremely loud bunch of duck calls at once. Many joined the Robertsons in setting a world record, which was done with ease according to Guinness representative Phil Robertson (completely coincidental), who was at the event
    SOMETHING ELSE YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW:

    Aside from the duck call record, Duck Dynasty cast members also talked about their lives and about their religious foundation. Jase Robertson said the following about his relationship with his wife, Missy:

    “We built our relationship on God. We stayed pure before our wedding night. For those of you here who don’t think that’s possible, I’m here to yell you — it’s possible!”

    http://www.inquisitr.com/1257899/duck-dynasty-3000-fans-set-duck-call-record-in-florida/#zRZG3MlEYmbqJ4Ue.99

    Like

  20. Pistol Pete

    EPIC proposal from 26 countries, 4 years in the making
    Phil Roberson recalled when he and Miss Kay got married
    ‘We got our blood tests.We didn’t have any venereal disease….preacher said:y’all got good clean blood…you want her?
    Yup
    Okay,gimme fifteen bucks.’
    That was it.
    This proposal shows this guys got way too much time on his hands.
    .

    Like

  21. Ting

    Congratulations to Jessica and all the folks who encouraged her along the way. Enjoy tomorrow!

    Like

  22. chrissythehyphenated

    ROFLing so hard at snowman joke! Stealing grannyisms for my facebook. But sooooooooo NOT gonna share that fart one with Dearest. It’s bad enough he always responds, “He who smelt it dealt it.” It’s way better than, “I just blew you a kiss with my bottom.” Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. LOLOL

    Like

  23. chrissythehyphenated

    Quick brag on Warrior Girl who “walked” for her B.A. (Magna cum laude) last Sunday. She got to wear two cords, one for her magna (silver) and one for her service (red, white, blue).

    She actually finished in December and has a semester of grad school under her Leatherneck belt. We talked her into walking, because our memories of our cap-and-gown days are so special. We wanted her to have that too. Dearest and her hubby’s folks were there in body; I was there in spirit.

    I’m so PROUD of her! Her sisters are verbal and oral learners and absorbed book larnin’ without thinking about it. But she was born a kinesthetic learner. When school got to be about lectures and text books, it got really hard for her. For her to not only complete a Bachelor’s degree … but also WITH HONORS … sigh … it just makes my heart burst!

    And boy howdy has she gotten used to “nothing less than the best” Marine mentality! LOL She and her darling Marine hubby (yes, Marines can be CUTE!) came for Mother’s Day and she sighed about her first semester grad grades. She hasn’t seen them yet, but is sure she didn’t get her usual 4.0. Awwwwwwwwww. LOL.

    I reminded her of two ladies we know from my generation who both sailed through school without ever learning how to learn. Graduate school stopped them both cold. One of them had completed her Bachelor degree in PHYSICS in just three years; she flunked her first year of graduate school and it took her three years to finish the two year Master’s in Physics!

    I had such headaches from the MASSIVE reading load my first semester of grad school, I went to the college clinic and begged them for just enough horse sized pain pills to get me through finals. I couldn’t see the study, the pain was so bad. But it was studying that made my head explode.

    I also switched eye doctors and found out my prescription from the first doctor was totally wrong for me for reading. Great for driving, but my reading prescription was totally different. I am actually wearing those same glasses now. They’re exactly right for my computing … and so old, I have to keep tying and gluing the hinges to keep them together LOL.

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  24. Pistol Pete

    Like they say,not much worth having is ever easily achieved.

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