Right Wing Obamacare Myths DEBUNKED – Satire by The Matt Walsh Blog – September 25, 2013
Man, I hate these stupid, crazy, tea bagging right wingers. So foolish, so uncivilized. They run around screaming like crazed anarchists about how they want to stop Obamacare. Damned idiots don’t realize that the government needs to be involved in our health care decisions; we’re too helpless and feeble to handle it ourselves — unless we’re making the “medical” choice to get an abortion, in which case, THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU GOVERNMENT PIGS. GET OUT! I mean, leave your wallet on the table, ’cause I’m gonna need you to pay for this, but then GET OUT, JERK.
There are many scare tactics being used by the tea baggers in an effort to discredit Obamacare. Personally, I hate scare tactics. You should never let anyone scare you away from supporting socialized medicine, mostly because without it every poor person in the country will get sick and die. Anyway, like I said, I disapprove of scare tactics.
They claim that Obamacare will raise taxes, but this has been PROVEN false so many times. You know it’s been proven because I capitalized “proven.” Sure, there might be a few minor billion dollar taxes, like the individual mandate tax and the employer mandate tax, the Excise Tax on Comprehensive Health Insurance Plans, the Tax on Health Insurers, the Tax on Innovator Drug Companies, the High Medical Bills Tax, the Medicine Cabinet Tax, the Tax on Indoor Tanning Services, and the Excise Tax on Charitable Hospitals. And, yeah, there might be a small number of multi-billion dollar tax hikes on things like the Medicare Payroll tax and the “black liquor” tax and the HSA Withdrawal tax. And, OK fine, we’ll even see some tax deduction eliminations, like the deduction for employer-provided retirement prescription drug coverage.
But besides, like, 20 new taxes and tax hikes totaling, like, hundreds of billions of dollars, there aren’t ANY tax increases attached to Obamacare. None. NONE. See? I did the capital letter thing again. Pretty convincing stuff.
The redneck Tea Party crazies have even gone so far as to completely LIE about the impact Obamacare will have on the workforce. They insist that businesses are actually being forced to cut hours and lay off employees just to comply with the “burdensome” Obamacare rules and regulations. Again, this is a fabrication. Businesses aren’t cutting hours. Besides Walmart, Regal Entertainment, Trader Joe’s, Subway, Firehouse Subs, Sea World, Lands End, Dave and Busters, White Castle, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Home Depot, and academic institutions like Philadelphia University, Sam Houston State University, Ball State University, Georgia Military College, Three Rivers College, Hillsborough Community College, and University of North Alabama, and county governments in Indiana, Florida, North Carolina, Texas, Michigan, Maryland, and Virginia, as well as school districts like Middletown Township Public Schools in New Jersey, Millard School District in Utah, and Shelbyville Central School System in Indiana, along with over 280 other businesses, universities, school systems and town governments, literally NOBODY is losing work because of Obamacare.
The radical, anti-governmentFascistAnarchistNaziBible-thumpingPuritanOtherRandomConflictingDescriptors right wing conservatives like to drone on and on about “small businesses”. Well, news flash: Small businesses CAN’T WAIT for Obamacare to take hold. Half of them aren’t even planning on significantly cutting their workforce to comply with it, while the other half are super excited to cut their employees’ hours, because, like Nancy Pelosi said, it’ll free up time for all of these people to take up new hobbies and “follow their passions.” Sure, because of Obamacare they won’t have enough money to feed their families, but at least they’ll have plenty of time to work on arts and crafts projects.
Obamacare is just so wonderful. It could have only come from the mind of a brilliant man like President Obama. Think about it: We had a problem in this nation because so many people couldn’t afford health insurance. So what’s Obama’s plan? Simply charge those folks money for not having enough money! Brilliant! Oh, but his master strategy doesn’t stop there. It used to be expensive to buy insurance on the individual-market — now it will be TWICE as expensive for men, and only almost twice as expensive for women!
Do you see how this works?
- Problem: Insurance is expensive.
- Solution: Make it more expensive, and then tax people for not buying it.
There are a few other objections to Obamacare that I often hear raised by moronic neanderthals, such as the 200 economists who lobbied Congress to repeal the law. Let these so-called “economists” pretend they know something about the economy. I’ll take Harry Reid’s word over theirs any day of the week. Some say that this massive tax and spending program can’t possibly be sustained by a nation that’s already over 16 trillion dollars in debt. That’s where they’re wrong.
Little known fact: The economy works sort of like the card game Hearts. In Hearts, you’re supposed to avoid getting points. But if things go really poorly and you somehow collect ALL 26 points in a hand, you get zero and everyone else gets 26 — it’s called “Shooting the Moon.” It works the same way with the national debt. If a country can rack up 26 trillion dollars in debt, they go back down to zero and everyone else owes THEM 26 trillion. FACT. Look it up. It’s in, like, the UN Handbook or something. The good news is that Obamacare will get us to 26 trillion much quicker than you might think. Thank God!
Finally, you often hear the myth that the US Constitution doesn’t grant the government the authority to force citizens to buy a product. They even say the government doesn’t have the legal power to seize total control of an entire sector of the free market economy. Luckily, I don’t have to engage this argument because the Supreme Court already ruled. If the Supreme Court says it’s in there — it’s in there. Period. If the Supreme Court says dragons exist and Big Foot is real, then dragons exist and Big Foot is real. End of discussion. The Supreme Court is never wrong, just ask Dredd Scott.
Despite all of the FACTS I just laid out, these maniacs still find a reason to oppose Obamacare. They’d even risk a short-term, temporary shutdown of government just to make their point. SHUTDOWN THE GOVERNMENT?! BUT HOW WOULD WE EAT OR BREATHE?! This is a warning to Ted Cruz and all his ilk: If the government stops operating for even one day — chaos and cannibalism will reign in the streets. Mark my words. Yeah, a government shutdown would only impact “non-essential” federal government functions. And, yeah, some might even argue that the government should only be doing the essential things in the first place. But that will be of little solace when you’re bleeding on the ground, being eaten alive by the starving masses. I can scarcely imagine the horror. If non-essential government agencies and departments are forced to close for a short period of time, that means we’ll have to find a way to go without the Administration on Aging, and the Japan-United States Friendship Commission, and the Indian Arts and Crafts Board, and the Bureau of Transportation Statistics. WHERE WILL I GET MY TRANSPORTATION STATISTICS?! You’re playing with fire, conservatives. Civilization is bound together by the strong, steady hand of bureaucracy. If you loosen its grasp, you risk plunging us all into a dark, perilous land of individual responsibility and liberty. Our Founders fought and died to rescue us from such a fate, and I’ll be damned if I sit here and let you undo their efforts.