Blue vs. Red

(I don’t know who wrote this one, or I would give him/her credit. I found it on a friend’s Facebook page.)

Dear Red States:

Even though we won by re-electing Obama, we remain ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, and we’ve decided we’re leaving. We are sick of you racist, sexist, bigoted, homophobic, genocidal maniacs with no redeeming qualities.

We in New York intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We also get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.

You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty.

You get OpryLand. 

We get Intel and Microsoft.

You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard Princeton, Penn, Haverford, Colgate, U of R.

You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.

You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.

You get more single moms.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the low sulfur coal, all living Redwoods, Sequoias and Condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter and others of their ilk.

We get Yosemite, thank you.

Thirty-eight percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We’re taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizens of the Enlightened (Blue) States of America

Dear Blue States:

Imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of a bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we’ll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

We’ll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you’re actually going to follow through on your promise of four years ago to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you, just the Blue PARTS.

You see, your Blue States aren’t actually “blue.” Mostly, they are states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight occupied by people who vote Democratic in such numbers that they resemble Third World countries.

Even California is pretty much a Red State; only the coast cities are blue, complete with their mass vote fraudsters. You want ’em? We won’t fight you for them, that’s for sure, but you’re going to have to found your New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and San Diego, your second-largest city. Sorry about that.

And newsflash…Yosemite territory is American as hell, and you’re NOT!

Nationally, Red counties make up 2.5 million square miles of the country. Obama won less than 600,000 square miles, meaning that in most states he was popular downtown and pretty much nowhere else.

In other words, your guy won the places that people like him would get shot if he walked through them at night. Romney won every other place.

Bottom line:

You don’t get the Blue States as they have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with your sorry commiepuke ass. No, you get the Blue cities.

But we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange.

This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you THINK you’re going to snag. Those are the conditions that exist in the Red counties, pardner, not in the Blue cities, and you can’t have them.

Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs.

You get the fine service you’ve come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city political machines. 

You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons, thanks to YOUR policies.

All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.

You get the labor union shakedown artists, teachers who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life.

They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives. 

And don’t come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang.

We’re putting a strict visa system into place once you all go, and it is quite simple: cross the border, you get shot, end of story.

We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

And don’t even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America’s natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties. Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington. 

You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle, otherwise known as San Fransisco North, and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs), and we get the rest of the Northwest. OK by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.

So here’s how it works. All of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at this map of the electoral results district in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.

That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thank you.

You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gun-slinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis, and the ever-popular District of Columbia, which has been governed by liberals and the occasional crackhead, where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.

Lucky you, it’s all yours.

Enjoy it in good health… while your health lasts, that is, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar. Blue “voters” up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol’ trigger finger, especially the ones that vote early and often.

In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit the proud showplaces they are today.

We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and… well… just about every state in the Union, with the exception of Hawaii and New England. And even there, we’ll hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.

You are especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.

The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join your Politburo and help you get things set up, for a small consulting fee, of course.

We’ll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego) are actually in Red counties, we’ll be fine.

Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you’re apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in their low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you’re offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup? Hey, a deal’s a deal. Done.

True, you also get Manhattan, but damn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island — what’s left of it thanks to Hurricane Sandy, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California.

For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.

So that’s the deal. You get the cities with all the crime, crack mommies and corruption you can stand.

And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis.

We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.

We prefer to be something you’re not… NORMAL.

And we’d like a favor, too:

Please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we’re happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red states. Much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? You may have forgotten that they’re volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.

Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists, including that midget president in Iran, will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie.

Good luck with that. But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak — who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over over the northern border after a few years of sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much — blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go ahead and send Sean Penn to ask the French for help.

We’ll be busy that day…WORKING.

Oh, and since we will also own the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, and the vast majority of energy, food and mineral resources, we will be happy to make a deal with you when you start getting cold and hungry. It won’t be cheap either, so hope your wealthy and their vast riches are as generous as they lecture everyone else on about sharing the wealth.

Thank you for such a generous offer!

You saved us a LOT of ammo, too!

Have a nice day!

Sincerely,

The American people

PS: You can keep the marijuana. You’re going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.