We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. Let’s just chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our separate ways, okay?
Dividing up our joint property should be easy.
Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take all the firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can have all the peace-niks and war protesters.
We will also take the nasty, smelly oil, gas and coal industries, as well as the dangerous nuclear power plants. You can have all the wind, solar and bio-diesel you can find. We expect to keep Air Force One, Al Gore’s fleet of SUV’s and all the private jets of every Hollywood celebrity who has donated to Obama, since none of them will run on anything but fossil fuels. Good luck finding any “green” vehicle big enough to transport Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O’Donnell to their new, carbon-neutral digs.
We don’t like redistributive taxes, so you can keep those. We’ll take capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
We’ll keep the Bible, Judeo-Christian values and the right to invade and hammer dangerous people who threaten us or our allies. You can have NBC, Hollywood, Situational Ethics, Political Correctness and Shirley MacLaine.
You can also have the U.N. membership. We’re sick of paying for something we never use anyway.
We’ll take the Constitution, The Battle Hymn of the Republic, The National Anthem, God Bless America, the Pledge of Allegiance and the Red, White and Blue. You can have Jonathan Seagull, Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya, We Are the World and the Obama Flag.
Admittedly, it will be more difficult to equably divide the land. We propose this be the last task given to the current Supreme Court. After the divorce is finalized and everyone has moved to whichever new nation they prefer, you can have your four fave judges and we’ll take ours. We’ll flip for Roberts.