Happy Mother’s Day

Why Birth Order Matters

PREGNANCY

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as you have a positive pregnancy test.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as you can squeeze into them.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH

1st baby: You practice your breathing exercises religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother, because you found out last time that the breathing exercises didn’t help.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

BABY’S WARDROBE

1st baby: You pre-wash all your baby clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold and store them neatly.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the worst stains.

3rd baby: A few boxes of disposable diapers and half a dozen hand-me-down t-shirts will do the trick.

AT HOME

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby in rapt wonder.

2nd baby: You spend a good bit of every day checking to see that your firstborn isn’t poking, hitting, strangling, or suffocating the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

HANDLING A FUSSY BABY

1st baby: You pick the baby up the second he whimpers.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his wails threaten to wake his older sibling.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to wind up the mechanical swing.

PACIFIER

1st baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve sterilized it under boiling water.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve run it under the faucet.

3rd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you pick it up, wipe it on your shirt sleeve, and pop it back in.

DIAPERS

1st baby: You change your baby’s diaper every hour whether he needs it or not.

2nd baby: You change your baby’s diaper every three or four hours, maybe.

3rd baby: You change your baby’s diaper when you see it sagging to down to his knees.

ACTIVITIES

1st baby: You take your baby to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swimming Classes, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your baby to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your baby to the grocery store, the drug store, and the dry cleaner.

BABYSITTERS

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home every half hour to make sure everything is all right.

2nd baby: When you have a sitter, you leave a number where you can be reached in an emergency.

3rd baby: You tell the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

FOREIGN OBJECTS

1st child: When your child swallows a coin, you rush him to the emergency room and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When your child swallows a coin, you wait and watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When your child swallows a coin, you say, “That’s coming out of your allowance.”

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8 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

8 responses to “Happy Mother’s Day

  1. chrissythehyphenated

    Addendum to Babysitters from a 5th kid:

    … only if she sees spurting arterial blood.

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  2. Is it a bad sign if you did a lot of the second baby things with your first and the third baby things with your second?

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    • Ting

      No, I think it is a healthy sign!

      This really tickled me and I want to make sure my friend who is a new first-time mother at the age of 42 sees it. She is trying so hard to do everything just as all the “experts” insist, and I am worried that she is not going to enjoy that baby for fear of “doing the wrong thing!” I have to teach her how to play.

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      • chrissythehyphenated

        Good for you, Ting! I overheard one of these over-anxious mothers at a park once, confessing to her friend that she had recently begun to wonder if it wouldn’t be okay to occasionally take the night off and just order in a pizza.

        Then there’s me and Dearest, who went for our first visit to the ‘rents, put #1 down on a blanket in the bedroom while we visited, then cheerfully waved bye-bye and climbed into the car to go home.

        My mother was standing in the garage with her arms crossed, smirking. I remember so clearly standing there with one foot inside the car when she called out, “Are you taking your daughter with you?”

        I guess it did the child no harm. She’s now Mama Buzz! LOL

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        • I had a six-year gap between baby #1 and baby #2, and as luck would have it, baby #2 was an exceptionally calm, happy, quiet baby who just loved to sleep, so he was sort of easy to forget about for long periods of time. I would get my six-year-old all ready to go somewhere, and we’d be just about to dash out the door, and all of a sudden one of us would remember that we’d forgotten all about baby brother, who was dreaming blissfully in his cradle.

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          • chrissythehyphenated

            You’re sweet to share this. :o) One time, I pinned Mama Buzz to her diaper and I felt so GUIILTY, then Dearest’s wonderful Nonna pulled me aside and whispered, “I pinned Margaret to her diaper ON BOTH SIDES!” LOL

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            • Ouch! At least that was an honest accident. What always made me stew in self-reproach was the times I got mad and lost my temper at my little girl. One day when I was feeling horribly guilty for having yelled at her, my husband said, “I don’t know why you feel so bad about getting mad at her. She gets mad at you too, you know.” Sometimes you need someone around who knows how to put things in perspective. 🙂

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